


The Prettiest Star

by gracexxlupinz



Category: All the Young Dudes - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Marauders - Fandom
Genre: ATYD references, Canon Compliant, Depression, Episode: ACCEPTING ANXIETY Part 1/2: Excepting Anxiety!, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, No fetishization, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Queer Character, Queer Themes, all the young dudes, anti jkr, ish, leftist wolfstar, mlm, wlw, wolfstar, wolfstar with harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 59,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29548674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracexxlupinz/pseuds/gracexxlupinz
Summary: follow my tiktok @immentalaboutyou for more!!A COMPLETED fanfic based on/following MsKingBean89’s “All the Young Dudes. Focus is on Remus and Sirius’s relationship post-Azkaban, their relationship with Harry and their own battles with mental illness. While this is entirely a story with dialogue and plots (it never stops being a story,) it is also a LOT of character analysis, DEEP character analysis. Specifically highlighting each of their own traumas, mental illnesses and the truths of queer relationships in that time period. I’m a good writer, I’ve got the creds to prove it:). Trust me for good grammar and verbiage.Trigger Warnings: I advise those suffering with a severe mental illness to adhere from this fanfic until ready.ALL THE REFERENCES TO THE MARAUDERS YEARS AT HOGWARTS + THE FIRST WIZARDING WAR ARE NOT MY CREATION!! That all goes to our lord and savior MsKingBean89. Anything before Hogwarts (except for Remus @ St. Brutus’s) and after Azkaban are mine and mine only, though.
Relationships: Harry Potter/Original Male Character(s), Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lee Jordan/George Weasley, Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley, Minerva McGonagall/Poppy Pomfrey, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 222
Kudos: 235





	1. 1: “Days On a Wire.”

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [All the Young Dudes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10057010) by [MsKingBean89](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsKingBean89/pseuds/MsKingBean89). 



> A perfectly curated playlist for this fanfic. :)  
> To be listened to in ORDER! Trust me on this. It will make it hurt more, sure. But, it makes it 10x better. Playlist is ongoing and will be updated with the fic.
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/03HQZdHJKabQXTFb64UmYz?si=jzZHqq8jTd-xtae6gSO46Q
> 
> CW: Mentions of su!c!de, depression, PTSD, substance ab!se, and sm!king. 
> 
> Songs for this chapter: 
> 
> \- Sunsetz- Cigarettes after Sex  
> \- Inside your mind - The 1975  
> \- Cherry Wine, Live - Hozier  
> \- Monolith - T. Rex

Saturday, June 17, 1995, 7:38 a.m.

Sirius Black could hardly believe it. _Harry Potter was coming to live with him._

__

Just a few weeks ago, he had seen his godson for the first time in 12 years. He was _perfect_ , just like he was the first time Sirius held him in his arms. He so resembled James, it almost scared Sirius the first time he laid eyes on that scrawny teenage boy. And that _hair_.That damn hair. The mangly mop of black waves fluttering atop Harry’s head reminded Sirius of so many memories, so many shared smiles. _So much of James._

__

And then there were his eyes. 

__

_Lily’s._

____

Oh, how his heart seemed to pump for the first time in 12 years when he looked into Harry’s striking green eyes. Looking into his eyes for the first time in twelve years seemed to transport Sirius into a whole other reality. It was as if he forgot he was Sirius Black: a wanted murderer, family disappointment, burden. Rather, it felt as if he had a real _purpose_ again. Looking into Harry’s eyes that night flooded Sirius with emotions he thought he’d never experience again, emotions he had long forgotten. _He felt wanted_. Needed. But most of all, he felt loved. 

____

That was how James and Lily Potter made him feel all his life, anyway. 

____

And now, his beloved Godson was actually coming to _live_ with him. 

____

Originally, after escaping by a thread, he had thought it unwise, no, _impossible_ that anyone in the Wizarding World would even consider allowing Harry a summer with his Godfather. He had spent the entirety of Harry’s fourth year holed up in Remus’ flat, not allowed to leave, under any circumstances. It was either that, or stay holed up in 12 Grimmauld Place. You can imagine how difficult _that choice_ was. 

____

He dropped the idea, and decided it was better off for Harry anyway. Furthermore, he didn’t think Harry would want to see him in the state he was in. His PTSD was at an all-time high, coming back when he heard the clanging of metal chains, not being able to think straight when a certain smell wafted out of the sewer that faintly smelled of the prison mold. His body would go cold, his ankles would throb, his eyes would droop. It was everything he felt in Azkaban and more, except it happened on Remus’ living room couch, their bed, the kitchen floor. 

____

Moreover, he still got what Grant, actually, had called “anxiety attacks,” every full moon. He had his first one a week after being back in Remus’, _his_ flat. It was the night of the full moon, and Remus held out his arm, “Ready to go?”, he had asked, preparing to apparate to some forest; Remus angsty and sore, but supplying all the smiles he could give. Sirius didn’t know what came over him, well, he _did_ know, but he thought, he _hoped_ , that now that he was out, they wouldn’t return. 

____

His knees gave out, he was unaware of his breaths, gasping like he was drowning. His arms, his legs, his neck, his _everything_ seemed to be shaking, his eyes averting around the room as he tried to gain balance as the room spun around him. He had scratched Remus’ chin, actually, as he scrambled his arms out in search of something real to hold him in place. The mark was still there. His mind wasn’t seeing what was in front of him, instead it saw Remus, alone, crying as he woke from the full moons, wailing as he transformed, and searching for the pack the wolf seemed to look for, every time. 

____

Every full moon he spent in Azkaban was spent in complete peril with the idea of Remus out there, alone, fighting the thing he hated most about himself. 

____

Of course, he wasn’t alone. But, Sirius had only recently found that part out, and didn’t prefer to think about Greyback’s _cult_ any more than he had to. 

____

And then, he went back to Remus. 

____

_Moony._

____

When he turned up at the flat after what felt like weeks of aimless wandering, he had expected to be greeted with a hug and a kiss, multiple, to be exact. His _Moony_ , For Godric’s sake! Of course, Remus’s Muggle, Grant, was one hell of a surprise. He had all but forgotten Grant’s face, his blonde curls that he swore had to be fake, and his endless closet of khakis. But no, there Grant stood, shooting side eyed-glances at Remus in the kitchen in which Remus returned, a look of sympathy in his eyes as he did. It was as if Remus was apologizing to his bloody boyfriend that Sirius was there, like Sirius had been interrupting their _oh-so interesting life_. 

____

Once again, Sirius Black, the burden. 

____

He’d been a burden all his life, it seemed. At Hogwarts, he was a burden to his teachers and peers, interrupting every lesson, ruining their feasts, he was even quite a burden to his friends at times, with his ever-changing, moody attitude and periods of what felt, to him, like complete desolation, therefore inciting him to isolate himself from everyone and everything. Of course, _that_ was due to his family. The infamous Black family. Prestigious, esteemed, noble. Sirius was a disappointment to them in more ways than Walburga Black even knew of. Sirius Black was destined to be the Black heir, inheriting everything down from their cunningness to their past. He was destined to be great. 

____

Great in the Black family and great everywhere else were very different ideals. 

____

From the moment Sirius Black was named Gryffindor in his first year at Hogwarts, instead of Slytherin, he was basically exiled from the family, a “shame to their honor.”

____

Tortured, beaten, abused, and broken; that’s what his life at 12 Grimmauld Place had become. It wasn’t until his fifth year at Hogwarts he really began to actually _hate_ his family, began to realize the actual horrors of what had been done to him over the last four years.

____

Winter Holidays, 1975: After multiple family disputes, his family members had actually taken _turns_ throwing Unforgivable Curses his way, leaving him barely conscious in the room afterwards. He managed to use the floo network to get to the Potter’s, in which he showed up entirely unconscious, barely even alive, but fully aware of what had just happened to him. The only thing that kept his life real during that god-awful period were his friends. James, Remus, and even that git Peter. He thought about _it_ a lot after that night. 

____

You know? Suicide. He didn’t see a future for himself anymore. He was nothing, now. A worthless piece of skinny bones, a disgrace, a _shame_. 

____

What good was he, really, if he wasn’t Sirius Bloody Black? His name meant nothing to him now. It tarnished him. It caused the hair on the back of his legs to stand upright in worry just _thinking_ about his family. And of course, that caused the scars on the back of them to itch as well.  
“You’re nothing, Sirius.” His mother’s words rang in his head for months, years. It rang in his head during Azkaban, it rang in his head as he fell asleep at night. He believed it, too. He still did. 

____

That didn’t mean anything to him, though. He wanted a _family_. A mother who loved him, who held him as he shared his deepest secrets, who _still_ loved him, even if she didn’t love what he had to say. _“Mother, I’m g-“_

____

No. He couldn’t even think about telling his mother _that_. She’d have Avada Kedavra-ed him right then and there. 

____

But then, one morning, after the incident over Christmas, Remus Lupin was sitting next to his bed. Well, not _his_ bed. One of the Potter’s many luscious, seemingly stuffed-with-feathers beds. “Sirius!” He had exclaimed, that Remus Lupin smirk Sirius oh-so loved had appeared on his face, his dimples illuminated in the glimmering sunlight. He knew right then. He figured he had always known, really, since fourth year, on the train.  
He still remembered first year, seeing the scars on Remus’s torso in the dead of night, hidden behind his bed curtains. How his hair had grazed his chest, and how it sent a bolt of electricity being that close to his sensitive, broken skin. Of course, he hadn’t thought anything of it at the time, but then, it was as if a fog had completely lifted from his mind. It all made sense now! 

____

Those nights he spent curled up in bed, thinking about the razor blades in the bathrooms, the spells he could just do to himself, he forced his mind to be quiet, listening for Remus’ quiet snores in the common room. He’d lay there for hours, focusing on his breaths, his movements as his sleeping body changed positions. He’d fall asleep to his breathing, if only to force himself to wake up the next day. 

____

But of course, the one person who made him understand what life really meant was also the person he had wounded the most. 

____

Sirius Black truly believed the person he had, and continued to be, the biggest burden to was none other than Remus John Lupin. Remus Lupin was incredibly broken, incredibly scarred. And he believed with 100 percent certainty it was his fault. He was even horrible to him in his adolescent years, refusing to admit that what they had wasn’t just sex, wasn’t nothing. He couldn’t say it when he was younger. He still had a hard time saying it, even at the grandiose age of 33. 

____

His father’s voice rang in his head, always, and that prevented him from saying the things he oh-so longed to say. “Look at those bloody queers!” 

____

He was about 9, and his family was coming back from… something. He couldn’t place it. It was just him, Reg, and his parents, and all he remembers is seeing a man with his head on another man's shoulder in the park across his house. 

____

The man sitting up was older, with graying hair and a wrinkled face. He wore a battered jean jacket paired with baggy green khakis, large sneakers on his feet. He was smoking a cigarette, his arm brushing his partner’s neck every time he took a drag. The other was smaller but looked to be about the same age. He had dark brown skin and a large, but tamed afro, and wore a shiny bomber jacket with tight black jeans. On his feet, he wore beat-up combat books. Were they maroon or black? Sirius couldn’t tell; the sunlight reflected against their shiny surface in an odd manner. He had his eyes closed as he rested his head against the other mans’ shoulder, a smile resting softly on his face. The other man took to stroking his lover’s neck after he stubbed out his cigarette. Sirius hadn’t seen anything like this, ever. It made his stomach flutter watching them, and he felt as if he should look away, but he couldn’t seem to make his eyes do it. 

____

Of course, he had heard all about _this_. From his family, his family’s friends, their friends… you get the idea. “I reckon your brother Alphard was one of them,” he had heard his mother say just a few days prior after seeing some Muggle news headline, which somehow sparked _that_ conversation. One of _them_.  
But staring at the couple, he couldn't understand what was so awful about this. It was love, just like the love in the storybooks was. What made it any different? Most of all, these men looked _happy_. Truly, purely, joyful. 

____

He had felt a deep craving for content-like happiness the two men exuded for years after that. 

____

Sirius couldn’t peel his eyes away. Especially when their pure, almost paradisiac-like moment was interrupted by… what were they called again? The angry men in the uniforms? He couldn’t remember at the time, but of course, now, it was easy. Police. He remembered seeing the policemen frantically sprint over to the pair, ripping them apart. He couldn’t hear the exchange, but he could make it out, alright. The smaller one, more specifically, the black one, was basically kicked to the ground, handcuffed as he was face-planted on the sidewalk. The other man jumped up, trying to pull the policeman off his lover. Of course, it was no use, and he was handcuffed, with less force, by a giddy policeman standing feet behind the other one. They were escorted off, and Sirius never saw them again. Of course, why would he, but he thought about those two men often. Probably too often.

____

He had tried to talk to Regulus, his younger brother, about it that night. Regulus swore he didn’t see a thing, and muttered, quite sleepily, and annoyed that Sirius was interrupting his need for rest, “Why do you even care so much, Sirius? Stuff like that isn’t normal, stop trying to make it be.”

____

Sirius sighed, sinking into his pillow. “That doesn’t mean it’s bad,” he had muttered, quietly, before falling asleep. He hadn’t stayed awake enough to hear whether Regulus had responded or not. Instead, he dreamt of the two men, just sitting together. Together and happy.

____

Those feelings of remorse and lust towards the two men carried over onto himself, in later years, of course. And then Remus had kissed him that night in the stairwell, and then they had... well, there isn’t really a title for their relationship during their fifth and sixth years of school. It was just sex, really. Of course, that was just there so they would get to avoid the conversations that normally came with being intimate like they were. That conversation didn’t really get to happen until the summer before their seventh year, anyway.

____

It wasn’t until later, separated by hundreds of miles, holed up in that tiny cell, that Sirius realized how much of a burden he must have been to Remus. 

____

Remus, unlike Sirius, had discovered his sexual preferences years before Sirius had even realized he might have fit under that same category. Remus had wanted a relationship that whole bloody time; Sirius was the one who pushed against it, who sat in anxiety, worrying that James caught him staring at Remus’ hands, his arms, his neck, his jaw. Sirius was the one who didn’t even _call_ it a relationship. God, he thought it didn’t count because they never did anything under the cover. And throughout all this, Remus probably thought Sirius was using him. For pleasure, for a distraction, for nothing, really. And then, finally, _finally_ , they were real. They completed each other. A lesson at Hogwarts that didn’t have Remus Lupin in it meant a lesson Sirius Black spent in lust, just wanting Remus, _needing_ him. He had never felt anything like that in his life. A desire to be fulfilled by something. A desire for love. And oh, how it was love. 

____

Sirius was unexplainably in love with every aspect of the mess in front of him. His bony, calloused hands. His shaggy curls, his dimples, his gangly-like body, his scars. Most of all, Sirius was in love with _him_. His bravery, his wisdom, his humor, his music taste. His ability to make the darkest days turn into the brightest ones. His wonderful, complex mind, which tackled problems from an angle Sirius would never have even thought to approach it from. His ambition, his emotions, his beautiful, beautiful self. Despite what Remus believed about himself, he truly was _beautiful_ . 

____

But. 

____

Remus was so full of damage, he could see it when they were 13, he could see it now. He knew it from the first time he made a face at him in his first year. But then, he had the chance to _know_ that hurt. To mend it. When Remus cried in his arms for the first time as a lover, not just a friend, he was filled with the greatest desire in the world to just _be there_ , unlike everyone in Remus’s life who so clearly had not. 

____

To be there was perhaps the greatest act of love he could have given him. 

____

He so longed to trace each of his scars, in awe of his lover’s bravery each time he did, in the dark of night. Remus was so strong. Stronger than Sirius would ever be. 

____

But of course, Sirius did the same thing that everyone else in Remus’ life had done. 

____

_He left_. 

____

He left his person. His soulmate, his twin flame. He left the one person he swore to never leave. Of course, It wasn’t his fault he physically left. Well, he told himself it was his fault. Sirius, despite being just as innocent as a first snowfall, continued to blame himself for the murder of James and Lily Potter. He didn’t rat them out, he didn’t even _know_ how he’d have done that in the first place, nor did he ever indulge in Dark Magic, or converse with Voldemort. He’d just been an innocent bystander. An innocent bystander who happened to be the best friend of the murdered. Why they never questioned Peter, or even Remus, he didn’t know. All he knew was that on October 31, 1981, he was arrested for a crime he didn’t commit. He was torn from everything that night. 

____

_Everything_

____

Harry, the Order, his future, his best friends, and his one true love, his only true joy. It’s funny actually, he lost everything that night, but he gained one thing. The one thing he had fought so hard to get rid of.

____

The Black family reputation. 

____

So yeah, he considered himself to be a burden. The biggest burden a person could be. That was exactly how he viewed himself. Of course, he wasn’t wrong. Just… off. Sure, he was a burden to the Black family, in some regards. He was seen lower than a burden, really. Not even enough of a person to be granted a physical feeling attached to it. 

____

To say he was a burden to the Black family would imply that his family actually thought about him. 

____

And sure, he was a burden to his friends. He was a burden when he’d get too excited and accidentally knock over Pete’s chessboard, or interrupt Remus’s chapter, or refuse to get out of bed for early morning Quidditch practice with James. But to imply that he was a burden then would imply that his friends ever had feelings of hatred toward him in those moments. Nope. That was just Sirius being Sirius. 

____

The closest he was to being right on this whole burden ideal was with Remus. Yes, it had been a great nuisance to Remus when Sirius wouldn’t admit his feelings, and he was filled with a great level of hatred when Sirius told Severus about his furry little condition in Fifth Year, and he was so utterly sunken into the lowest emotions a person could ever imagine, let alone feel, for 12 miserable years, every single day, with the loss of his lover. 

____

Yes, Sirius broke Remus in every possible way. 

____

But it wasn’t out of annoyance. It didn’t make Sirius a burden. What Remus experienced was built out of the deepest emotion known to mankind. More powerful than hate, more powerful than anger.

____

Everything Remus ever felt or experienced about Sirius was built out of love. 

____

Forbidden love, sometimes. A love he couldn’t have anymore, also sometimes. A love that he hated he still held on to, mostly. Nonetheless, it was love. Always and forever, it would be love. 

____

When he showed up at their old flat, it was love. When Remus gave Grant sympathizing looks, it was love. When Remus washed Sirius’s hair and held his once strong limbs so gently, and with the care and focus of a surgeon, the force of the thing about broke Sirius’ heart into a thousand different pieces. When Grant left the flat in a haste, and Remus let him, it was love. 

____

And now, as he stood next to him, _his_ man, as they desperately scrubbed a cigarette burn off the wall that Remus claimed “wasn’t his,” it was love. 

____

Sirius didn’t express these inner thoughts often, and he always seemed to spiral into them. He didn’t know how to share it in words, so he shared it in physicality. Affirmations, looks of love, physical touch. 

____

“Babe,” Sirius said, laughing at the now sweating Remus, and smiling, (he could finally say that again!) “I don’t think we’re getting that off the wall. Your mark has been left, my love.” He leaned down, meeting Remus’ hunched over eye level. 

____

Remus met his eye, and Sirius felt the same spark he’s felt his whole life, that little fizz in his stomach. 

____

They just stared, until Remus broke it, smirking, those little dimples showing as he did. “Ah, you might be right,” he said, throwing the rag over his shoulder. “I just don’t want to have to pay the extra “No Smoking” fee. We weren’t supposed to smoke in here anyway,” 

____

Sirius looked puzzled. He didn’t remember that from when they lived here, for the year before… everything. 

____

Remus caught this and quickly explained, a hint of sadness in his voice as he realized, once again, why Sirius wouldn’t have known. “Oh, they changed it a few years back. Apparently, smoking isn’t as good for you as they said it was. Lots of buildings began saying you couldn’t do it anymore. Bloody ridiculous, if you ask me, I mean, how else do they expect us to live?” He smirked, catching Sirius’ eyes as he looked up from the sink, where he was currently washing his hands. 

____

He had a bit of a germ thing. 

____

“Anyway, the landlord said as long as he didn’t see it, or see any trace of it, I wouldn’t be charged.” He shrugged, drying his hands off.

____

“Not sure whether that rule applied to the whole building, or whether he knew I wasn’t quitting any time soon, so he just tried to make me feel better.” 

____

His voice got thick, and he averted his eyes from Sirius. He didn’t like talking about the 12 years in between them.

____

Remus had got himself into some pretty heavy substance abuse during those 12 years. Not only was he suffering from extreme depression, a new thing called anxiety he didn’t realize he’d had his whole life, the whole damn AIDS crisis, whatever the hell “dyslexia,” or whatever Grant called it was, he really got into the world of substances. Alcohol, drugs, nicotine. He did it all. The small moments that granted him sweet relief from everything wrong in his life made the rest of his life 0.1% easier. But he took the 0.1%.

____

The moments where he wasn’t Remus Lupin, the wizard-werewolf with a drinking problem, but Remus Lupin, a man with a drinking problem made it seem worth it. 

____

Grant had finally managed to begin making some sort of progress with him, after what… 10 years? In the last 2 years, he’d stopped most of the drinking, having occasional drinks here and there, but never in large quantities. He hadn’t smoked anything other than nicotine longer than that though, he learned his lesson with that long before. And of course, he had a new thing keeping him on track with that. 

____

_Sirius_. 

____

The presence of Sirius back in his life completely rejuvenated every need to get closer to sober than ever before. He had seen himself falling right back into where he was 12 years ago when he returned from his brief teaching career at Hogwarts, and _that_ night in the Shack? Well… that was more than enough to jumpstart everything he had been working for. Of course, though, Grant stopped him. It was hard, and they fought, and he cried and cried and cried, and Grant stopped him, nonetheless. 

____

Remus owed so much to Grant. He didn’t believe he deserved it. 

____

But then, Sirius Bloody Black walked through that door, and his entire life shifted. It took a while, but he and Sirius got there. Got here, more like it. 

____

“Hey,” Sirius almost whispered, walking over to Remus in two strides across the tiled floor, grabbing his hand. He still didn’t make eye contact. “Remus.” Sirius sighed. “Moony, please.” 

____

That got him. Remus blinked and turned his own eyes to Sirius’s bright blue ones, which were glistening with tears. Remus noted that ever since Azkaban, Sirius had suddenly become even _more_ emotional, as if that were possible. But god, how those eyes could cure anything. Remus felt that shock he felt whenever he looked at him, and the faintest hint of a smile appeared on his own face. “What?”

____

“You know I don’t judge you, right?” Sirius still gripped Remus’ left hand, and moved his own to Remus’s chin, holding him in place as if he was about to go somewhere. Sirius had started to do that a lot lately. Holding him in place. Remus didn’t know whether Sirius even knew he was doing it, but if it made Sirius less worried that he wasn’t dreaming it all, it made Remus feel good too. 

____

Remus seemed to sink into the floor, and his own eyes filled with tears. “I know. I know, I know. Of course, you don’t, Padfoot. It’s just- I judge myself.” Remus still hadn’t broken eye contact. Neither had Sirius.

____

“Moony,” Sirius muttered, harder now, gripping Remus’ hand so tight it hurt, but Remus didn’t say anything, and continued to listen. “You mustn’t do that, okay? You can’t. You were wounded. You were _broken_ , Moony. Anyone in their right minds would’ve been. And look, love! You’re standing here right now, in this current moment, you, Remus John Lupin, are standing. Right here.” He moved his other hand, now cupping Remus’ face, speaking in a more joyous tone, a grin breaking into his face. “And I’m so incredibly, fabulously, astonishingly, extrodidaringly…” he moved his head right in front of Remus’s, tilting forward on his toes to make himself taller while moving his face right to left.

____

Just like James used to. 

____

His face went stern again. “I’m so proud of you, Remus.” 

____

Remus felt a tear drop from his eye. _Godric, how he’d got so lucky_. He could’ve kissed him.

____

Oh wait, he did.

____


	2. 2: “Magnetic Force of a Man”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius arrive at their new house, Harry arrives not much later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter: 
> 
> \- Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene - Hozier  
> \- Lover - Taylor Swift  
> \- Sun King - The Beatles

_Saturday, June 17, 1995. 7:56 a.m._

“You ready?” Sirius asked aimlessly, adjusting his shoelaces for the fifth time that hour. 

Remus didn’t respond. 

Sirius, crouching on the ground, craned his neck to see if Remus was still inside or something. No, he was right behind him, standing in the doorway of their flat. 

“Hmm?” Remus asked, his head jerking as if he was just caught in a daydream. Sirius met his eye, smiling as he did. 

“I said, are you ready to go?” 

Remus’ expression flickered, if only for a second, but he smiled nonetheless. “Yeah, I’m ready.” Turning his body back around, he gave one last look to their now-empty flat, searching for all the memories he could think of before he left the flat forever. He needed to write Grant, tell him they were selling the flat, and to come visit them at their new home any time he pleased. There were probably things Remus had that were rightfully Grant’s, anyway. 

Sirius came up behind him, wrapping his hands around Remus’ waist. Wow, he was strong; it took Sirius by surprise each time. Either that, or he really _had_ gotten so much smaller. Remus grabbed Sirius’ left hand from his waist and brought it to his mouth, not kissing it, just holding it there. “I love you,” he whispered, sending chills up Sirius’ spine.  
“I love you too.” 

Remus gave Sirius’ hand a quick peck and turned around, now facing his lover. “Let’s get out of here, shall we?”

Sirius practically jumped. “Okay! Race you to the bike!” He took off down the hall, and when Remus didn’t follow, he stopped at the top of the stairwell. “Oh c’mon, you can’t run at 33?” 

Remus caught the look of mischief in his eye, the same one he saw on the Platform decades ago. He couldn’t say no. “No, I was just giving you a headstart,” he smirked, taking off in a sprint. “You know, like the gentleman I am.” He sprinted past Sirius, bounding the steps two at a time.

“Hey!” Sirius exclaimed, bellowing laughter and following him down the stairs. 

Yeah, nothing much had changed. 

\------

“I still can’t believe the ministry is allowing this,” Remus exclaimed, loudly, as he held on to Sirius’ back. 

After Sirius escaped from Azkaban, and then from Hogwarts, and then was holed up in Remus’ flat, he was finally declared as an innocent man by the Ministry. Harry had sent him a letter after hearing of it. It just said “ _Yay!!_ ”

Sirius bought a frame for that letter, and he planned to hang it on the wall at their new house. 

So, Sirius was now a “free man,” essentially. He could go as he pleased, see who he wanted, go where he wanted. It felt… good. People didn’t exactly trust him, though. He had shown his face at a Holiday dinner they were invited to last year, and some people actually _left._

Hogwarts had to get special permission for Harry to spend his summer away from the Dursely’s, and it was tough at first. Fudge didn’t trust them, at all. The only reason he changed Sirius’ “status” was from months of pressure from Minerva McGonagall, at that. Thank God for James and Lily, though. If he wasn’t Harry’s official Godfather, he didn’t think this would be happening at all. 

Currently, the pair was hundreds of feet above the ground, on Sirius’ flying motorcycle. Apparently, twelve years in Azkaban didn’t falter Sirius’ love for the thing. Remus, of course, was petrified of it. He was still shaking, even though they had been flying without any trouble for at least an hour. 

Sirius could sense this, but couldn’t exactly move his hand to grab Remus’, and it was causing him a lot of angst. He was glad that Remus began talking, that meant he felt a least a _little_ bit safer. 

“Yeah, you’re right. God, took them long enough. I spent a whole year holed up in that flat with Grant and you before- anyway, I’m so bloody lucky Fudge didn’t try and have me executed right there on the spot. I guess Moody and Dumbledore are pretty convincing.”

“Well, that, and they put you under veritaserum, plus the…'' Remus hesitated. This was still a sore spot for Sirius. “... the legilimency.”

Sirius sighed. “Yeah. That- that was difficult. It felt-” he shuddered. “You know how it felt.” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.” He squeezed Sirius’ waist, resting his head on the top of his back. He did feel safe with him, really. Just- heights weren’t really his thing. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Sirius finally breaking it. “I really hate them, you know.”

“Your family?” Remus asked, puzzled. Of _course_ Sirius hated them, he’d expressed that thousands of times. Who was he talking about?

“Moody and Dumbledore. That whole lot.” 

_Oh._

“Well thank God someone else finally agrees with me,” Remus said, his voice thick. Remus decided a while ago that next to Peter Pettigrew and Walburga Black, Albus Dumbledore had to be the person he hated most. “We were children. Bloody children. And James and Lily- they had a child of their own, I had all my werewolf shit going on, and-” He sighed. He really didn’t like revisiting those times. “I don’t know. We were _children_. Despite whatever abilities we thought we had, they shouldn’t have let us do that.” 

Sirius stifled out a laugh. “Euphemia was the only sensible one of us.” 

_Euphemia_. How long had it been since Remus had thought about Euphemia? James’ beloved Mother. All of their mothers’, honestly. She and her husband Fleamont were always quite anti-the idea of her son and his best friends partaking in the First Wizarding War. Of course, they didn’t listen to her, and we know how that went.  
“Yeah,” Remus exhaled, hoping to end this conversation. “Yeah, she was.” 

Luckily, the conversation had to be halted. They were here. 

“Oh! There it is!” Sirius said, revving the engine and titling the bike downward, picking up speed as they fell to the ground. 

“Sirius, _Sirius_. Why are we going faster?!!” Sirius didn’t hear him, or chose not to hear him, and just began to laugh. 

“Woo-hoooo!” He exclaimed, picking up the speed. 

“ _Siiiiriiiiussss!_ ” Remus screamed, holding onto Sirius’ back so hard it was probably going to leave bruises. 

BAM. 

They had landed, and quite successfully, at that. The grass now had motor lines, sure, but they were both still in two pieces. 

“Ha!” Sirius exclaimed, climbing off the bike and stretching his legs. “Thought we were gonna crash for a second there.” 

Remus hadn’t left the bike but was instead sitting buck-straight, his shaking hands gripping his knees. “Wow, what an astute observation, Sirius.” Sirius hadn’t heard him though, he had already ventured off, probably checking out the house. He had bought it without even looking at it, so Remus had no expectations, good or bad. He had just begun pulling his already sore limbs off the bike when Sirius’ laughter echoed through the air. 

Unconsciously, Remus smiled. Just the sound of Sirius happy seemed to rid Remus’ of any previous motorbike anxieties. He looked up, seeing the house for the first time. 

_Merlin’s Beard._

It was perfect. Everything Sirius told him and more. It was medium-sized, two floors, with white shutters on each of the windows. It was brick, but every single brick seemed to be a different shade of red or brown, which he loved. He could see the beginnings of what looked like a sort of cobblestone porch in the backyard, with… was that a garden? What in the hell would Sirius want a _garden_ for? 

He started to walk over, opening the two French doors in the front, who was greeted by a smiling Sirius. At least, he assumed he was smiling. Sirius had his back to the front door, his messy hair still up in a bun.  
“I can’t believe it worked,” he whispered. He had his hands on his hips, and he was staring up at the ceiling. Remus followed his gaze and… _wow_.  
Sirius had enchanted it, just like the ceiling of the Great Hall at Hogwarts. It was a starry night sky, shooting stars whizzed by, and was that.. _No_. 

“Sirius,” Remus gushed, “Is that…” Sirius spun around, that Sirius Black grin plastered on his face, just as Remus suspected. “Yeah, it is.” He walked the 3 steps to Remus, putting his arms around his waist so they were now face-to-face. 

Sirius had enchanted the ceiling to have both the Canis Major and Lupus constellations floating in the sky, the constellations that mimicked their names. 

“Have I told you how much I love you today?” Remus said, untying Sirius’ bun and running his hands through Sirius’ mop of curls, along his face, his neck. 

“Yes,” Sirius replied, leaning into Remus’ large hands. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t love to hear it.” He leaned into Remus’ chest now, embracing the moment. 

Remus squeezed him back, that warm feeling in his stomach growing. “Well, I love you.” He couldn’t believe how easy that came now. Sirius just grunted in return, hugging Remus tighter, in which Remus returned the favor. Both of them would have been completely happy to just stay in that position for hours. So, so, content. So incredibly in love. 

Alas, every good thing has to come to an end. Sirius pulled away first, Remus fighting him at first. “No, please. It’s been so long since I’ve just gotten to hug you like this.”

Sirius’ heart sunk, in the best possible way. He kissed him, just because. “Harry will be here in a few hours, Remus,” he said, breaking the kiss, but not inching any farther from Remus. 

Remus huffed, staring into Sirius’ deep blue eyes. “Fine, I guess we should probably arrange some things.” 

Sirius smiled, and pulled back, running up the large staircase behind them. “Cmon, you have got to see this master bedroom.”

Remus smirked, his heart warm. “I can _hardly_ wait.” 

Sure enough, in the late morning hours, the pair had almost entirely furnished their new home. They had already picked out couches and pillows and dressers and desks weeks prior at various flea markets around London and they had used the same spell they had used for their infamous prank on Slytherin in year seven to get all the furniture to their new home. Of course, the speed of their decorating abilities was greatly helped by the use of magic, as Sirius was currently laying on the kitchen floor with a soda while he gracefully adjusted the record player in the living room. 

Remus came bounding down the stairs, his sweater pushed up to his elbows, his hands sweating. 

He preferred to do things the Muggle way when it came to things like this. Helped him feel more accomplished, more… real. Catching Sirius’ eye, he smiled, laughing at his boyfriend’s mannerisms. _How did he look so sexy laying on that damn floor?_

“What time did Harry say he’d be here?” Remus asked, grabbing himself a Ginger Ale from the fridge, which was… well stocked, to say the least. Sirius had a bit of an obsession with Muggle sodas. 

“One, I think.” Sirius muttered, using his wand to lift side A of “Diamond Dogs” onto the turntable. The opening verses to ‘Future Legend’ began playing, and Remus sat himself down next to Sirius, who sat up himself, so the pair was now sitting cross-legged, facing each other. 

“Are you nervous?” Remus asked, staring into Sirius’ eyes, suddenly realizing that he had spent more time with Harry than Sirius had, which made him feel odd, and a bit guilty. 

Sirius looked away and began running his finger around the rim of the soda bottle. He took a second to think about it, opened his mouth a few times, but couldn’t seem to find the words. Finally, he looked up, a soft smile showing on his face. “Kinda?” 

Remus burst out laughing. 

“What?! What’s so funny?” Sirius prodded, play-punching him in the shoulder as he doubled over in laughter. 

Remus looked up, out of breath. “Sorry, sorry,” he wiped his hand over his forehead, still laughing. “I just don’t think I’ve ever heard Sirius Black say “Kinda.” It’s so- blech.” He physically stuck out his tongue. 

Sirius cackled, finding it just as funny. He pulled his hair behind his ear and sighed, his grin starting to hurt as the pair laughed. Taking a sip of his ginger ale, he recovered himself, trying hard not to smile when he even looked at Remus. He felt 13 years old again, and he loved the feeling. “No, really, though,” he said, his face going slightly solemn. “I would say I am? It’s-” he sighed. “It’s a lot of pressure. James…” he began, running a hand through his hair, and looked down, picking at the flooring. Remus chose not to mention that he was picking at the seriously expensive hardwood floor, and instead shifted his eyes back to Sirius, who still hadn’t met his gaze back. “I want to make James proud,” Sirius finally muttered, almost too quiet for Remus to hear. Luckily, Remus had fantastic hearing, and he got every word. 

“Sirius,” he said, getting him to look back at his eyes. “I don’t think it’s possible to _not_ make James proud. You’re going to be a great role model for him, okay? You loved James more than anyone on this planet, and I know that same love will filter out to Harry. I don’t believe in a lot, but I believe in you.” 

Sirius’ eyes softened, and he leaned forward, kissing Remus softly. “Thank you,” he said through a smile as he leaned back against the cabinets. “You’re going to be great, too, you know.” 

Remus smirked, deciding on a snarky response, hoping to get the less emotional Sirius to go into hiding for a bit. Harry was due to arrive in 10 minutes, anyway. “Oh, I know,” he declared playfully, putting his hands up into a model-like pose, causing his ginger ale to spill on him, which in turn sent Sirius into a fit of giggles. 

_CRACK!_

“Here we are, then,” a voice mumbled. It sounded familiar, but neither Remus nor Sirius could place it. 

“Still don’t think I’ll get over apparition,” a smaller, but more familiar voice muttered shakily. 

_Harry._

Sirius started playing with his hands as he stood up, grabbing Remus’ arm to pull him up, almost falling over himself as he did. Remus grabbed his hands to stop the fidgeting once he was pulled up and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “Go get him.” 

Sirius broke into the largest grin Remus thought he’d ever seen, and took off towards the door, Remus following close behind. He opened the front doors, and Remus could see what he thought was the biggest grin grow even bigger, which in turn caused a grin to form on his own face. 

“Sirius!” Harry exclaimed. 

“Harry,” Sirius said, shaking his head in glee. “Harry!” He practically ran forward, hugging his godson so tight Remus thought he might crack one of Harry’s ribs. He had to lean down to hug him, which was funny, and Remus had to hold in a laugh. God, how Harry really did look like James. 

Meanwhile, Sirius pulled back, still holding Harry’s shoulders. He couldn’t believe that his life was real. He was out of Azkaban, with his soulmate, holding his best friend’s son, his godson, in his arms. He could’ve cried. In fact, he almost did. Harry even _felt_ like James. For a split second, Sirius let his mind wander, and he imagined he really was hugging James. It felt so good. So… missed. He never wanted to let go. But, of course, this _wasn’t_ James, and he couldn’t hug him forever, so he pulled back, scruffling his hair before he let Harry go. 

“Profess- I mean, Remus,” Harry stumbled, his face growing redder. Remus just laughed.

_Of course he’d just laugh_ , Sirius thought, admiring Remus for the littlest things, just like he always had. 

“No worries at all, Harry. It’s gone from my mind. Now, come here,” he said through a huge smile, his dimples more prominent than ever. 

Harry walked over, embracing his… step-godfather? 

Sirius decided that later, they’d find a name for it. 

Remus practically lunged for the boy, pulling him in tight and fast. If Sirius thought he was emotional earlier, he couldn’t hold it back as he watched what became his two favorite people hug like that. Quickly, he wiped the tears from his eyes, catching Remus’ eyes as he continued to hug Harry, practically squatting to meet his height. Remus’ eyes were glittering too, and he gave Sirius a look as to say “Is this real?!” 

Someone coughed behind them. Who was that? 

Sirius turned to see… what was his name? Tall, red-haired…. Definitely a Weasley. But which one? 

“You have to forgive me,” Sirius said, embarrassed, but trying to be polite, you know, like an _adult_. He had to keep reminding himself he wasn’t 15 anymore. “I seem to have forgotten…” he couldn’t even finish the sentence. 

The man just laughed. “Ah! Don’t feel bad, we actually haven’t even met. I’m Bill. Bill Weasley. You probably thought I was my father, Arthur.” 

_Arthur!_ That’s the name he was searching for. “Oh, well, nice to meet you, Bill. I’m Sirius, this is-” 

“Remus Lupin, sir,” Remus said, stepping in to shake Bill’s hand, Harry standing beside him, beaming. 

“I’ve got to say, it’s quite an honor to be meeting _both_ of you,” he said, looking Sirius’ way towards the end, making Sirius warm inside. People were still… _hesitant_ to meet him, much less wanting to have a conversation with him. “But, alas, duty calls, and I must be on my way. Harry, I’m sure I will see you soon, and I hope to see you pair soon as well. I’m quite fascinated with your lives, frankly. Let’s get a drink sometime, alright?” 

The pair just nodded. The man in front of them was… cool. In fact, it reminded them both of a particular young lad named Sirius Black, with his long ponytail and pierced ears.

“Bye, Bill,” Harry muttered, quite awkwardly, at that. 

“See ya,” Bill said, giving each a big smile before apparating back to Gringotts. 

And then there were three.

Remus grabbed each of Harry’s large bags, with particularly great ease, Sirius noted, and grinned at the boy. “Go inside, shall we?” Harry nodded, following Remus back in the house, a jaunt in his step. Sirius, feeling warm inside, realized something. That content-like happiness he had been searching for his whole life? He felt it right now.


	3. 3: “Now you make me cool.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus and Sirius spend their first night with their Godson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter songs!! 
> 
> \- Mambo Sun- T. Rex  
> \- Meet Me in the Woods- Lord Huron  
> \- Me & My Dog- Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, Lucy Dacus
> 
> CW: language

_Saturday, June 17, 1995. 5:38 p.m. ___

__Remus and Sirius were so unfathomably in love with Harry James Potter__

____

__It had just been four hours since he first arrived, but already, they were obsessed with him. He was _brilliant_ , talkative, eager, wise… there wasn’t a single thing about him they could see wrong. _ _

____

__After about two and a half hours of pure chattering, about Harry’s first four years,_ _

____

___“You fought a Dark Lord your first year at Hogwarts? Bloody HELL, Harry!”,_ _ _

____

__the Marauders years at Hogwarts,_ _

____

___“Wait, so my Dad didn’t even date her until his Seventh Year?,”_ _ _

____

__and various topics, they had finally alluded to the discovery that Harry had never listened to David Bowie._ _

____

__“Well, I’ve heard Changes on the radio before, sure. But that’s about the extent of it, yeah.”_ _

____

__Remus and Sirius were agape._ _

____

__“What kind of music _do_ you listen to?” Sirius asked, his back to the other two, as he was now piling through the various Bowie records they had, pulling out a few, and silently asking Remus “Yes?” _ _

____

__Harry took a minute to think about it. Remus was sitting sideways in a leather chair they had picked up for 10 euros, his long legs strewn over the side. Harry was sitting cross-legged on their large couch, a Root Beer in his hand, the spot next to him slowly rising as Sirius’ weight no longer sunk it. Eventually, Remus nodded at _“The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars.”__ _

____

__“A classic,” he said casually, as Sirius put it on. ‘Five Years’ began playing in the background, and Harry had his answers._ _

____

__“Personally, I like Nirvana lots. U2,”_ _

____

__Sirius physically shuddered. He hadn’t been out of Azkaban for long, but he’d been out long enough to hear U2, and he was… not a fan._ _

____

__“Red Hot Chili Peppers, Queen,”_ _

____

__“Now we’re talking,” Remus said, smiling at Harry._ _

____

__“Oh! And Guns N’ Roses. The twins got me onto them, I love their sound.”_ _

____

__Sirius was ecstatic. Of course, he hadn’t been around when their music was first released. He’d been alive. _Barely_. But, Remus was, and he loved them, and therefore, Sirius did too. If they didn’t agree on anything, at least they’d agree on music. “I love their sound,” Sirius repeated, smiling at Harry. “I love that you just said that. “I love their sound.” Very profound statement for a thirteen-year-old,” he said, playfully punching him on the arm. _ _

____

__Harry just laughed, staring at his Godfather with so much admiration. ‘Five Years’ was still playing, and he found himself tapping his foot along to it. “What about you guys?”_ _

____

__Remus caught Sirius’ eye, and they both broke into grins. “Music was a Marauder’s specialty,” Remus said, swinging his legs around so he was now sitting in the large leather chair as a normal person would. “That was all due to your godfather over there, though.”_ _

____

__Sirius smiled. . Oh, how he loved the sound of that. “Not entirely true, love,”_ _

____

__His eyes widened, and his sentence was cut short._ _

____

__‘Soul Love’ started in the background, and Remus gulped, staring at Sirius. Remus’ face wasn’t angry, no. It was more of an “oh well.” Remus, being Remus, broke the tension another way. “Figured I’d be the one to let it slip,” he grinned. Harry was silent, looking between the two._ _

____

__“Harry, I-” Sirius began, before being cut short by a laughing Harry, whose head had sunk between his knees._ _

____

__“I owe Hermionie ten galleons,” was all he said._ _

____

__Sirius looked at Remus, confused. Remus just shrugged, taking a long swig of his Ginger Ale, his face twisting when he found it was warm._ _

____

__Harry looked up, eyes darting between the two. “Guys, I don’t care about any of that, you know. I don’t. Your relationship is just as much a relationship as my parent’s was. I don’t understand why people _don’t_ get that.” _ _

____

__Sirius seemed to physically sink into the couch cushions, and Remus, while not moving, immediately broke into a grin, and muttered under his breath. “Just like his father.”_ _

____

__“Hm?” Harry asked, hearing “father,” and jumping on that immediately._ _

____

__“Your father, he-” he looked at Sirius, smiled, and turned back to Harry. “When I told everyone I was gay, he was the first to, er- be there? He was as supportive as I hoped he would be and more. In fact, he pulled all the boys who were there, we were on a camping trip, and gave them a “good talking too,” I think is what he said. Your mother did the same, but to the girls.”_ _

____

__Sirius continued, Harry’s head now spinning to look at him. “He actually came up to me personally, too. He said “If you treat Remus any different, Padfoot, I swear I will blow your brains out and feed them to Kreacher,” the Black family house-elf. Little did he know, his other best friend and I were snogging in secret.”_ _

____

__Harry just smiled, playing with the metal lid of the Root Beer bottle. “I’m really, really, glad to hear that.” He muttered, sadly, feeling nostalgic for the parents he never knew. “But really, guys. I could quite honestly give a damn about anyone’s sexual preferences, innuendos, you get it. We’re all human,” he glanced at Remus, a playful smirk on his face. “Well, most of us anyway.”_ _

____

__Remus was agape. Did Harry just _crack on him?_ Jumping up, he grabbed a throw pillow and threw it at him. _ _

____

__Harry leaned out of the way, clasping the top of his Root Beer, as to not spill it._ _

____

__“How _dare_ you?” Remus said playfully, throwing another pillow. _ _

____

__Sirius stood up hastily, picking up the pillows. “Remus! Those are silk, _Merlin_. Don’t you have any taste?” _ _

____

__Remus turned toward him, now that they were both standing. “No, I have horrible taste, actually,” he smirked, seeing the sparkle in Sirius’ eye. That sparkle didn’t show itself often anymore, and he was always so happy to see it._ _

____

__“Oh, you love me, really,” Sirius gushed. He turned his body towards Harry, who was still sitting, just smiling at his two Godparents._ _

____

__Harry had really, in the last hour, decided they were both worthy of that title. His parents would have liked that._ _

____

__“Now, Harry,” Sirius joked, walking over to him, and extending his hand. “High- _five_ , man! I love me a good werewolf joke.”_ _

____

__Harry sniggered, giving Sirius a slap on the hand, noting how calloused his hands were. “Anyway, you never answered my question,” Harry continued, standing up now, following Sirius and Remus as they made their way to the porch, where Remus was firing up the grill. “What kind of music did you listen to?”_ _

____

__“Oh, let’s see,” Sirius thought, using his wand to turn up the current record so they could hear it outside. ‘Moonage Daydream’ was now playing, and Remus began to sing along quietly, making Sirius smile. “Bowie, of course, T. Rex, Wizzard,”_ _

____

__“Hold on. There’s a band actually _called_ Wizzard?” _ _

____

__“Yes! With two Zs!” Sirius answered._ _

____

__Remus smiled. Sirius had said that same thing years ago._ _

____

__\----------_ _

____

__They were now on their 3rd album of the night, Abbey Road. So far, they’d listened all the way through “ _Ziggy Stardust_ ,” Harry’s favorite song being “A perfect tie between… what was it? Oh yeah, Suffragette City, thanks, and It Ain’t Easy,” and “ _Electric Warrior_ ,” in which Harry insisted they listen to ‘Mambo Sun’ over two more times. Now, they were just about done with Side A of “ _Abbey Road_.” _ _

____

__“Wait, so you’re telling me that John Lennon broke up The Beatles because he… liked peace and love too much?”_ _

____

__Remus laughed. “Sort-of. There were other reasons, no doubt about it, but people didn’t like the messages he was preaching. As much as Socialist idealism has really opened up for regular conversation now, then, it was even worse. You were right or left, that was it. Anything farther than that was “radical.””_ _

____

__Harry nodded, watching Remus flip the burgers, noting how he left one cooking a little less away from the fire. The inside of it was still red._ _

____

__“So, do you agree with him or not?”_ _

____

__‘I Want You (She’s So Heavy)’ started playing._ _

____

__Sirius about spit out his drink. “ _Agree_ with him? Harry, Remus, and I have views that would blow Lennon out of the water. I don’t think you’ll ever meet two men who are more left in politics in your entire life. Er, maybe not. That man, Bill, was it? Yeah? Okay. Bill seemed to be a leftist.” _ _

____

__“Oh, he probably is. Based on what you’re telling me, what is it? Socialism?”_ _

____

__Sirius nodded, catching Remus’ grin. They were even farther than Socialism, but kept their mouths shut. It was only the first night, for Godric’s sake. They couldn’t go conforming the kid right off the bat!_ _

____

__“Anyway, based on that, the _entire_ Weasley family would probably agree with you. Maybe not Percy. Definitely Bill. And the Twins, Ron, Ginny, don’t know Charlie that much, and _definitely_ Arthur.” _ _

____

__Sirius laughed, staring at the kid in front of him._ _

____

__Harry continued talking, obviously quite excited to have adults who were genuinely listening to him. Sirius wondered how often that happened. “I’d love to learn more about it, honest. I’m sure Hermionie could tell me about it. I know she’s mentioned that word before in relation to herself.”_ _

____

___In relation to herself_. He wasn’t even raised “posh,” and yet he talked just like his father. Remus and Sirius both caught this, and smiled to themselves, feeling nostalgic, but not sad about it either. “I agree with all your points, anyway. I think the government is just… too powerful.”_ _

____

__“Exactly!” Remus suddenly exclaimed, almost dropping his spatula. Give it to Remus to cook burgers the Muggle way._ _

____

__“Hey, hon,” Sirius asked, picking at his fingernails. He needed to fix those beds, wow._ _

____

__“Hm?” Remus grunted, his attention now back to the burgers._ _

____

__“When will those burgers be ready?”_ _

____

__“Anytime now, Pads.”_ _

____

__“Okay….” he smiled, flicking his wrist to flip the record. “Any particular song you liked off that side, Har-” Harry was staring at him with a look of awe, Remus the same, but he was more prideful. “What?”_ _

____

__“Sirius,” Remus started, a grin forming on his face. “ _SIRIUS!_ ” He was practically jumping with joy and set down the plate of burgers to grab his lover’s hands. “ _You just did wandless magic_.”_ _

____

__Harry stuttered,“Wait, I thought that was normal for-”_ _

____

__“ _FOR FUCK’S SAKE, REMUS, I DID, DIDN’T I?”_ The two men were now beaming so hard Harry thought their smiles would fall off their faces. _ _

____

__“What’s-” He was silent as they kissed each other, barely able to even hold it, as their smiles kept coming back, Remus cupping Sirius’ face with his large hands as he pulled away, still beaming as he pressed his forehead to Sirius’, shaking his head back and forth._ _

____

__When they had regained their composure, Sirius turned toward Harry. “Harry, sorry about that. The language, I mean.”_ _

____

__“Oh, I don’t mind. I think it’s cool. But, can’t all mature wizards use wandless magic?”_ _

____

__“Yes, Harry, that’s exactly the point. After- after Azkaban,” his voice got thicker. He hated talking about it. He always got physically cold when he did, and he pulled his skinny legs up to his chest, hugging himself. “I wasn’t able to. My magic, well, it dimmed quite a bit while I was in there. It took a lot of coaxing for me to even get back to standard-level Transfiguration. The one thing I wasn’t able to get back, throughout everything Remus and I tried, was wandless magic. I just wasn’t strong enough.”_ _

____

__He looked around at the two wonderful men in front of him. “But, I am now.”_ _

____

__Harry fist-bumped his Godfather, after having to explain what that was. “I’m proud of you,” he said._ _

____

__Sirius about cried. “Thank you, _really._ ” He turned his attention to the food, turning up the volume on the record player, wandless, once again, as ‘Here Comes the Sun’ started to play. “Now, what about that food, huh?” _ _

____

__\--------_ _

____

__Later that night, after they had breezed through dinner like ravaging animals, played about 50 hands of Gin, they found themselves out on the porch, still, at midnight._ _

____

__Remus got up to put the cards away and run to the loo, and Sirius leaned back in his chair, silently counting and naming the stars._ _

____

__“So, what is there to do around here?” Harry asked._ _

____

__“Ah, that’s a discovery you and I both will have to make. I’ve never visited the town of Sussex. I didn’t get out much as a child, and obviously, I didn’t get out at as a young adult. I’m hoping there’s a record store, some places to get good food, maybe some thrift shops.”_ _

____

__“I’d love to go record shopping, yeah. I swear on my life that you and Remus _both_ would die for Kurt Cobain.”_ _

____

__“Who is that again?”_ _

____

__“Lead singer of Nirvana. He’s a really, really cool man. He’s got this long blonde hair, these sunglasses, oh! He wears a dress to like half of his performances. It’s really cool.”_ _

____

__“You like the word cool, don’t you?”_ _

____

__Harry snickered. “Yeah, I guess I do. Didn’t really think about that, ever.”_ _

____

__“Well guess what? Cool is a _cool_ word.” Sirius laughed at his own joke, and just out of pure ecstasy for the moment. _ _

____

__Harry yawned, trying to hide it._ _

____

__“Are you tired?” Sirius asked._ _

____

__“Kinda.”_ _

____

__“ _Harry._ ”_ _

____

__“Yeah.”_ _

____

__“Perfect, me too.” Sirius sat up, stretching his neck and shoulders._ _

____

__Remus strutted back out, opening the glass doors with a smile. “Bedtime?” He asked._ _

____

__“Bedtime,” Sirius affirmed._ _

____

__They cleaned up, bringing in the glass bottles and throwing them in the recycling bin, putting the leftover burgers into tinfoil and into the fridge. “So, a favorite album of the night?” Remus asked Harry._ _

____

__“Oh, it’s a three-way, for sure. Diamond Dogs, Mr. Wonderful, and…. Abbey Road, I think.”_ _

____

__“A man of taste,” Remus approved, bumping him on the shoulder playfully._ _

____

__Sirius yawned, stretching his arms dramatically. “Alright, I’m headed up for the night. Pancakes for breakfast tomorrow?” His eyes averted to Remus._ _

____

__“Sure,” Remus said, grinning at his oh-so-childlike boyfriend._ _

____

__“Goodnight, Harry,” Sirius said, pulling his godson in for a hug, holding Harry’s head in his hands. He kissed him on the side of his head, cupping his face as he pulled away. “You need anything, you let us know, okay? We’re just down the hall.”_ _

____

__“Okay, Sirius. Goodnight,” Harry beamed._ _

____

__Sirius smiled at him one last time and sleepily made his way up the stairs. Harry didn’t follow and stayed to finish off his glass of water, watching Remus scrub the top of the grill in the sink. “Why are you doing that the Muggle way?”_ _

____

__Remus grinned as if a memory was popping in his head. “I have a few reasons. For the 12 years after your parents-” He sighed, putting down the grill top and shaking his hands off. “I didn’t use magic. At all, really. In fact, at one point I think I swore I was leaving the Wizarding World forever. Plus, I was living with a Muggle, anyway. I told him, eventually, but I couldn’t exactly just have flicked on the TV with my wand in the early years.”_ _

____

__He was looking away now, a soft smile on his face as he thought about Grant._ _

____

__“I don’t know if this means anything to you, Harry, but I want you to know that not only would James and Lily be so incredibly proud of you,” he turned his eyes back to Harry’s, seeing the look that showed on his face that had shown itself prominently during the night, a look of lust, of deep, deep sadness. Remus wasn’t sure whether Sirius had caught the look or not, but Remus definitely did._ _

____

__It was the same look he got when someone mentioned _his_ family._ _

____

__“Not only would James and Lily be incredibly proud of you…” he continued, “but I am too. It takes a lot of strength to do what you’ve done. No, I’m not talking about the thing with Voldemort. Of course, that’s on an entirely different level in itself, sure, but I’m talking about _this_ , Harry.” _ _

____

__He gestured to Harry, his arms scanning his whole body. “You’re a wonderful person, Harry. A person in your shoes should have every right to be the foulest person anyone has ever met. But you aren’t. You’re quite the opposite. You know, except for the werewolf joke. Might take me awhile to get over that,” he smirked, looking down at Harry, his fluffy black hair, his scar, his acne, his crooked glasses. He really _was_ perfect. _ _

____

__“I really am sorry-”_ _

____

__“Don’t be, I’m only joking. I’ve borne the brunt of hundreds of jokes like that my whole life. Only a few have been out of kindness. Those are the ones I like.”_ _

____

__Harry smiled up at Remus, a shimmer in his eye. Not tears, just… joy._ _

____

__“Anyway, I think I’ll follow Sirius’ suit, and head up to bed. It’s been an absolutely wonderful day, Harry,” he pulled Harry in for a hug, reminiscing in the feeling, thinking of James._ _

____

__“Alright, me too, just- put this here?” Harry asked, putting his water glass in the sink._ _

____

__Remus nodded, unable to break his smile while in Harry’s presence. He couldn’t begin to explain the love he had for this kid, already. He felt it the first time he saw him in the Hogwarts Express train cabin, and he felt it now, only ten times stronger._ _

____

__There was no greater truth than the fact that Harry James Potter, truly, was his parent’s son. _God_ , they would have been so proud of him. The love Remus, and he was sure Sirius’ felt it too, probably even more, was a fatherly-like instinct. One of protectiveness, of the truth that Remus would instantly put himself in the face of danger just so this kid could live._ _

____

___So this is what Lily felt_ , he thought. Lily really was the best of them. _ _

____

__“See you tomorrow, Remus,” Harry said, starting up the stairs._ _

____

__“See you, kid. Sleep tight.” Remus asserted, following him not far behind. Watching him climb the steps, Remus decided something, something he was so determined to keep true._ _

____

__James and Lily Potter deserved more honor than anyone in this universe. And the best way for him to do that was to make sure Harry always, _always_ , felt the same way they both made Remus feel every day of his life. _Loved._ _ _

____

__Exhaling with joy, he swung open the door, excited for some rest. “Hey, babe, you awa- Oh! Okay, yeah. I can live with that,” Remus smirked, letting himself get pulled to bed by a very joyful Sirius._ _

____

__He didn’t want what he thought he wanted, though. He was just simply… excited. Excited was an emotion Remus didn’t see very often on him anymore. It came in bursts. But today, _today_. Today Remus swore he’d never seen a happier man. _His_ man. _ _

____

__Sirius just pulled him in the door, and just hugged him, loving the feeling of smallness when he was in Remus’ arms. The safety and comfort it brought him, just standing in his lover’s arms, would never compare to anything in the world._ _

____

__“Can you believe it?” He whispered into Remus’ chest. Remus played with Sirius’ hair, kissing the top of his head._ _

____

__“It’s pretty insane, isn’t it?”_ _

____

__“No,” Sirius said, pulling his head up, meeting Remus’ eyes. “It’s _incredible_.”_ _

____


	4. 4: “ ‘Cause Today I Found my Friends”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius has another panic attack, the trio takes a trip to a record store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter songs:)
> 
> \- Something- The Beatles  
> \- Smoke Signals- Phoebe Bridgers  
> \- Anobrain- The 1975  
> \- Lithium- Nirvana
> 
> CW: pan!c att!cks, and overall heavy content.

_Wednesday, June 21, 1995. 8:30 a.m._

Harry had been with his Godparents for 3 days now, and he was honestly _dreading_ going back to school, a feeling he can’t remember ever having. 

They had gone thrift shopping two times, both times at the same store, he and Remus introduced Sirius to Root Beer Floats, and he could have sworn it was like he had been Enlightened. He discovered the song _“Oh! You Pretty Things!”_ and had made them play it, on repeat, for a good two hours. Luckily, the pair loved it just as much as he now did, so they were more than happy to oblige.

Groggily, Harry opened his eyes, shutting them just as fast as the sunlight streamed into his retinas. He opened them again, squinting to adjust his eyes, and was that… “Hedwig!” His snowy owl chirped in return, and, grabbing his glasses, he grabbed the two letters from her, rubbing her beak before she flew into his room, landing on her perch. One letter from Ron, one letter from… did that say, _Bill Weasley?_ His heart fluttered. Why was it doing that? _Whatever, just open the letter, Harry. ___

____

The one from Ron was nothing much, just regular highlights. The twins were opening their joke shop, (Harry felt proud, he gave them the money to do it.) Ron got new dress robes, Pig was doing fine, and Ginny said her hellos. “You’re welcome anytime,” the letter closed with, which was signed by Molly. He smiled. He’d have to bring Sirius and Remus to the Burrow. He knew the twins were positively _dying_ to meet Sirius. 

__

The letter from Bill, on the other hand, was simple. “Just checking in,” it wrote in perfect, curly handwriting. 

__

He decided he’d write back to them later, that way they’d get their letters in the morning, instead of mid-day, where they’d likely be squashed in between others, never to be looked at. 

__

He stretched his arms out and grabbed the nearest t-shirt, which happened to be one of Remus’, actually. He was going through boxes of clothes yesterday and pulled out an old Pink Floyd tee. “There’s no way this fits me anymore,” he exclaimed. 

__

“Yeah, because apparently, 12 years turns the twig into the buff one,” Sirius huffed, though he was smiling as he grabbed it from his hand and tossed it to Harry. “I don’t even know Pink Floyd,” he had said, causing jaw drops from the both of them. 

__

“Do we have any Pink Floyd records?” Sirius had asked, absentmindedly as he went through boxes of sweaters.

__

“Yeah, I think Grant got one a while ago, but I don’t remember which album. The one with the Prism, I think.”

__

Sirius had physically tensed up when Grant was mentioned, and Harry decided it best not to mention him around him again. He didn’t know why he ever would, but he wanted to be the best possible guest to Sirius. 

__

He noted how sensitive Sirius was to the smallest of things, he assumed it was from Azkaban, but the ideal he had gotten of young, tough Sirius Black didn’t match the image in front of him at all. Of course, Harry understood that more than anyone. He was sensitive to things just as much as the next person. Except, you know, the next person probably hadn’t battled the Dark Lord three times in four years. 

__

But, that was the life of “The Boy who Lived,” anyway. Live through years of trauma, but don’t talk about it, right? Don’t bring it up, keep it to yourself. _We need you, Harry._

__

He pulled on the shirt and a pair of jeans, running down the steps two at a time, the smell of coffee and bread filling his nostrils. 

__

He walked into the kitchen, finding it empty, and poured himself a cup of coffee, walking out to the porch to find the pair. 

__

Looking into the backyard, he found Remus laying on his back but propped up on his elbows, an open book by his left side, Sirius curled into his right. He couldn’t make out what they were saying, but it looked serious, _hah, Sirius,_ and so he walked himself to one of the porch seats, picking up the nearest book to him. _‘The Communist Manifesto- Karl Marx.’_

__

He had only gotten about 10 pages in before he was interrupted by a slap on the shoulder. “Hey, kiddo,” Remus said, a grin on his face. “Nice choice in reading.” 

__

Then, there was Sirius. He wandered up, slower than normal, and he was fidgeting with his knuckles, which he also noted were quite calloused and red. They weren’t like that yesterday. He saw Harry, though, and broke into that smile, instantly making him seem so much younger, so happy. “Hey, Harry!” He said, still smiling. “Sleep well, I expect?” 

__

His eyes were red, as if he had just been crying. 

__

“Er- yeah! Slept just fine!” 

__

Sirius smiled softly, still fidgeting with his knuckles, and now shifting his weight from foot to foot. “Great. Great to hear that. I’m just- I’m gonna go get some coffee.” 

__

Remus grabbed Sirius’ arm, his own arm moving at what seemed like lightning speed. Sirius jumped at the touch, but softened in seconds. “Hey. Do you want me to come with you?” 

__

Sirius smiled at his Moony. He was so lucky. “No, no. It’s okay.” 

__

And slowly, he opened the glass door, still fidgeting, and shakily, poured himself a glass of ice water, not coffee. Harry could see through the glass as he put both his hands on the countertop, taking long, deep breaths. “Is… is he okay?” He said, directing his eyes to Remus’, whose eyes were also fixated on Sirius’, an odd look of panic on his face Harry hadn’t seen before, even during the night in the Shrieking Shack when the full moon… when _that_ happened. 

__

Sighing, Remus allowed his gaze to flicker to Harry. “He’s fine. He will be. He-”  
He walked over the adjacent chair, and sat down, putting his elbows on his knees, folding his hands in front of him after he set his coffee cup down. “Ever since Azkaban, he’s very sensitive to little things. It can be anything, really. We know most of them. Chains, certain smells, certain words, certain people. But it’s not just sensitivity, it’s- a reaction, really. Have you ever heard of PTSD?”

__

“Yeah, I have. Hermionie reckons I might have it.” 

__

“I wouldn’t be surprised. Anyway, Sirius has it. Quite bad, actually. The certain things that “trigger” him do more than just bring his mind back to it. He can physically _feel_ what he felt in the instances he was reminded of. For example-” he stopped, turning back to Sirius, only turning back once Sirius made eye contact with him. 

__

Harry couldn’t help but admire how the pair could communicate without any words, gestures, or touch. It was as if they were always in sync with each other’s heartbeats, thoughts, and feelings. It was magical, really. 

__

“For example,” Remus continued, a catch in his voice as he did. “If he hears the dragging of metal, specifically chains, his ankles, and wrists start to physically hurt. Oh- er- that’s where he was shackled. He had chains around his wrists, ankles, and uh- his neck, for 12 years.”

__

Harry shuddered, suddenly unable to drink his coffee. _“Shit.”_

__

“Precisely. Anyway, we don’t know all his triggers yet. We’re discovering them as we go, and this morning, we were just sitting in the grass, talking about The Smiths, for Godric’s sake, and they have a song, the title of it is “Pretty Girls Make Graves.” He-” his voice caught again, and Harry noticed his eyes were shimmering. It was saddening, yes, but also oddly heartwarming. “The word graves is a new one. One we didn’t know. He started having an episode. Shaking, not breathing right, his mind spirals, he can calm himself down, he’s done it before, so he’s okay in there alone, before you ask.”

__

“What is it about graves?” Harry asked, finding himself unable to break Remus’ eye contact, as endearing as it was. 

__

“I’m not sure. I’m assuming it’s something to do with James and Lily. But, I’m not sure, and I’m not going to press unless prompted. And I would advise you to do the same, Harry. He can get cold, really quickly, whether or not he loves you, he can just go blank, void, really. It’s not pretty, and it’s sure not fun to deal with, either.” 

__

Remus broke their intense eye contact, finally, running his finger along the rim of the coffee cup he had carried over. “That doesn’t mean you have to be cautious around him though. He’d hate that, actually. He already feels like a toddler, you know, how people are incredibly cautious and aware of everything their child is doing, trying to protect them from any potential danger? Don’t be like that with him, it’ll only make him feel worse than he already does about himself. Just don’t go dragging chains around, and you should be fine.” 

__

He gave Harry a small smile, but it was reassuring. Remus had that gift with people. 

__

“What about- Can I talk about Mom and Dad?” 

__

Remus’ heart sunk. He noticed it tended to do that when Harry referenced them as “Mom and Dad.” It led him to a lot of emotions he didn’t like revisiting, and he always tried his best not to dwell on that, even before this summer. He took Harry’s hands, smiling softly, hoping it was coming across as comforting.

__

“Yes, Harry. Talk about them for hours, days. Sirius, along with myself, love it. We really do. It’s a sore spot for all of us, but we’ve all learned our limits with it, as I’m sure you have as well. No, Harry. Talk about them, _please_. You’re the light of them, Harry. Don’t forget that. James and Lily were probably the single best thing about our adolescent years, and you- you’re now the light of our adult-ish years. Don’t let us derive you from speaking about them.”

__

Neither of them noticed Sirius standing in the open door frame. He was staring at Remus with so much love Harry thought _he_ might blush. 

__

“And I thought I was the one with good verbiage. Jesus, Moony. Be a teacher or something,” he grinned, sitting on Remus’ lap.

__

“Oh, shut it,” Remus responded, kissing him softly, causing Harry to smile. For his entire life on, Harry would always swear he never met two people more in love. 

__

“So,” Sirius smirked, turning his head to Harry. “Record shopping today?” 

__

\---- 

__

Sirius felt cool, his new favorite word, as he leaned on the counter. He was wearing black skinny jeans, his old Doc Martens, thank _god_ Remus had kept them, a Led Zeppelin t-shirt, and his favorite leather jacket over it all. It was summer, yes, but a cold day. That’s England, I guess. His hair was up in what Remus called a “half up, half down,” with the “half up” part being in a bun.

__

Remus, of course, came bounding the stairs in brown corduroys and a thin patterned sweater, his beat up Doc Martens shimmering in the light. Nonetheless, he looked good, like he always did, and Sirius felt his heartbeat speed up as Remus approached him. 15 years. He’d been in love with him for 15 years, and it never got old. 

__

“Where’s Harry?” Sirius asked as he crouched over the counter, finishing the crossword from the Muggle newspaper they were delivered. 

__

Remus sighed, leaning over Sirius’s shoulder. “Upstairs. Said something about writing a letter back to Ron. Oh, and the word you’re looking for is taciturn.” 

__

“Merci, my love.” 

__

Remus started rubbing Sirius’ neck, right where he knew he loved it. Sirius shivered under his touch. “Moony,” he said, leaning into his hand by craning his neck. 

__

“Sirius?” He asked, removing his hand and putting his head on Sirius’ left shoulder, having to put his right hand on the table to reach over comfortably, so he could whisper in Sirius’ ear. 

__

“Hm?” 

__

“Are you feeling better?”

__

Sirius sighed, and stood up straight, Remus doing the same. 

__

“Yeah, quite. I’m not certain what came over me, for some reason that-“ he shivered. “That really did it to me, Moony.” His eyes were soft, puppy-like. Remus hated pitying him, but it was so hard not to. 

__

He stepped forward, grabbing Sirius’ left hand, rubbing his thumb in circles. “You’re okay, Sirius. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

__

“I never said I-“

__

“I know you didn’t, but I also know you, and know that you’re probably still beating yourself up about it.”

__

Sirius was silent, which meant Remus was right. 

__

“Sirius, I need you to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. You’ve gone through more shit than anyone I know. Well, maybe Harry. Besides the point, but still. You have every right to be experiencing this. It’s _normal_. And you’ll get there, okay? I need you to tell me okay.”

__

Sirius, staring into his lover’s eyes, couldn’t seem to imagine a world where he wouldn’t be okay. He had Moony. That meant that everything, ever, would always be okay. 

__

“Okay,” he said, smiling. “I don’t deserve you, Moony.” He rested his head against Remus’ chest. “God, I love you.”  
Remus rubbed his hand against Sirius’ head resting it on the crook of his neck. He kissed his head, “I love you too. More than you know, Sirius, I love you.”

__

At that moment, Harry came bounding down the stairs, an extra pep in his step that Remus noticed. _Wonder what that’s all about, he thought._

__

“Ready to go?” Harry asked, excited about the prospect of finding a Nirvana record that he was so longing to share. 

__

“Ready as ever,” Remus smiled, grabbing Sirius’ hand as they walked out the door, using wandless magic to bring the last pancake from that morning’s breakfast to his hand. 

__

“Ugh, that’s _cold_ , Moony,” Sirius complained. 

__

“Doesn’t mean it’s not good,” Remus shrugged, stuffing the whole thing into his mouth. 

__

“You disgust me.”

__

“Awh, I love you too.” 

__

Remus kissed him, kissing him once more, harder this time, before he pulled away, stopping for a second while he cupped the side of Sirius’ face. Just to look. 

__

Yeah, he was happy. 

__

\-----

__

After the trio had apparated to London, well, okay. After the three had apparated to a dark alleyway in London, and after Harry had stopped feeling nauseous, they made their way to the nearest record store. Both Sirius and Harry were practically bouncing off their heels. Harry had been in a record store before, of course, but never with his Godparents, and he was oh so _dying_ to find a copy of “Nevermind” at the store.

__

Sirius, on the other hand, had never been inside a record store. 

__

“I can’t believe we never went to one before I-” he sighed as he walked along the cobblestone sidewalk. “Before I-”

__

Remus, walking behind him, put his hand on his shoulder. “I know.”

__

Sirius turned his head around, saying “I love you” with his eyes.

__

“It’s not like we had time anyway,” Remus said, kicking a pebble with his foot as they walked. “You were on Order missions every other day, and I was with werewolves for 3 months at one point. It wasn’t something high on our priority list.”

__

“True,” Sirius said, his voice small. They really hadn’t much time to do anything, really. The only times they could be Moony and Padfoot were in the dead of night, curled into each other as they slept. Those were the only times he felt safe during that whole year, curled up in his lover’s arms, feeling small. Safe. 

__

“You spent 3 months with werewolves?” Harry asked, turning his head back to meet Remus’ eyes. There wasn’t enough room for the three of them on the sidewalk. 

__

Remus went cold. He didn’t want to talk about this. He didn’t talk about it with Sirius, he didn’t let his mind talk about it, so he tried to brush it off. “Not really 3 months. In total, probably more like 2? I spent longer during the 12 years- you know what I mean, but no, it wasn’t really 3 months. Just exaggerating it.” 

__

“Oh,” Harry said, his eyes going back to the sidewalk. He was looking for a story, and Remus obviously didn’t want to tell it. “Still cool though.”

__

Sirius scoffed. 

__

“What?” Harry asked innocently. Remus didn’t want to break his pure heart and tell him that most of the werewolves he’d ever meet were not going to be like Remus. Not like Remus was a big teddy bear, either, but he sure was compared to some. Most. 

__

“Well-” Sirius started, wincing as Remus kicked his shin. 

__

“Oops.” 

__

Sirius turned his head, thinning his eyes to ask “What the hell?” but stopped when he saw the longing, puppy-like look in his eyes. “Please don’t,” they asked. 

__

Nodding at Remus, Sirius ended the conversation. 

__

“He wasn’t there by his own will. That’s really all there is to it,” Sirius told Harry, his eyes going between the two as he did. 

__

“Oh. That sucks,” Harry mumbled, looking at Remus with pity, making Remus’ blood grow even colder. 

__

He didn’t like feeling pitied. His self-esteem was already nonexistent, anyway, and he didn’t like people thinking he was just a big baby Pisces man who had all this trauma, all this hurt, blah blah blah. He’d gotten it his whole life. In fact, he thought he had gotten pity from just about everyone except for Albus Dumbledore. _Fucking Albus_.

__

The sidewalk had changed to cement, and they were now passing restaurants and shops, so Remus knew he _had_ to change the subject. 

__

“Whatever, it’s in the past, isn’t it?” Sirius exclaimed joyfully, changing the subject much to the liking of Remus. He clapped Harry on the shoulder. “Anything you’re looking to get today, Harry?” 

__

Harry scratched his arm, thinking. “Yeah, anything Nirvana, really. Maybe something new. Like, if the cover looks cool, I’ll buy it. Why not right?” 

__

Remus could think of plenty of reasons. A) The album could be horrible, and you just wasted your money, B) That’s money you’re spending, and money isn’t- he stopped his train of thought. He forgot whose kid he had in front of it. For Harry, money _was_ forever. He didn’t know how much James and Lily had actually left him, but he figured it was more money than he’d ever seen in his life. 

__

Sirius grinned. “I _love_ that attitude, man! “Why not?” That might be my new life motto!” He exclaimed, turning his body around so he was now walking backwards, his arms outstretched like he was a God. 

__

“Oh! There it is!” Harry yelled, pointing behind him.

__

_The Groove Records, “The Dance Music Specialists_ ,” the sign read. Remus grinned. He loved that.

__

“Brilliant,” Sirius whispered under his breath, pushing open the door with jaunt, Harry and Remus following close behind. 

__

\----- 

__

__

So far, Sirius had found Van Halen’s _1984_ , (he’d never even heard Van Halen, really. He missed out on their prime years, and had only heard Jump a few times, but he liked the album cover, and “Why Not?”) Supertramp’s _Breakfast in America_ , and The Rolling Stones’ _Some Girls_ the one Stones album they didn’t have, ensuing a huge grin from Remus.

__

Remus, he was sure, had found at least 10 records he wanted, but hadn’t kept them. Sirius had learned a while ago to stop reminding him it was _okay_ to buy things, he always got defensive. 

__

Sirius, despite everything he had done to stop it, had inevitably inherited the Black family fortune. 

__

Suffice to say, he was loaded. 

__

Remus was holding AC/DC’s _High Voltage_ in his left hand as he flicked through records with his right, pausing on a few, but continuing to sort through them. Sirius smiled softly as he watched him, his arm muscles as they decided to show themselves against the heavy records, the way his eyes widened when he saw an album he recognized, and he had to look away before he would just walk right over there and make out with him in the store.

__

Not like he could do that if he really wanted to, anyway. 

__

It wasn’t safe.

__

He flicked his eyes to Harry, who was holding two Nirvana records, _Nevermind_ and _MTV Unplugged in New York._

__

“I didn’t know they had a live album!” He had exclaimed, loud enough for the whole store to hear. 

__

“Yeah, just got it in a few days ago, actually,” the clerk on duty had said from across the store. 

__

_“Cool,”_ Harry had whispered, making Sirius blush from the whole cuteness of the boy in front of him. 

__

Sirius walked over to Harry, flicking through the tray next to him, but not really looking, just loving into the feeling of standing next to him.

__

Remus came up behind them, leaning in between their heads. Sirius noticed he had another album in his hand, _good_ , he thought. 

__

“So, Harry. You find the “Why Not?” album yet?” 

__

Harry shook his head, finishing reading the back of a Billy Joel album before turning around. “No. Might not find it today. That’s okay, though. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to- Oh!” His eyes widened, going past Remus’ head to the corner of the store. “What record is that?” He had practically screamed, scaring the clerk as he was shelving it, almost causing him to drop it. 

__

“Er- Sublime, I fink? Ever heard of em?” The clerk’s accent reminded Remus of Grant, and he smiled to himself softly. 

__

“No, I haven’t, but that _cover_! Remus, I think I found my “Why Not?” album!” 

__

Remus and Sirius exchanged grins, heading over to where Harry had just ran. 

__

_Sublime, 40z to Freedom_. Harry was right, the cover _was_ cool. Remus particularly liked it, it reminded him of summer. The season held some of his most cherished memories.

__

“Damn, Harry. Nice find. This sounds like an interesting listen,” he muttered, flipping over the album to read the song titles. 

__

Sirius crouched in between Remus’ upper arm and Harry’s shoulder. “Does that say… _Smoke Two Joints?_ ” 

__

“Sirius-”

__

“We’ll take it!” 

__

Harry just grinned at the pair as they made eye contact, pretending to be angry. The grins on their faces said otherwise. 

__

“We all done here?” Remus asked as they checked out, Sirius digging through his pockets for various coins. 

__

“Think so…” Harry said, giving the room one last sweep with his eyes. “Thanks a lot, Remus.” 

__

“For wh-” his eyes averted to the checkout, where he saw Sirius was paying for _all_ their records. Sirius turned towards Remus, a smug grin on his face. 

__

“Early birthday present for Harry!” He said in a silly voice. Remus couldn’t even try to be mad at him when he acted like that. 

__

Sirius grabbed his change and the large paper bag that held all the records, struggling to as he did, but getting it eventually. 

__

He’d have to ask Remus to carry it in the next 10 minutes.

__

“Anywhere else we need to go?” Sirius asked as he hurtled the bag under his arms. 

__

“Yeah. We need to head into Diagon Alley for-”

__

“ _Yes!_ ” Harry whispered.

__

Smiling, Remus continued. “We need to convert some more money to Muggle cash and coins, and then, food? Wizard or Muggle?” He spoke the last words in hushed tones, in case anyone was to hear. 

__

“ _Muggle._ ” Sirius and Harry answered, grinning.

__


	5. “Stop your crying, baby. It’ll be alright.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius goes through some pretty severe thoughts, the trio decides on something fun for the week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! OMFG THANK YOU FOR ALL THE LOVE ON THIS FIC! i’m so grateful. :) 
> 
> for updates on it, follow my tiktok, @immentalaboutyou. :) 
> 
> anyway, songs for this chapter!  
> \- sign of the times: harry styles  
> \- everlasting light: the black keys 
> 
> CW: HEAVY thoughts, language.

_Wednesday, June 21, 1995, 2:06p.m._

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at Snape the same way!” Harry laughed as he pushed open the door to the house. 

Remus snorted, _“Trust me._ Every time I see him l can still imagine him, red-faced, scratching away at the _mysterious itching_ that seemed to be attacking him.” 

“Still think that was one of your best works, love.” Sirius remarked, playfully bumping him on the shoulder as he hurried past him to set down the bag of records. 

Almost as soon as he did, Harry was opening _Nevermind._ “Come here, guys!” He said as he was already putting Side A on the turntable. 

Remus plopped himself down on the same leather chair, stretching out his legs and putting his hands behind his head, watching Harry try and determine how their stereo worked. Remus and Sirius didn’t just have a turntable, they had a _record player._ Remus and Grant had built it a few years back, with cabinets for the endless collection of vinyls, and two other large cabinets for stereo speakers that Remus had charmed so they could go _even louder._ Sirius complained that his eardrums were going to go bad, but also never turned it down, either, so. 

Sirius took to putting away all their new records, only to be stopped by Remus. 

“No, leave them out. Listening party?” 

Sirius smiled to himself, looking down at the records, before averting his gaze to Remus’s. 

“Just like with Bowie?” He said, his voice emotional. He was referring to their time in first year, (or was it second year?) He couldn’t remember. They had listened to _Ziggy Stardust_ all the way through, twice, while laying on their four-poster beds, smiling at the ceiling. 

He couldn’t remember a lot of things lately.

But he could remember Remus. The moments with him seemed clearer than water. 

Remus smiled at him, his eyes shimmering. “Just like with Bowie.”

Harry, oblivious to the moment happening behind him, had finally figured out the stereo, and had turned it up _almost_ all the way. “Ready?” He said, turning around to where Sirius had been standing, only to find he had moved to a sitting position, his back against the leather chair Remus was sitting in.

“Ready,” they both said. 

Harry smiled and put the needle on the spinning record. 

The opening riffs to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” began playing, and Remus bopped his head to it, smiling as the drums kicked in and the song sped up. 

Sirius started dancing with his head and shoulders while still sitting, somehow _still looking good doing it,_ Remus thought, when Kurt Cobain’s voice came in.

Meanwhile, Harry had taken to laying on the carpeted floor, his hands in the air as he “played the drums” in the air, screaming out the lyrics, which just made Remus and Sirius’ hearts flutter. 

They both _really_ liked the song, and found themselves singing along to the chorus as the song kept going. Sirius loved the _glamour_ sound to it, and how it was so different from anything he had ever heard. Remus loved the wording and message. “Smells like Teen Spirit. That’s so beautiful,” he had muttered as the song ended and In Bloom started playing, causing more grins from the three. 

Harry was right, this album was _good._

After about half an hour, Harry jumped up to flip to side B. “Now, _this_ is my favorite song,” he said, referring to “Territorial Pissings.” 

Sirius just grinned at him, excited to hear it, but more ecstatic at the complete pile of joy that was in front of him. Harry was so _happy._ It astounded him. How could someone who had gone through so much in such little time be sitting in front of him grinning like he was? It didn’t make any sense! 

It was like he was James, that was what it was. 

James Potter had the uncanny ability to always exude joy, even if he wasn’t feeling it on the inside, you would never have been able to tell. Sirius expected the only person who really got to see that part of him was Lily. Even he didn’t see the “dark” side to James often. Granted, Sirius was normally the one crying in James’ shoulder, but still. 

He let his mind wander, and started to worry that Harry wasn’t sharing it all, and was hiding behind a mask. 

He seemed happy, he really did. But...

He knew better than anyone, though, how easy it was to fake that. Sirius Black hid almost all of his emotions.

Not from Remus, not from Harry.

From himself. 

Azkaban took every emotion from him. It drained him, depleted him. It’s not that he was emotionless. No, not at all. In fact, Remus had told him he actually seemed _more emotional._

He had lost an idea of what it meant to _feel._

Over the last few days, Sirius had been so happy. _So_ incredibly joyful. But it felt like he wasn’t living those feelings; it felt like he was a stand-in, just waiting for the real person to show up and take these emotions from him. Every time he smiled or laughed or held Remus, it was _real_ , yes. Those were his emotions, his true feelings toward the moment at hand. 

But. 

He had to put effort into feeling, into emotion. He had become aware that they were emotions, and then he’d start to hyper-analyze them, and then he’d start to critique them, and then he’d start to think he should be smiling bigger, or laughing harder, or- 

He had no control over his emotions, had no idea where they would go at any given moment. They all blended together, like they were watercolors spreading on paper. 

They mixed when they weren’t supposed to.

Meaning that in the happiest moments, his mind would drag him to the darkest places. In the happiest moments with Harry over the last few days, he had to excuse himself to “the loo” multiple times, because he would suddenly start feeling like the 22-year old who just learned his best friends had been murdered, he was accused of it, and he was “never getting out.” 

He felt like how his Mother made him feel. 

And then there were the panic attacks, the PTSD. He felt more in those terror-ridden moments than he ever did anywhere else. Because _then_ , he wasn’t aware of his emotions. He still had no control over them, yes, but he couldn’t change them in an instant either. When he heard the sound of metal clanging and his whole body went cold, his neck throbbing, his eyes blurry, his mind flooded with tarnished memories, he wasn’t aware of it. It just… was. 

All he could do was shake in Remus’ arms until the memories ran out, until he was aware of Remus’ stubble on his forehead. 

Until he was aware of what he was feeling. 

And then came the guilt, the shame, the feeling of unworthiness. 

He felt like he could accomplish nothing, be nothing. He was dreaming it all, wasn’t he? Harry wasn’t sitting right in front of him, Remus wasn’t behind him, laughing as Harry shook his head so hard to the song that his glasses fell off. It wasn’t real, It wasn’t real, It wasn’t real. 

If it was real it meant that James and Lily really were dead, they really were gone, they really were-

“I need to go to the loo,” Sirius said, standing up so abruptly it stopped Harry's dancing. “Don’t stop the song, please.” 

Sirius brushed off his sweaty palms and walked as fast as it would look normal to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He put his palms on the counter and sighed heavily, closing his eyes, his knuckles gripping the marble _so hard._

He missed him so much. Them. Her. 

Why couldn’t they just _fucking be here?_ If James was here, maybe Sirius would have a grip on his emotions, maybe he could _feel without realizing that he was feeling_ , maybe he wouldn’t be learning things about Harry that he _should’ve already known_ , maybe Remus wouldn’t get that damn look on his face whenever he looked at him, that pitying, dreading, caring, loving, protective- 

Remus. _The only real thing about his life._

The only time he felt like he was actually _feeling_ something real was with Remus. _Moony._

Remus Lupin made Sirius Black feel without effort. His entire life, Sirius Black was told he wasn’t deserving of love. 

Up until he had the great honor of loving Remus Lupin, Sirius believed it. 

He was under the impression his entire life he would marry someone he didn’t love, didn’t really know. He had accepted that fact, and was okay with it. 

And then Remus bloody Lupin walked into his life. Remus was the only person who understood what it felt like to be Sirius Black. Remus was the only person, other than Regulus, who understood what it felt like to not know love. What it felt like to loathe yourself, to envy everyone around you. Of course, they both expressed those emotions in different ways, Sirius putting on a show of confidence, Remus hiding under his bedsheets. 

Sirius felt like there wasn’t anything he couldn’t tell Remus. Nothing he could say that would make him leave. 

_Make him leave._

Remus made him feel so incredibly valid. So real. 

So deserving. 

His smile was like the first light into a new world. His words were the feeling of contentment after a summer day spent in the sun. 

Remus Lupin felt like how it felt to watch the stars at night. Everywhere you look, it just gets better, it just gets more perfect. 

Sirius Black came with a lot of baggage. Remus Lupin loved him enough to help him unpack it. 

When he was around Remus Lupin, he wasn’t Sirius Black.

He was just Sirius. 

And he was _his._

To be Remus’s was the greatest honor of Sirius’ life. 

Sirius finally opened his eyes, looking at himself in the mirror as he lifted his head. 

He stared at his hair, his _messy_ hair, his pierced ear, the sharktooth hanging from it, his eyes, his jawline, his frail body, his forehead that was creased with wrinkles that shouldn’t need to be there. 

He tried to look at himself the way Remus does. He tried to see the perfection in the imperfections. 

He couldn’t do it, not yet. But that was okay. For every failed attempt, there is one step closer to success. 

Sighing, he walked back out, his eyes down. He didn’t notice the feet outside the door until he almost tripped over them. Remus, luckily, had lightning reflexes, and caught him before he did. 

“Moony? What are you-” Sirius started.

“Just _come here._ ” Remus muttered, so quiet it was almost a whisper. His words were quiet in sound, but they were so loud in emotion. 

Sirius didn’t have any words, just let himself be enveloped into his lover’s arms. He started to shake as tears fell out of him. 

Remus pulled back, holding Sirius’ head in his hands, his eyes filling with worry, his gaze so strong. “Another attack?”

Sirius shook his head, smiling softly. “No. Just you.”

Remus made a grunting noise and pulled Sirius into him with the force of a madman, gripping the back of his head, forcing it into his shoulder, his other hand resting itself on Sirius’ waist. Sirius buried his head into his shoulder even more, shutting his eyes. Remus kissed his head, letting it rest there after. 

They stood like that for minutes, only breaking when Remus whispered, playfully. 

“I do kinda have to piss, though.” 

~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, June 21, 5:25p.m.

The rest of the day wasn’t so heavy, which was exactly what Sirius needed. He had let out a lot of emotions, and he didn’t think he’d be revisiting those any time soon, it hurt enough already. 

Harry definitely gave him some sympathizing looks as the afternoon went on, but he didn’t ask, and Sirius was grateful. He assumed Remus had told him not to, but still. It was nice. 

They had officially listened all the way through the new records they had purchased, and everyone, surprisingly, had very different opinions. 

“Just for fun, let’s write out our favorite albums and compare?” Remus asked, excitedly. 

_That’s… fun?_ Sirius and Harry had both thought, and they exchanged a humorous glance before answering. 

“Sure?” Sirius smirked, getting a very happy response from Remus, who jumped up to grab parchment and quills from the kitchen drawers. 

“He’s odd, that one,” Harry muttered to Sirius quietly, stifling laughter. 

“Yeah, but we love him nonetheless.” 

Sirius’ favorite albums were a tie between _Nevermind_ and _Breakfast in America._

“Sorry, love, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get behind Supertramp. Their sound is too… pop?” Remus said, throwing up candied peanuts in the air and trying to catch them in his mouth, one hitting his eye, making Harry snicker. 

_“That’s what’s so good about them!!”_ Sirius had said, throwing his hands back dramatically. 

Remus’ albums were a three-way tie. _Some Girls, High Voltage_ and _Nevermind_ were his top three. 

Harry grinned as he learned _Nevermind_ was on both of their lists. He felt like an adult, for some reason. 

“I have no complaints with that list,” Sirius muttered, smirking at Remus.

Remus thinned his eyes playfully. “Of course you don’t. You’re in love with Mick Jagger, so therefore, any list that has a Stones album on it is fine in your books.”

Sirius rolled his eyes in jest, his grin getting bigger. “You know why I think he’s hot, right?”

Remus threw his legs over the side of the chair so they were now on the ground again, and he leaned over his legs. “Oh, do tell.”

Sirius leaned back, resting himself on his elbows. “Because he looks like you.”

“I THOUGHT THAT SAME THING!” Harry practically screamed, blushing when he realized how loud he was. 

Remus sat up. “No, I don’t.” He shut his eyes, shaking his head. Mick Jagger was _hot_. Remus Lupin had never thought about himself as anything more than average. “You’re lying.”

Sirius just laughed, grabbing a handful of the candied peanuts. _These things were good._ “Am not, love.” 

“You really do look like him, man.” Harry chimed in, smiling at Sirius, happy to agree with him. 

Remus just rolled his eyes, laughing. 

Of course, Harry’s favorite album was Nevermind, but he also ended up really liking Van Halen’s 1984. It had a different sound to it. It was rock, for sure, but it was cleaner, more electric. He made them play “Top Jimmy” multiple times before he was satisfied. 

Currently, Billy Joel’s _The Stranger_ was playing in the background, Vienna, specifically. Remus was silently mouthing the words, “belting” it dramatically. 

“What should we do this week?” Sirius asked, now laying on his back, watching the stars on the ceiling. He still hadn’t un-charmed it. 

“We couuuuuld,” Remus dragged as he stood up, walking over to the kitchen and opening the fridge.

_Man, he never stops eating,_ Sirius thought, smiling. 

“We could go see a movie, we could go swimming, if it warms up. I think there’s a lake not far from here, we could- Oh!” An idea popped into his head. 

“What?!” Sirius and Harry asked at the same time, grinning. 

“Hang on, just me just-” Remus was cutting bread to put it in the toaster. “Okay, sorry.”

He brushed his hands on his jeans and looked up. “Let’s have the Weasley’s over for dinner.”

“ _YES._ ” Harry declared. 

Sirius grinned at him, but turned towards Remus, a look of worry on his face, not to mention the worry in his heart. 

“Is it-” he sighed. “Is it safe for me? I mean, they all know I’m innocent, they don’t hate me or anything?” 

“I don’t think you should be asking me that question,” Remus said, licking the jam off the knife as he threw it in the sink. 

“Ah, you’re right.” He twisted his body. “Harry, do they hate me?”

Harry hesitated. Oh no. 

“Well, I can’t say Percy doesn’t. But he probably won’t even be there, anyway. I really don’t know Charlie at all, honest. But uh- besides those two, I know the rest of the family adores you. Mrs. Weasley thinks you’re a bad influence on me, but that’s nothing to do with your, er- prison thing. She doesn’t trust people who wear the color black willingly, I guess. Must be why she doesn’t trust Bill, hah.” 

Sirius smiled, relieved, and turned his head back to Remus. “Let’s do it then! Harry, you want to send a letter to Ron, then? And uh- tomorrow?” 

Remus was leaning on the kitchen counter, looking at his nails, his toast almost already half devoured. “Tomorrow works fine.”

“I’ll go send that letter. Oh, the twins will be excited. Oh! Could I extend the invite to Hermione? I don’t know if her parents will let her, but, worth a shot?”

“Yes! I loved her!” Sirius said. “Tell her if she comes, to bring that cat, Crookshanks.”

“Will do!” Harry yelled, already up the stairs. 

Sirius sighed, leaning back, when he realized something, something that made him beam.

He had just gone through all those emotions without thinking about it. He had just felt something without the critique, without the analysis.

“Hey, darling?” Remus muttered, distractedly. 

Sirius’ stomach fluttered. Remus didn’t really call him “love” or “darling” in front of others, and Sirius loved hearing it. 

“Yes?” Sirius asked, sitting back up, standing up fully this time, stretching his limbs.

Remus was still looking at his nails, a quizzical look on his face. 

“What, Moony?” 

Remus looked up. “Do we have any nail polish?”


	6. “We’re coming home now.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Weasley’s come for the night, Harry makes an announcement, and plans are made for an upcoming event.
> 
> CW: language, little bit of internalized homophobia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! i thought it’d be fun to share how i visualize some of the characters + their houses so... here’s a link! have a look, don’t. your choice.
> 
> https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cFRwmEFz3jP5ASYHxbdpRwT67jetCiaes6FJTKkjpRU/edit
> 
> anyway... songs :D  
> \- Oh! You Pretty Things: David Bowie  
> \- Home: Dotan  
> \- Godspeed: Frank Ocean
> 
> (all the playlist songs are on a playlist too. link is in the entire work summary.) anyways have fun this is a good one. :)

_Thursday, June 22, 1995 3:27 p.m._

So it was settled, the Weasley family, accompanied by Hermione Granger, Lee Jordan, and Luna Lovegood, were coming to the Black/Lupin household for a night of “fun and games.” 

Harry, to say the least, was _ecstatic._ He didn’t get summers that were spent with his friends, ever. He tried to imagine the Dursley’s, stuck at home with Dudley’s new diet, Uncle Vernon grumping over something, Aunt Petunia cleaning, now that Harry wasn’t there to do it. He smiled thinking about it, coming down the stairs, (he had just changed shirts to the same Pink Floyd tee. He wanted to look _cool_ ) hearing Queen’s _A Day at the Races_ album playing, blared on Remus’ favorite song of the album, “White Man.”

Over the last five days, Harry swore he’d never been happier. These five days ranked just as high as the first time he saw his parents in the Mirror of Erised, the only memory he’d ever deemed truly happy. It was what he needed, anyway. The thought of spending the summer with the Dursley’s was always a horrid thought, but after the year he had, he did not need that. Honestly, he was worried about what he might say or do while there. How was he supposed to explain to them he was angry because he had seen one of his closest friends murdered in front of him while he was held in a chokehold by a statue by the dark wizard who had murdered his parents?

Exactly, he couldn’t.

To escape the Wizarding World in a place like this was Harry’s idea of heaven. He didn’t think he believed in a God, but he thought that if there was one, Sirius and Remus had to be them. It? He didn’t know. Could God be two people? 

He hadn’t really talked about what it had been like for him the last four years, though.

Of course, he’d shared all his adventures, all his joys, but he hadn’t glossed over, at all, anything in relation to Voldemort or Cedric Diggory. It was too painful for him. 

Anyway, no adult had ever asked him about it, anyway. 

_No adult had ever asked him about it._

He turned the corner, seeing a dancing Remus, wearing garden gloves in the backyard. Harry laughed at his… you couldn’t even call it dancing. Harry leaned against the stairwell, content to just watch him, laughing. The glass doors were open, so he could hear them easily. 

“Moony, I don’t think we have enough chairs!” 

“Buy some more, then!” Remus screamed, his eyes closed, his head rocking back and forth to the song.

“No, really, Moony. What’s the… the duplication spell?” Sirius now came out from behind the shed in the back, his hair up in a bun, which was tied with his wand. 

“Duplici Exemplari,” Remus muttered, still dancing. 

“Thanks! _Duplici Exemplari_ , er- How many more chairs?!” 

“Try ten! We’ve got like 6 already.” 

“Okay! _Duplici Exemplari Decem!”_

The chair in front of him suddenly transformed into ten. Harry didn’t even know that spell existed. 

Sirius began heaving the chairs to their porch, Remus helping now that the song had ended, “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy” playing in the background, eliciting a weird look on Remus’ face. He liked the song, Harry knew this, but whenever it played, he seemed to get quite sad, and would go kinda cold, into a dreamlike state for the entirety of it. 

Harry sighed, leaning off the stairwell and walking out. 

“Harry!” Sirius smiled, dropping the chair onto his toe. “ _MERDE!_ ” 

Remus snorted at him, setting the chairs around the table, realizing they didn’t have enough space around the table. The porch was large, the cobblestone stretching well into the large backyard, but the table was small, built for four people, maybe six at maximum. 

“Ah well, stand back.” Remus said. “ _Engorgio_.”  
  
And, the table was now large enough to fit everyone comfortably, turning into an odd oval shape, but it worked. 

“I really don’t get how you both can use wandless magic so easily.” 

Sirius, since doing it a few days ago, has had no troubles since. 

Sirius glanced at Remus, smirking. He set down the chair in his hand, leaning over it. “Well, Remus and I actually have a theory. We think you don’t even _need_ wands to do magic. Think about it, you know that thing with your cousin, and the glass, at the zoo? And your aunt? You didn’t use magic. You didn’t even know about magic, and you were able to do it. Anyway, we think it’s a capitalist venture. Meaning that they created the ideal that we “need” wands in order to get more money. Sure, they can be a great help in duels, but, not many people really, are doing duels everyday.”

Harry sighed. It felt like he always was. “That makes sense, though. Huh. Maybe that’s why Ollivander is so weird.”

Remus chortled. “Hah! I remember him. Met him at Hogwarts for the first time, I inherited my wand from my father, so I didn’t see him for my wand. But he was called for something, I think the Creevy kid broke his wand. He was… odd.” 

Harry was interested. Remus hadn’t mentioned his family once the whole time he had been there. He was about to ask when-

“Bloody _hell,_ Ginny, get off me.” Ron’s voice rang through the air. 

_They were here._

Multiple _CRACKS!_ came from the front of the house, and then the doorbell rang. 

“We’re back here!” Remus yelled, his voice deep. 

More rustling, and the Weasley clan came out from the side, Arthur’s eyes wide as he stared at the house. 

“ _Harry,”_ Molly Weasley said, her arms out wide. Harry ran, hugging her, smelling her perfume, her oh-so familiar hugs gave him peace, and he squeezed her tighter.  
“Hi, love,” she whispered, her voice happy. 

“Harry.” Arthur stated, nodding to Harry, before catching Remus’ eye and walking over, giving him a “man-hug.”

“Hey, Harry!” Ron exclaimed, coming around. 

Harry let go of Molly, who gave him one last kiss on the forehead, and met Arthur. 

“Hi!” Harry said, hugging Ron and Hermione both at the same time. 

“ _Harry, boy!_ ” The twins yelped as they flew in on their broomsticks. They had apparated, why did they have their broomsticks?

“Hi?” Harry laughed, giving them both high-fives as they came whizzing past. 

“Bollocks, George, It’s _Padfoot,”_ he heard Fred whisper as they whizzed past. 

Percy had already passed him, and Harry didn’t see. He had plopped himself down in a chair and was reading… something. So apparently he did come. 

Ginny and Luna came around, hand in hand. “Harry!” They said, at the same time. 

“Hey, ladies!” Harry said, giving them both kisses on the cheek. Ginny and Luna were two of his best friends, he was so excited when Ginny came to him in confidence a few months ago:

 _“Harry, I’m dating Luna.”_

He always thought she was in love with him, and it was honestly a bit of relief. But, since then, their friendship has really grown, and he considered her to be one of his best friends. Luna, he wasn’t as close to, but really did like her. She was different. He liked that. 

And then, Bill and Charlie walked past, in conversation. 

“I’m telling you, Charlie. The Ministry needs to go. I don’t care if Dad loses his job, he’d be happy with a Muggle job, really. I mean- Harry!” Bill smiled as he noticed Harry. “Come here, kiddo!”

Harry practically ran to Bill, hugging his waist. He was so _tall._ His stomach started to flutter again. 

He let go, greeting Charlie with a fist bump and a “Hey, man.”

Harry turned around, his stomach warm with joy. 

Sirius and Hermione were in conversation, Crookshanks already in Sirus’ arms, he was stroking her softly, laughing at something Hermione said. Ron was chasing Fred across the yard. “Give that back!” He was yelling, grabbing the attention of Molly. “Hey! _HEY!”_

Arthur and Remus were still in conversation, and Remus was practically glowing, he looked so happy. 

George was walking over to Harry now. “We’ve got a surprise for you, Harry. Dad said it’d be an “early birthday gift,” but I think he just wanted to get in on some of the action himself.”

“What do you mean?” Harry said.

George pointed behind Harry. 

“QUIDDITCH!!” Charlie was yelling, now holding a giant cloth bag, which he dumped out.

_Broomsticks!_

About 15 broomsticks fell out of the bag, along with a huge trunk, which likely held the balls. 

“But we aren’t allowed to use-” Harry started. 

“I got special Ministry permission, just for tonight!” Arthur said, coming up behind Harry, clapping him on the back. “Now, goals are a problem. Anyone know a spell for making rings in the air?” He said, turning back towards the group.

Harry was in awe. 

_Could things get any better than this?_

~~~~~

Turns out they could. Everyone had just finished their third Quidditch game, the “grey” team vs the “yellow,” yellow taking the win. (Harry got the Snitch pretty quickly), and they were _tired_. And quite starved. 

Luckily, Remus and Molly had sat the games out to cook dinner, and it smelled… _wonderful._

“Had no idea you were that good of a seeker, Harry,” Bill said, clapping Harry on the back as he walked past, panting. 

Harry’s stomach churned. Hunger or attraction? He didn’t know, didn’t care. 

“Got to say, you gave me a run for my money there, Sirius,” Fred said, walking on Sirius’ left side. 

“Yeah, really. I’ve heard about the Black-Mckinnon Beater legacy, but _damn, man,”_ George said. 

Sirius laughed, throwing his arms around the boys, who practically gushed. It was like they were meeting Elton John or something, they were so excited. 

Everyone sat down at the table while Remus and Molly brought out the platters of food. 

There was chicken, pork chops, salad, bread pudding, regular pudding, potatoes, casserole. 

“And uh- I don’t know if anyone here doesn’t eat meat, but I made tofu wings? I just eye-balled it, I don’t even know if they’re-”

“Thanks, Professor Lupin!” Luna said, reaching for them. 

Remus just smiled, proud of himself. 

Sirius was smirking at him. 

“What?” Remus mouthed. 

Sirius thinned his eyes playfully, shaking his head. _“Professor Lupin,”_ he mouthed.

Remus rolled his eyes, flipping him off secretly by scratching his nose.

CRACK! 

_Who else was_ -

“LEE!” George had screamed, jumping up, but quickly sitting down, noticing the stares. 

“Hey, Par-tay people!!!” Lee exclaimed. 

Sirius had no idea who this kid was, but he loved him already. 

“Sorry I’m so late, I promised I’d make it for the Quidditch game, I swear, Harry. I- I took a nap.”

Harry laughed. At least he was honest. 

Lee took a seat, next to George, heaving his plate with food as everyone else was.

“So,” Remus started, gesturing towards the twins. 

“I hear you two are opening your own joke shop?” 

Molly rolled her eyes. “Oh, Remus. Don’t get them started. They’ll never stop!”

Remus met her eyes, smirking. “Fantastic.” He turned his gaze back to the twins. “What’s the craziest thing you’ve got?”

~~~~~~~~~

The daylight was coming to a close, the group had spread out. Percy, Molly, Hermione and Charlie were in deep conversation in the kitchen, Hermione looked visibly angered, and Harry thought he could make out the words “house elf” on her lips. 

Fred, Sirius, Ron, and Bill were back on their brooms, throwing the Snitch to see who could get it first.

Sirius got it every time. He didn’t even play Seeker, but he was a _bloody good_ Quidditch player. 

Harry, Remus, Ginny, Luna, George, and Lee were sitting around the campfire, not talking about much, just various topics like Quidditch, the twin’s joke shop, etc. 

They had fallen out of conversation, but were okay with that. 

Luna was leaning into Ginny, her eyes closed, humming a tune. Harry smiled, catching Ginny’s eye. 

She was so happy. 

Remus was leaning back in his chair, staring at the wide night sky, a smile on his face. 

This day had been perfect, Harry decided. All of his favorite people, in one place. He had laughed so many times, so much he had almost but forgotten everything he had to worry about. 

Everything that there was to worry about.

Voldemort wasn’t gone, would he have to fight? Would more people have to die for him? Would he have to-

“Lee!! Too far!” George laughed, causing everyone to lean forward, quizzical about what was going on. 

“Sorry you don’t understand my _mature_ humor, sweetheart,” Lee grinned, putting his forehead to George’s, who was beaming. 

He wasn’t beaming for long though. He jumped back. “Oh!” 

He looked around him, at the group that was now jaw-dropped near him. Except for Luna. She was still humming. 

_“How did I not know?”_ Ginny whispered. 

Remus kept him. “George. Hang on.” 

He turned his body, and cupped his hands. “ _SIRIUS!_ ”

Sirius, mid plummet, stopped instantly. “ _WHAT?”_

_“COME HERE!”_

_“OKAY!”_

He gestured to his playmates, as if to say “Be right back,” and flew down, going so fast Harry thought he would fall off. He didn’t of course, and landed gracefully, like it wasn’t even a problem.

He hopped off his broomstick, stretching his legs. “What?”

Remus grabbed his shirt, pulling him into the firelight.

“Moony, what-”

He was shut up by a hard, passionate kiss from Remus. 

“Mm,” Sirius grunted, putting his hand on Remus’ neck, turning his body into his. 

They pulled away forcefully, Sirius grinning. “Love, what was _that_ for?”

“Them,” Remus said, gesturing to George and Lee.

“Them?” Sirius looked confused, but realized instantly when he saw a tearful George.

George had a lot of internalized hatred toward himself, and was convinced that everyone else did too. He knew his family didn’t care. But, he didn’t know- _He just didn’t know_. All he knew was Lee. He loved him more than he knew love could go.

“ _Thank you,_ ” George whispered, his voice shaky.

Lee smiled, and gripped George’s hand, leaning his head on his shoulder. 

Ginny cackled. “Well if this isn’t the gayest campfire I’ve ever been to.”

Sirius snorted. “Yeah, you’re right. Well- almost.” He gestured to Harry

Harry went cold. _Now or never, Harry. Now or never._

“I’m bisexual.” 

Everyone went silent. 

“OH, I _KNEW_ IT!” Remus yelped, letting go of Sirius’ shoulder and running over, hugging Harry so hard. “I’m so proud of you, kiddo. So proud of you.”

Harry’s eyes watered. He’d known this for a while. He- he just didn’t like revisiting it. The person who made him realize was also the person he had watched die in front of a few months ago, so it wasn’t exactly… happy.

Sirius was cackling. I mean, he was actually hunched over fully, his wheezes so hard they were silent. 

“Sirius?” Ginny asked, a smirk on her face. His laugh was contagious. 

“Sorry, sorry, hang on- HAH!” He was standing up now, and had to put a hand over his chest to recover. Once he stopped gasping, he looked at Remus. 

“What is it about coming out at campfires, huh?” 

Remus just about lost it, and had to sit down afterwards, causing confusion from the group. 

Remus explained the story of 1977; everyone gushing about James and Lily’s “allyship,” and swooning over Remus and Sirius. 

Bill had joined them about halfway through. 

“Oh, gay stories? Count me in.”

No one said anything. 

“No response, really?” He asked, confused.

“Bill, honey. We’ve known for a while. No one with a ponytail is straight.” Lee said, grinning.

“Yeah. Mom had us place bets, actually,” George added. 

Bill just gawked. “Well then.” 

Meanwhile, Remus walked over to Harry’s seat, and sat down next to him on the wooden bench. “So, when did you know?”

Harry sighed.

“Cedric.”

“Oh. Shit, Harry. That's- ugh. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.” 

Remus nudged him with his shoulder, giving him a grin. That grin really could cure all.

“You know,” Luna said, her voice whimsical. “There’s a Pride March in London on the 24th. Father reckons we’d go to it. You all should come. We’ll have to be Muggles, but, that’s alright!”

Silence.

“Well, would you like to go?”

Sirius sat up. “ _DUH._ ”

Remus had actually been to one before. Him and Grant went to one three years ago. He hadn’t told Sirius about it, ever. 

Something really bad had happened, something he didn’t like revisiting. 

Something so horrible he didn’t know if he could talk about it. 

He hadn’t told Sirius about a lot of things, actually, from that time. 

“What is a Pride March?” George asked.

Luna happily explained. How she knew so much, no one knew, but they trusted her. 

Sirius had moved over to Remus’ side, squeezing his arm as Luna explained, so, so excited. 

Remus smiled back, but he felt guilty. 

_He needed to tell Sirius._


	7. “My church offers no absolutes.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus opens up to Sirius about an incident in the past, the pair goes to their first Pride Parade together. EEE!
> 
> CW: HEAVY(!!!) homophobic actions, self-h!rm, su!c!dal thoughts/actions, religious tr!uma. overall, heavy shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer! there’s a lot of anti-religious talk in this chapter. this is not meant to offend any religious person or peoples. it’s purely dialogue. 
> 
> this chapter was hard to write. i hope i did it justice. and yeah, this shit actually happened, you’ll know what i mean. not like, specifically, but.. you’ll see. 
> 
> what i write here isn’t a stretch. it’s not “radical.”  
> people were actually burned for their sexual preferences, that is a FACT. it didn’t just happen in the 18th and 19th centuries. 
> 
> FUN FACT! the pride parade in this was an ACTUAL THING! THE DATE TOO!! idk i think this is pretty cool, there’s a video from it here. pretty empowering. :) FUCKING PRIDE BABY!!! WHOOP!!  
> http://www.aparchive.com/metadata/youtube/f20e32bad6dcc9522b891d8dc5723b47
> 
> songs!!  
> \- Die Alone- FINNEAS  
> \- Take Me to Church- Hozier

_Friday, June 23rd, 1995. 10:59p.m._

“Could you believe that story Harry told us today?” Sirius muttered, his mouth full from toothpaste. “Who battles a troll their first year at Hogwarts?” He spit, wiping his mouth with his t-shirt sleeve. Well, _Remus’s shirt._

“Yeah, that’s pretty crazy,” Remus muttered, his voice expressionless. He was standing at their dresser, flipping through shirts, trying to pass the time until Sirius walked into the room. 

After Sirius had washed his face twice, pulled his hair behind his head, and finished filing his nails, he finally came into the room, and he flopped down on the bed, his arm on his forehead.

“Anyway, today was amazing, love. Just-”

“Sirius.”

He removed his arm from his head, looking at the back of Remus’s, who had stopped, holding a t-shirt. “Yeah?” 

“I need to talk to you,” Remus mumbled. His voice was thick, full of worry. Full of hurt.

Sirius sat up all the way now, patting his hand on the comforter. “Uh- okay. Yeah. What’s up?” 

Remus hadn’t said those words in a while, and Sirius’ head was starting to run. Did he do something, did he say something? Did something happen with the Weasley’s last night? Jesus Christ, was the Order coming back? 

“It’s not about you,” Remus said, sitting down, pulling his legs up so he was sitting cross-legged. 

Sirius sighed, relieved. “Okay. Thank you for telling me that upfront. What is it?”

Remus took a deep breath, closing his eyes and letting his head hang. He thought he was ready, he’d spent the whole day thinking of how to bring this up, and yet, now, he couldn’t find the words. He leaned forward, leaning his head on Sirius’ bony shoulder. Sirius, of course, let him, and put his left hand on Remus’ neck, massaging it. 

Sirius knew it had to be severe. Remus was the one who always had the words, always knew how to express exactly what he was trying to express.

They sat like that for a few minutes, Sirius rubbing Remus’ neck, not noticing Remus had started to cry until he pulled his head up. 

“Oh my- Remus, what is wrong?”

Remus sniffled. “ _Something really bad happened to me, Padfoot.”_

His voice shook, but he collected himself, taking deep breaths. 

He met Sirius’ eyes, almost collapsing when he saw how worried they were. 

“I need you to be okay with the fact I’ve never told you this. Can you do that?”

Sirius nodded. _Of course he could._ “Yes. I swear.”

“Okay. And I need you to let me talk here. There’s a lot to unpack, a lot of pretty complex shit. You can hold me after, okay? Right now, all I need from you is to listen.”

Sirius sighed, not knowing what to expect. All he knew is he loved Remus, and loving him meant loving his baggage. He put his hand on Remus’ chin, wiping away his still slow-coming tears. “I can do that,” he whispered.

Remus grabbed his hand and kissed it, not breaking their eye contact. He was shaking now, he could tell. God, how he’d kill for a beer right now. This was breaking him already. 

“Grant and I went to a Pride March in London in 1991. It was one of the first ones ever in London, actually. We decided it was safe, and we both wanted to, so… we did.” 

Sirius nodded, still holding Remus’ hand, still holding eye contact. 

“But of course, Grant slept in, and I didn’t wake him, so we were late to the start of it. We walked the 5 blocks to where it started, and-” he shivered, breaking their eye contact but squeezing Sirius’ hand.

Revisiting those days was like he was living them again; his body was going cold, he was shaking, he knew Sirius was there, holding his hand, but he didn’t _know_ it. He wasn’t physically alone, but mentally, there was no one in sight. He couldn’t stop thinking, he couldn’t stop thinking, he couldn’t stop-

_Why?_

_Why did this happen to him?_

_Why did this happen to us?_

_Fuck god. Fuck your relgion. Fuck you all._

_I don’t deserve a life._

_I don’t deserve a home._

_I’m a sickness._

_I was born sick._

_I’m unfixable._

_All I have left inside me is sadness._

_What did joy feel like? Have I ever truly met it in the face?_

_What is so fucked up about me? ___

____

_Why does no one love me?_

____

Why did he leave?

____

_Why don’t I just leave?_

____

_All my problems would be solved if I just wasn’t here anymore._

____

Shivering, he collapsed into Sirius’ arms, weeping for his life. Weeping for his life that never got to be lived. 

____

Weeping for a life that was so void of joy.

____

Weeping for a life that he still didn’t have, for every good thing that happened to him, he expected it to be taken from him.

____

There was not a single good thing that had entered Remus’ life that wasn’t stolen from him. 

____

Sirius just held him, feeling his own tears come on. He didn’t know what was happening, what was going to happen, but he knew he needed to just be here, mentally and physically. 

____

Remus didn’t move his head from Sirius’ shoulder, but he started again. “We were late, but we could see the procession, or whatever it was, in front of us. So naturally, we took off running, our damn shorts chafing our thighs as we did. I didn’t even notice he was gone until I did. I looked back, and I said “We’re almost there!” and he wasn’t. He was… gone. He hadn’t tripped, he hadn’t fallen. It was like he had apparated, really.”

____

He lifted his head, meeting Sirius’ worried gaze. Sirius gave him a soft smile. “I’m listening.” 

____

“I- I ran back, right? I didn’t hear anything at first. And honestly, I don’t think I would’ve heard if I didn’t have my hearing. But I heard it,” he started shaking again, and he squeezed Sirius’ hand so hard it hurt, but Sirius didn’t wince, didn’t pull back.

____

“What did you hear, Remus?”

____

“ _I heard his screams._ ” He felt Sirius shiver. 

____

“I heard his fucking screams, his fucking horror cries. I burst open the door they were coming from, it was in the alleyway we had just passed. And- _Jesus Fucking Christ this is hard_ , they had him pinned to the ground, his hands were tied, his mouth was gagged, and he was stripped from his clothes. I mean, they were _torn_ next to him, and they were forced off him, Si-”

____

Sirius stopped him, putting his left hand on Remus’ face. “They?”

____

Remus sighed, leaning into Sirius’ eyes. “Catholics.” 

____

Oh, Sirius thought. _Oh._

____

“They were in that room, at least five of them, with their fucking cloaks and hoods, their goddamn gold crosses hanging off their necks, and they were _laughing._ As I walked in, Grant lifted his head to me, and they slammed it down so _fucking hard._ They broke his nose, actually. He was bleeding out on that table and I couldn’t get to him. _I couldn’t get to him_ then because they had fucking tied my hands as soon as I entered the building. I didn’t even notice they were there. _I didn’t even notice._ I eventually untied them, but not fast enough. One of them came over and started pouring a liquid on Grant, all over his naked body. I smelled it instantly, of course.”

____

He shivered again, but kept going. “ _They were pouring gasoline on him, Sirius.”_

____

“Holy Shit,” Sirius whispered under his breath. Sirius was practically losing it over there. Just the thought of his Moony hurting was enough to make him want to quit it all. 

____

Remus continued, not noticing Sirius even talked. “ _They were going to burn him. BURN HIM!_ Fucking alive. I fucking ripped those ropes off my hands, lunging toward him. They tried to stop me, they actually had knives, and,” he pulled up his sleeve. 

____

Sirius looked down, expecting to see a tattoo or something, but no. He just saw the same long scar Remus had gotten from one of his “worser nights” from when he was in Azkaban and- _oh my god._

____

That wasn’t a wolf scar.

____

The scar ran from his wrist to his mid-bicep, and it was one of Remus’ worst. It was red, scarred, and it stood up on his arm, it was _ugly._

____

“My fucking arm started bleeding out,” he continued, “but that didn’t matter. I had to stop them, I had to save Grant. I- I used magic, actually. I-” He didn’t know how to tell Sirius this part. 

____

“I used the Cruciatus curse.” 

____

Sirius pulled back. That was the same curse his parents- that- It didn’t matter. His own personal emotions didn’t have a place right now.

____

“Sirius-” Remus croaked, reaching back for his hand, which Sirius eagerly gave back. 

____

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s just- you know.”

____

“Yes. I do” Remus croaked, his voice shaking. “But- uh. I got him out, obviously. I dragged him back to our flat, him in my arms, weeping the whole time. I don’t think I’ve ever heard cries with more hurt in them than I did in that moment. And, we got back, right? And he just went into the bedroom and layed there, shaking, for hours. He wouldn’t let me near him, wouldn’t let me touch him. It wasn’t until later I learned that they didn’t just try and fucking- you know. Apparently I had been running without him for longer than I thought. They had sexually assaulted him, in an attempt to _convert_ him. Yeah, I see that look in your eyes, it’s ridiculous, I know. Fucking insane. All over the apartment building and the streets, too, were posters. “Get rid of the Gays,” “God hates Gays,” “You can still be saved,” all that bullshit. They were everywhere. And I- I just wanted to leave, I almost did.”

____

“Leave?” Sirius asked, confused. What good would leaving the flat do?

____

“Leave this world.” Remus muttered, his voice cold.

____

_“Moony,”_ Sirius whispered, gripping Remus’ hand tighter. He understood this. 

____

“I- I went to the store, I bought these prescription drugs, I almost-” He shivered again. “I didn’t, though. Actually, you saved me.”

____

_You saved me._

____

“I was sitting in the bathroom, Grant was holed up in the bed. I was sitting there, and I looked into the mirror, and… you were there. Not really, obviously, but for some reason, I was brought back to when you let me in the bathroom second year? You wouldn’t let James in, but you let me in? Remember? Yeah? Okay. I felt so valid in that moment, and that moment popped into my head then. I… felt it again? The memory made me feel like I did then. And of course, I never stopped loving you anyway, so it was more than enough. I flushed the pills and walked out of the bathroom. And I’m here today, aren’t I?” 

____

Sirius put his forehead to Remus’. “Yes, you are.”

____

They sat like that for a while.

____

“Sorry to dump all that on you.”

____

“ _REMUS!_ Don’t fucking apolgize,” Sirius whined, grinning. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

____

Remus met his gaze, smiling too. “Okay.” 

____

“Thank you for telling me. That was quite hard, I expect. And, I’m proud of you. You did the right thing, know that. Grant owes you his life, and you saved it. That says _something,_ I think. Are you- How did the Ministry not stop you?” 

____

“Oh, I expect they did, but they probably didn’t care enough. I never heard anything.” 

____

“Are you going to be okay tomorrow? We don’t have to go if you don’t want to,” Sirius pleaded. He didn’t want to do anything to hurt him. Anything more, really.

____

“No,” Remus protested. “I want to go. I want to… have a do-over. Make it right.” He leaned in, cupping Sirius’ face. 

____

“I want to celebrate _us._ ” 

____

Sirius croaked, hiding the sobs that wanted to come out of him. 

____

“Have I told you how much I love you today?” Sirius whispered. 

____

Remus smiled. “Yes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love to hear it.”

____

He kissed him.

____

Thursday, June 24, 11:52a.m.

____

“Ginny did say it started at noon, right?” Remus asked, as they walked the streets of London, hand in hand with Sirius.

____

“Yeah, I swear. Oh! I see people!” Harry yelped, pointing to a crowd in front of him.

____

Yeah, rainbow flags, women in biker shorts. Pride Parade, here they came. 

____

“I think I see them. Yeah, there’s Arthur. Wow, look at him!” Sirius bellowed, laughing at an Arthur that was decked out head-to-toe in rainbows. 

____

“I love that man so much,” Remus whisphered, squeezing Sirius’ hand.

____

They met up with Arthur, Ginny, Luna, George, Lee, and Bill. And.. Fred?

____

“Wait, Fred, are you-” Harry asked.

____

“Nope. But, I love Lee, and I love my brother, so. I’m here.”

____

Everyone gushed at that.

____

And then, people started walking, and they rushed to join the crowd, bumping into people as they did. There were floats, there were signs, and most of all, 

____

_There was love._

____

Everywhere Remus looked he saw couples of the same-sex hugging, holding hands, kissing. He felt… so at home. 

____

Everyone was cheering, everyone was _happy._ They didn’t have rights, but they had each other. That seemed like enough for now.

____

To see people so incredibly in love with themselves and their partners was so refreshing, so empowering.

____

Love is a human experience, not a fucking poltical statement. 

____

He loved men. He loved his _boyfriend_. 

____

It wasn’t like he chose this. He didn’t choose to be a gay man in the 90s. He didn’t choose any of his life.

____

He had been apologizing to himself for years. Hiding himself and his feelings. Even on his best days, there was still a little voice in the back of his head, a voice that kept him awake at night. 

____

_You’re faking it, Remus. You’re not really gay. You just like to be different, to break the status quo. How disgusting are you, really?_

____

He was done with that voice. He was done apologizing for who he loved. 

____

_I am who I am, and no goddamn church is going to tell me otherwise._

____

Too much hurt had come from who he was, and he was tired of it. 

____

He had spent too long in shame of who he was, spent too long repenting to a God he didn’t even believe existed. To love was the greatest thing a person could do, and he was done letting his love sit in a confined box, in a box that society deemed acceptable. He was tired of it. Tired of worrying that someone saw him look at Sirius the way he did.

____

There were great risks to this, sure. But isn’t love worth the risk? 

____

His love was not to be defined by a bible verse some prophet wrote 1000 years ago.

____

His love was not someones’ problem to fix. 

____

His love was not a sickness, it wasn’t something to be cured.

____

His love was not a debate.

____

His love shouldn’t need to be fought for. 

____

He was tired of letting the thing that had brought him his one true joy cause him so much hurt.

____

“I FUCKING LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!!” He shouted, holding their hands in the air.

____

Everyone around him cheered, and Sirius looked at him, teary-eyed. 

____

“Kiss him!” A voice yelled. 

____

He did. 

____

~~~~~~~

____

Harry, walking behind them, was beaming. “That’s my Godparents!!!” He screamed, causing them both to grin like children. 

____

“Godparents?” He heard Remus whisper to Sirius. 

____

“They would love it,” Sirius grinned. 

____

“That’s your godparents, you said?” A small, dark-skinned boy said next to him. He was short, but fit, and his brown skin shimmered in the sunlight, sweat illuminating his face.

____

Harry once again glanced at the pair in front of him, with their short-shorts and leather jackets, their matching beat up Doc Martens and their painted nails. 

____

_Their pride._

____

“Yeah, they are.” He said, smiling at the boy.

____

“Bloody lucky,” he just said. “What’s your name?”

____

“Harry,” he said. “Harry Potter.”

____

The boy broke into a grin. “Well, Harry Potter, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Adam.”

____

“Got a last name, Adam?”

____

“Nope. Just Adam.”

____


	8. “You drew stars around my scars.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry has an encounter with Adam, Sirius and Remus have a lake day and they get an alarming letter. 
> 
> PLEASE I LOVE WRITING THESE SUMMARIES THEY’RE SO FUNNY SHSKDJ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! once again...WOW! the love i’m getting on this is incredible. :) 
> 
> CW: brief homophob!c actions
> 
> songs!  
> \- Youth: Glass Animals  
> \- Cardigan: Taylor Swift  
> \- 12: The 1975

_Thursday, June 24, 1995, 3:13p.m._

“I’ve got to say, that was one of the most empowering things I’ve ever been to in my life.” Harry yawned, picking up a chip from the basket in front of them.

Currently Remus, Sirius, Harry, Ginny, Luna, Fred, George, Lee, Arthur and the boy named Adam, were sitting in a restaurant, picking at chips and drinking cokes. Their feet hurt, and their voices hoarse, but they were happy, and the entire restaurant was filled with people decked out in rainbows, various signs scattered on the ground.

Most of all, the restaurant was packed with 

“I’d have to agree with you there, Harry,” Arthur grinned, swirling his straw around in his third coke of the hour. (He’d never had Muggle soda before.) “I’m just glad I got to be here,” he said, bumping Ginny on the shoulder, who was sitting next to him. 

She grinned up at him. “Yeah, thanks Dad.” She leaned into his shoulder, smiling. 

They were a happy little rag-tag group. 

“Thanks for lettin me hang with y’all. There’s something about you guys. Haven’t placed it yet, but there’s somethin special about it,” Adam remarked, smiling at the people around him.

Harry and Adam had got to chatting while in the March, and eventually, Sirius and Remus got in on the conversation, and Sirius had _insisted_ he come and “grab some of those potato things.”

Adam was an interesting kid, and had practically opened up about his entire life to them over the past hours, and there was a _lot_ to unpack. 

He had grown up in Central London, and had attended the “finest boy’s school known to men,” he had said, his voice flamboyant. “Of course, the boy’s school only opened my eyes, you know what I mean. _Shit,_ man. I thought my parents wouldn’t care. Turns out they did. Been living with various people since.”

“What do you mean, various people?” Sirius had asked. Adam had told them this during the march, so Sirius had turned his body around, walking backwards then. 

“I mean, my parents sent me away. Kicked me out, gave me the shoe, made me like a soccer ball and kicked me outta there. Don’t look at me like that, I’m glad I got out of there. They were conformists, they were. I swear, they didn’t just want me to be straight, they wanted me to be _white,_ and they’re both just as black as I am! They went to a white church, I was at a white school, they had white friends. _We’re Black, and we’re beautiful!!_ Too fucking scared of themselves, they were. And then, they had a _gay_ son. Whoo, doggie! I honestly think I’d still be living there if I hadn’t mentioned the fact I didn’t believe in their God, either. Well, I do, technically. Just not the same way they do.” 

Sirius grinned at him. “That’s quite mature of you, kid. I was kicked out of my house when I was 16, too. For different reasons, but, nonetheless, I get it.”

“Us homewreckers gotta stick together, right?”

Sirius laughed, fist-bumping him. “Right.”

Now, they were sitting around the circular table, discussing political theology, catching the interest of the Weasley’s, Lee, and Luna, who hadn’t known much about Muggle politics like the rest of them did. 

“Wait, you’re telling me that women aren’t allowed to do what they want with their body, like… ever?” Ginny asked, her voice full of anger. 

Remus nodded. “Yup. The USA, especially. I think Clinton is their president right now, kinda like how Fudge is for us. I’ve heard he’s pretty chill, and he supports it, technically, but it’s still up to their states to decide. I saw a news headline, actually, that showed anti-abortion protestors in front of the clinics where they happen, it was _horrid_. Bloody disgusting. Just let people do what they want!!”

Sirius rested his head on Remus’ shoulder. “I love you so much,” he said, smiling. 

Remus just kissed his forehead, and looked up. “We ready to go? Honest, I’m quite wiped, and my feet hurt like bollocks.” 

Everyone laughed, nodding their heads in agreement. 

“I think so,” Arthur nodded, looking around at the restaurant for the last time, smiling at the Muggles around him. “Er- Harry! Molly wanted me to extend an invite to come to the Burrow for the weekend, Sirius, Remus, that okay?”

They exchanged glances. “Only if Harry wants to,” Sirius said, looking at Harry, who was nodding frantically. 

“Okay then! Molly said she had clothes for you, which I’m assuming means you’ll wear Ron’s. You mind?”

“Not at all,” Harry laughed. 

“Ginny, Luna, boys, you ready?”

A chorus of nods and “yeps” were thrown into the air, and they all started to walk out, Adam standing up.

“Harry! A word?” He said, smiling. He had a _beautiful_ smile.

Harry looked at Arthur. “We’ll wait,” he said, guiding Luna out the door. 

Harry nodded in thanks, and turned towards Adam, following his steps to the hallway in front of the door. 

“So,” Adam said, putting his hand behind his neck. “Will I get to see you again?”

_Was Adam… hitting on him?_ Harry stammered. “I don’t know- my school, my life. It’s- “ 

_What was he supposed to say?_

“It’s unpredictable.”

Adam sighed. “Oh.”

“No! I don’t mean- er- I don’t know,” he met Adam’s hazel eyes. “I want to see you again.”

It wasn’t a lie. _He really did._

“I have a cell!” Adam exclaimed, beaming. 

“Perfect.” Harry gushed.

Adam ripped a piece off his cardboard sign, which read “JESUS WAS PROBABLY GAY,” and wrote his number down, handing it to Harry with a smile on his face. 

“You’ll be okay?” Harry asked, taking it from him.

Adam looked up confused. “Okay?”

“I mean, like… home-wise? You’re okay?”

He smiled, a look on his face; like no one had ever asked him that before. “Yeah. I’ve been doing it for a while. I expect it’ll only get easier.” 

Harry just smiled, staring at his face, his neck, his chest, his curly hair. 

“Well, they’ll be wanting you back,” Adam said, gesturing to Sirius and Remus, who quickly turned around, acting like they hadn’t been watching the whole exchange, making Harry blush. “Tell them thank you for the meal, and for the conversation. Call me?”

Harry nodded, still smiling. _Just do it, Harry. Just do it._

He leaned forward, Adam stopped him, causing Harry’s heart to panic. Oh my god, had he totally misread the situation? 

He hadn’t. Adam was just being what he’d learn to be Adam. “You’re sure?”

Harry sighed, his heart sinking. “I’m sure.”

He kissed him, his heart going a million miles an hour, going even faster when Adam put his hand on his neck, deepening the kiss.

It felt so _right._

Adam pulled back, still holding Harry’s neck. 

“Call me, okay?” 

Harry couldn’t even speak, he just smiled, watching Adam walk away, his black converse waving the ground, his dark blue nail polish complementing his brown skin. 

Still smiling, he turned the corner to find Sirius and Remus now standing, Remus’ arm on Sirius’ shoulder, his hand laying over it dramatically. Both of them were smirking.

“What?!” Harry said, barely hiding his grin.

They smirked even harder, Sirius walking forward, his boots clicking. “Slugger,” he said, causing Harry to grin so hard it hurt. 

~~~~~~~~~

_Sunday, June 25, 1995._

It was the perfect summer day. Degrees in the eighties, not much humidity, the sky bright blue, puffy clouds in various shapes filtering the sky. 

It reminded Remus of the weather from their camping trip in the summer of 1977. That had to have been the best weekend of his life, he thought.

He pranced down the steps, wearing khaki shorts and a mesh long-sleeve, so it was see-through, but enough to hide the scars.

He still didn’t wear short sleeves. 

“Hey, babe!” Sirius said, coming around the corner, a smile on his face. He had a moustache of coffee on his upper lips. It was… cute. 

“You’ve got…” Remus walked up. 

“What? Oh god, do I have acne again?”

Remus chortled. “No, just…” He leaned forward, kissing him. It got rid of the coffee stain. “All gone.”

Sirius smiled, looking up at his lover with pure adoration. “So, what shall we do today, my dear?”

Remus sighed playfully, picking up an apple. “I don’t know. Any suggestions?” 

“Well… I had a thought. It’s silly, but-”

_“Sirius.”_

“OkayIWasThinkingWeCouldHaveALakeDayCauseIHeardYouSay-” he talked fast, smiling.

“Woah! Slow down, love.” Remus remarked, smirking at his embarrassed nature.

“Sorry. I just know you don’t like swimming that much. But the day is just so perfect and we have a lake _on our property.”_

Remus smiled at him. How could he say no? He had the inability to say no to Sirius, no matter how many times he wanted to.

“Okay,” Remus sang, causing the worried look on Sirius’ face to turn into his signature grin. 

“Yes! Yes! Okay, uh- we’ll need soda, and I know you’ll want snacks, and- how are we going to have music out there? Oh! _Remus, do we have those potato things?!”_

~~~~~~~~~

Sure enough, in an hour, Sirius and Remus were walking to the lake. It wasn’t technically theirs, it wasn’t on their property line, but the nearest house to them was miles down the road, so it was free rein, really. 

Remus had quickly gotten over his dislike for water. He was surprised Sirius could still swim, with Regulus and everything. 

He was with Sirius, and with Sirius, it didn’t matter that he didn’t like this, or dislike that. 

The only thing that mattered was Sirius. 

“Swim first, chat first, eat first?” Remus asked, setting down the 6-pack of Ginger Ale he had brought. 

“Let’s just lay here for a bit. The sun feels so nice, I almost don’t want to ruin it with the water, if that makes sense?”

Remus smiled. “It does.”

He sat himself down, resting his hands behind him, closing his eyes.

Still standing, Sirius smiled at him, watching as he laid down fully, putting his hand over his eyes. His dirty brown curls glimmered in the sun, his whole _body_ seemed to glimmer in the sunlight. He was already tan, even though the sun had only been around for a couple weeks. Sirius, on the other hand, seemed to have the inability to tan. 

Watching him lay there, completely unaware that Sirius was watching him, gave Sirius a whole new sense of love. 

Remus was his. 

HIS!!

He still didn’t understand how he got so lucky, he didn’t deserve the most average man on this planet, he thought, and somehow, by some way of the world, he had been granted the most above average man on this planet. 

Remus Lupin wasn’t even above average. He was the model that he thought every man ever should follow. 

Selfless, brave, ambitious, conscientious, and so loving. 

So perfect.

Sirius Black had never, ever, seen a single flaw in his Moony. They either didn’t exist, or Sirius was just too lovesick to see them. 

He sat down next to him, not laying down yet. 

Remus opened his eyes to the noise, smiling. “Come here,” he said, gesturing his neck to his chest.

Sirius, of course, happily obliged. Hurriedly, he threw off his battered Bowie t-shirt and leaned down. 

“Hang on,” Remus huffed, pulling himself up, his arm muscles flexing as he did, sending Sirius’ stomach into a flurry. 

He leaned up, hesitated, and then pulled off the mesh shirt. 

Sirius about lost his mind. Of course, it’s not like he didn’t see Remus shirtless. They were _together,_ after all. But it was normally in the dark of night, where he couldn’t see all his muscles, all his freckles, all his _beautiful scars._

And Merlin’s Beard, was he really strong. He didn’t know what happened in the 12 years he was gone, but Remus got _strong._

And his scars, they were everywhere. They ran across his chest, his torso, his lower neck, his collarbone.

They were so beautiful.

Remus tossed the shirt at their feet and layed back down, opening his arm for Sirius to snuggle in, but instead Sirius layed down, propping himself up on his elbow and staring at Remus.

Remus lifted his arm, trying to pull him in, but Sirius didn’t budge, he just layed there, smirking.

“What?” Remus grinned, unable to hide his smile when Sirius looked at him like that.

“Nothing. Just you. You’re so beautiful.” 

Remus’ heart fluttered. 

Sirius moved his eyes to his chest, and started tracing Remus’ scars with the grace of a ballet dancer. His touch was so light, but it sent shivers down Remus’ spine.

_“They’re like constellations.”_ He whispered. 

Remus Lupin was a star, and Sirius Black was the light that made him shine. 

Sighing, Sirius Black leaned back, laying his head on Remus’ chest, staring at the sky above him.

“That one looks like a chicken wing,” Sirius said, lifting his hand and pointing to the sky.

Remus laughed, making Sirius’ head bob on his chest. 

He averted his gaze from Sirius, hating to look away, and stared at the sky.

“That one kinda looks like the Sorting Hat,” he grinned, lifting his left hand, and his right hand was busy tracing Sirius’ neck.

Sirius was sent into a fit of giggles, and they laid there, naming clouds for a good ten minutes. 

Eventually, it got boring, and Remus brought up another conversation topic.

“How are you?” He asked. It was a simple question, in wordage. But it meant much more than that.

That question meant “I love you,” and 10x more after that. 

Sirius sighed heavily, and turned his head to Remus’ eyes, not lifting it off his chest. “I think I’m really good.”

Remus got warm inside. “Really?” He asked, desperation in his voice. He hadn’t heard that in a while, and _oh how it made his heart sing_. 

“Really.” Sirius smiled, rolling his head back over, now looking at the sky again. “I- I don’t know what it is, but these past days have been pure bliss. I’ve had my moments, of course. You know that, though. But, Remus, I’m _feeling_ again. At the Pride March yesterday, I- I don’t even have words for that one, really. So much fucking love there, Remus. I felt… I felt so valid. So proud to be who I am. And Harry. _Harry._ He’s everything I hoped he’d be and more. James and Lily would have been so proud of him, Jesus. I feel so incredibly grateful that we get to watch him become something, even if the something he’s becoming is because of the people we hate most, it’s an honor. He’s so strong, it’s crazy.”

Remus was grinning, watching Sirius’ eyes illuminate as he talked about Harry. It was honestly one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen. 

“Yeah, I have a feeling he’s hurting more than he shows, though.”

“Oh, for sure, yeah. But, he’s really good at not letting it affect others, good at lifting others up. You know who that reminds me of?” Sirius was smiling, and turned his head a little, meeting Remus’ eyes, who hadn’t left Sirius, even if he wasn’t looking at him.

“Lily?” 

“No. Well, yes. But no. It reminds me of you.”

“Oh, just come here and kiss me already.” Remus said, already gripping Sirius’ neck, pulling him toward him.

Sirius leaned into him, his right hand slipping around Remus’ waist. Their bodies curved into each other like puzzle pieces, their hands grasping to get closer.

Sirius pulled back, smiling at Remus.

“Swimming now?” 

Remus sighed dramatically. “Ugh, if we _must._ ”

~~~~~~~

After hours later, the sun getting lower in the sky, and the pair headed back for dinner, their bodies glistening with both sweat and water. 

“Oh, it _has_ to be Freddie Mercury,” Sirius yelled, swinging their hands back and forth.

Currently, they were in a debate over which artist had the best outfits on stage. 

“Really? Even over Bowie?”

Sirius gasped. “Oh yeah! Well- I don’t know. Elton John definitely had the craziest.”

“You’re right, you’re right,” Remus resented, smirking at Sirius as they walked back onto the cobblestone porch, opening the doors with flicks of their wrist.

As they walked in, there were two owls in their kitchen. How they got in, they didn’t know, but they were there. Hedwig was one, and she was holding a single letter with Harry’s scraggly handwriting. Confused, Sirius went straight to Hedwig, scratching her head while tearing open the letter.

_“Sirius, what are you going to do?”_ It read. 

“Wait, Remus. Come here, what does this mean?” Sirius turned around, looking for Remus, who had already taken the letter from Ziggy, the owl Remus had gotten him a year ago. Ziggy after Ziggy Stardust, of course.

He was standing over the sink, tearing it open, drinking the rest of his soda. Sirius looked back down at the letter Harry sent him, walking over to Remus slowly. _Could this letter have something to do with the other-_

He was stopped in his tracks, jumping back as the sound of shattered glass spread through the kitchen. 

“Remus! What-” 

Remus’s face was stone white, his eyes wide. 

Sirius hurried over, trying to avoid the glass on the ground, but failing, wincing as glass cut his ankles, but chose to forget about it.

“Remus, what is in that letter?”

Remus was silent, he didn’t even move. He was a statue of fear, the letter in the sink beneath him.

Sirius it up, his eyes skimming it as fast as he could go. “No,” he whispered. “ _No, no, no, no, no, no._ “

The chorus of no’s kept coming as he hung his head down, slumping over the counter, his heart starting to race. 

Remus still hadn’t moved. Sirius didn’t even hear his breaths, he was so still.

In the sink sat the letter, addressed to both Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.

They were just three sentences, 41 words.

_“To the attention of Remus J. Lupin and Sirius O. Black,”_ it read.

_“On the behalf of the Order of the Phoenix, Albus Dumbledore requests your presence on July 1st, 1995.”_

_“Please be at 12 Grimmauld Place at 6:00 p.m. sharp. Instructions on how to enter the building will be sent in sooner days.”_

Sirius didn’t think he was so joyful anymore.


	9. “Lover, Please Stay.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disputes are had, the first Order meeting commences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: HEAVY thoughts. VERY brief homophob!c phrase. 
> 
> wow. guys, i was sobbing the whole time i wrote this chapter, if that tells you anything. 
> 
> i decided to write harry different in this chapter than “canon” harry who wanted to be a part of the Order, wanted to fight, etc. and i think it just makes MORE SENSE, especially for this fic, since he’s with the dogparents, he has a better idea of the harm the original order did, etc. you’ll see, and now i’m crying again. shit. :D
> 
> anyway!!! songs:  
> \- The Night We Met: Lord Huron  
> \- Lover, Please Stay: Nothing but Thieves  
> (and, if you’re anything like me, which you probably are, you’ll need a recovery song)  
> so, - Fine Line: Harry Styles 
> 
> i love you all, happier content WILL come.

_Tuesday, June 27th, 1995. 10:34 a.m._

Harry had been back with Remus and Sirius for approximately 5 minutes, and already he was on the verge of tears.

“You don’t mean to tell me you’re actually _going_ to this thing, right?”

“Harry, we don’t seem to have a choice.”

Remus was leaning on the kitchen island, his head between his arms, his voice heavy. Sirius was behind him, leaning against the counter. His arms were crossed, and he hadn’t spoken a word. Not even a “Hello, Harry.” His eyes were cold and blank, dark rings circling them. 

“I- What- I-” Harry stammered. He, unlike his elders, had been moving across the room in strides for the past minutes, his arms were getting tired from how much they had been flailed from his body. 

_“Harry, just listen to me.”_

Remus’ voice was thick and hoarse, like he had been screaming recently. Or crying. Or both.

“NO! I won’t listen to you, you know why? You’re about to go into the _exact same thing_ that got my parents _killed,_ that took your life away from you,” he gestured to Sirius, his voice starting to shake, his vision blurring. “And took the only person I think you ever really loved away from _you_ , and _ruined thousands of peoples lives and made me the fucking Boy who fucking Lived and killed Neville’s parents and Marlene McKinnon and and really, REALLY, you’re actually planning to go? Do you REALIZE how INSANE that is? All you’re doing is putting yourself in death’s way, in Voldemort’s way. This is a DEATH WISH, Remus.”_

Harry stopped, panting. Remus still hadn’t looked up, still hung his head. He was breathing heavy, like he was holding in sobs.

Sighing, his heart heavy, Harry walked over to the island, putting his palms down. “It’s a death wish,” he repeated.

Sirius finally moved, almost scaring Harry. He just moved his hand to scratch his chin, but there was something in the movement. Something… humorous. 

“You know, I actually told Remus that same thing. Just a few hours ago, actually, I told him the sa-”

_“Sirius.”_ Remus grunted, his head now in his hands, his voice muffled.

“No, really. It’s funny, actually. Maybe you’ll take the advice of Ja- Harry before you even take the advice of your partner. It’s funny. _Real funny._ But no, big strong Remus, trying to fix everyone’s probl-”

“SHUT UP!” Remus screamed, finally standing straight up. His eyes were bloodshot, his face pale, his jaw stern. He looked… terrible. Almost frightening. Sirius jumped back at him, fear shooting through his face.

“Harry, I need you to leave,” Remus practically growled, his back to Harry, his eyes glaring at Sirius.

“No, I-”

_“Leave.”_

Harry didn’t think he had the energy to fight him, and he was honestly scared to. So, he slowly dragged his way to the stairs, almost stopping on them to listen in, but decided he better not, he could already hear their screams, and they were full of so much hurt, Harry didn’t feel comfortable listening. 

Hearing Harry make his way up the stairs, Remus started again, his jaw set, his eyes raving. “What do you think you’re playing at, Sirius? Huh? Really, in front of Harry?”

Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically, reaching for his glass of water. He was playing it cool, but as he picked up the water glass, his hands were shaking like he’d never seen them shake. 

“He can handle it, people fight. It happens.”

“He doesn’t _have_ to handle it. He’s a kid, a _kid._ He’s already handled more than is reasonable, and Jesus; you know more than _anyone_ how traumatic it is to be in a household full of yelling.”

Sirius looked up, his eyes now set, his hand stopped shaking. _“Don’t fucking play that card, Remus.”_

His voice was angry, yes, but it was more hurt than anything. More pleading. It was asking,

_“Please stop yelling.”_

Except, Remus didn’t hear that in his voice, or chose not to hear it, because he kept going.

“It’s not “a card,” he denied, holding his hands up to create air-quotes. “It’s the truth. That’s beside the point, actually. I don’t know why you’re so angry, really.”

Sirius tufted. “You don’t know. _You don’t know._ How can you not tell? Everything Harry said and more. I’ve kept my mouth shut, I haven’t said a word, but this is _insane._ We’re happy here, we’re untouchable. Voldemort won’t come for us. He probably thinks I’m dead, anyway. We could keep Harry here when he’s not at Hogwarts, we could live our _goddamn lives._ Remus, the only time we’ve gotten to have an actual life was when we were children, and up until now, we were getting it back. I’m not ready to lose that. I’m not ready- I’m not ready to lose you.”

Remus exhaled, resting his arms on the island, followed by his head. He just wanted to hug Sirius, to hold him, to promise him. _I would never leave you. Not in a million years._

But he wasn’t done yet.

“Do you think I _want_ to go? Really, answer me.” He jeered, his head still on the table.

“No. I don’t. So that’s why I’m so confused as to _why-_ ”

“Because I finally have the chance to make an impact here, Sirius.” He lifted his head, his voice softer now, but still stern. He met Sirius’ gaze. “As much as we wanted to believe it, we weren’t doing much for the Order back in the First War. My werewolf shit really didn’t… it was busy work. You and James and Peter, well, we know what Peter was doing, but even you two. It was important, and it helped a lot. But it wasn’t really _needed.”_

Sirius felt like he should be defending himself, but didn’t. He knew Remus was right. 

Remus stood up straight now, his right hand on the island, his left covering his eyes, rubbing his forehead. 

“I want to _do_ something. I’m tired of watching this same war ruin more lives. I don’t want to let it ruin Harry’s any more than it already has. If I don’t go, I’m going to beat myself up about it forever, especially if anything more happens to that poor kid.” 

“He’s not a kid. He’s strong, he’s mature. He’s got James-”

_“Harry isn’t James. Stop trying to make him be.”_ Remus corrected through gritted teeth.

_“What the FUCK does that mean?”_ Sirius snapped, his hands shaking at his sides for so many reasons.

He didn’t like seeing Remus mad, it scared him. It reminded him of too many times before he left.

He didn’t like seeing Remus mad because he knew when Remus was mad, he was hurting, and Sirius couldn’t seem to function when he knew Remus was hurting.

Most of all, he didn’t like seeing Remus mad because ninety nine percent of the time, the words coming out of his mouth were the truth. Oftentimes truths Sirius didn’t want to admit to believing. 

Remus just shipped, shutting his mouth into a thin line, his left hand running over his chin. He looked up at Sirius, and about collapsed. 

Sirius was standing there, gripping the counter with his right hand so hard his knuckles were white, and in his left, he was holding his glass of water, shaking so hard the water was starting to spill on the floor. Watching his hand shake, Remus didn’t even see his face. He only saw it as it fell to the floor, along with his body.

Sirius had slid down the cabinets, his knees in front of his face, the water glass spilling next to him. He was shaking like Remus had never seen before, his face was red, tears running down his face.

He was weeping. _Sobbing, screaming, crying._

It hurt Remus to watch as he bundled his knees up into his chest, leaning into the corner where the cabinets met, shaking, his eyes shut, his cries echoing the walls. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. 

_“Sirius.”_ He said, practically leaping towards him, sitting down as close as humanly possible. It wasn’t close enough.

Reaching behind Sirius’ back, he heaved Sirius onto his lap so that he was now in the corner where Sirius just was, and Sirius was curled into his chest, his legs curled to his side over Remus’, his whole body still shaking. He was practically clawing at Remus’ chest as he wept, his cries breaking. 

“You’re safe. You’re safe. _Shh, you’re safe.”_ Remus started to whisper, his left hand rubbing Sirius’ hair, smoothing it down. His own tears had begun to flow, and he bit his lips to hide them. He didn’t want Sirius to start worrying about him.

Sirius Black needed him,

and Remus Lupin would _never_ take that lightly. 

When his Sirius needed him, Remus would _always_ take that jump,

because he trusted that Sirius would catch him if he fell. 

It was 15 minutes until Sirius had calmed down, and Remus was still holding him, still clutching him, his own face wet. 

“I just don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what I’d do if you left me.” Sirius whispered into his chest.

Remus shivered. The weight of those words were so heavy. So warm.

Remus just gripped Sirius’ head against his chest. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” was all he choked out. He didn’t know if he could promise it, but he knew one thing.

He had never meant anything more in his entire life. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Saturday, July 1st, 1995, 6:00p.m._

So it was settled then. 

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black were re-joining the new Order of the Phoenix, on the grounds of one belief and one belief only:

_Protecting Harry._

This meant, under no circumstances, would he be informed of anything that didn’t put him in immediate danger. 

Harry had protested at first, but he understood. He was more than happy to just sit with Ron for hours. As long as he knew he was safe, his friends were safe, and his Godparents were safe, he was okay. Happy, even. 

He was happy now, sitting on a bed, playing Gin with Fred as the Order meeting was… just starting, yeah. He checked the clock, his heart sinking when he realized what time he was. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Second Order of the Phoenix consisted of these members: 

Alastor (Mad-Eye) Moody, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Nymphadora Tonks, Severus Snape, Emmeline Vance, Molly and Arthur Weasley, Bill Weasley, Charlie Weasley, Mundungus Fletcher, Mary Macdonald, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin. 

Greetings were… tense. 

Bill and Charlie greeted Remus and Sirius with smiles and hugs, which gave them both a little comfort. There was no one else here yet they knew and then- 

“Is that… _Dora?”_ Sirius said, his face breaking into a grin, which made Remus relax _immensely._

“Oh my _fuck!_ Sirius!!! _Holy shit your hair is sexy!!!”_

Nymphadora, her hair bright and purple, hugged a beaming Sirius, her own grin breaking out, and she met Remus’ eyes as she was hugging him, and she practically leapt off Sirius instantly as she did. 

“You must be the bloke that settled down this crazy man, I hear.”

Remus laughed. _She was fiery._ Literally. Her hair was now fire-orange, matching the orange pumps she was wearing. 

Yeah, she was definitely a lesbian. 

“That would be me, yeah.” 

And then, behind her. Was that…. it couldn’t be. “Mary Macdonald?”

“Remus Lupin,” Mary glamoured, running forward to hug Remus, his hands curving around her waist. 

“How many years-” he started.

“Too long, love. Too long.” she pulled back, smiling at him. “Is Sirius-” 

She was interrupted by Sirius’ grip, spinning her around. “Come here, you,” he greeted, hugging Mary, his eyes averting to Remus’ as he did.

They were full of worry, full of fear, yes. But they were full of something else too, something new.

Something called hope.

“I thought you had left the Wizarding World,” Remus asked her as she pulled away from Sirius.

“Uh- I had, technically. I still got the invitation, though. I couldn’t say no. Too much went wrong last time without my help that I needed to be here now. If not for anything, for Marlene. For James. For Lils. For-” she sighed. “For everyone.”

Remus and Sirius just nodded solemnly in agreement, a voice breaking their moment.  
“Would everyone please take their seats? We shall be commencing here in a few short seconds. Or minutes. We’ll have to see.” 

Albus Dumbledore’s voice rang through the dining room, _Sirius’ dining room._

Remus grabbed Sirius' hand, squeezing it, before they took their seats. Snape took to sitting as far away from them as he could. 

And, the revival of the Order of the Phoenix was officially in place.

~~~~~~~~~

About an hour later, it hadn’t gotten easier. 

_“You mean to tell me Harry has no idea about the prophecy?”_

_“What do you mean, You-Know-Who isn’t only in himself?”_

_“Wait, wait. We’re still sending them to Hogwarts? Is it safe?”_

Currently, they had landed on the topic of Harry, specifically. 

“Sirius, Harry is currently with you, right? At your home in East Sussex?” Kingsley had asked.

“He is with us, that’s correct.” He looked at Remus’ giving him a quick “You okay?” look before turning back once Remus had nodded. 

“Oh. Right, yeah. We’re going to have to ask you to… er. There’s no other way to phrase this. You can’t stay there. For the rest of the summer, is all we’re asking. Just until mid-August when Hogwarts starts, so roughly two months. Your home is just too accessible, too easy to get to. It’s an inconvenience, we know. But at least you know the place, right?”

Sirius Black was unable to answer. Living in his old house, the house where he was beaten, tortured and ridiculed everyday, it was out of the question, it was not going to happen.

It had to happen.

Remus, squeezing Sirius’ hand under the table, answered for him. “Right. That makes sense. We understand.”

“Wasn’t aware they both would be-” Snape started. 

“Oh, shut your trap, Severus. No one is 100 percent straight, anyway,” Tonks had cut in, her eyes quickly changing to black, then back to their natural grey. 

Snape just tutted, and leaned back into his chair, his face growing red. 

Sirius smiled, softly. She really was Andromeda’s kid. 

“Anyway, that was our last point to cover. Molly has offered to cook dinner for those who want to stay, otherwise, goodnight, and I will see you all whenever Dumbledore decides. You’ll get a letter soon.” Kingsley smiled, shutting his notebook. 

Dumbledore had left about halfway through the meeting. “Business,” was all he said, before apparating.

Only a few people stayed, Sirius and Remus not being those who did. They were given permission to go back quickly, pack their trunks, and then hurry back to 12 Grimmauld Place.

Oh, did they forget to mention they weren’t allowed to leave, either? Yeah, they couldn’t leave the house. If they needed something, they’d let an Order member know, and it’d be delivered whenever the next meeting was. 

So, they apparated back, Harry with Remus, and silently packed their own trunks. 

“Do we have a telephone?” Harry asked Remus, popping his head into their room. 

“Yeah, there’s one under the sink in the kitchen. Why-” 

He didn’t get to hear an answer, Harry had already lept down the stairs.

If he had a telephone, he could call Adam.

Back in their room, Sirius was sitting on their bed, swinging his legs absentmindedly, his face blank.

“Pretty heavy stuff today, huh?” Remus questioned, stuffing another sweater into the square case.

“Yeah. It was a lot.” Sirius said, his voice thin. 

Remus turned around, setting down his trunk. He walked over to Sirius, leaning down. 

He looked at him in the eyes, his beautiful blue eyes, and put his forehead to his. 

“We’re going to get through this,” he spoke. “We’re gonna be okay.” 

Sirius kissed him so hard Remus thought his lips might bruise.


	10. 10: “All your friends, in one place.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Full moon! Harry’s 15th birthday! An offer!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! 
> 
> CW: brief mentions of childhood ab!se
> 
> okay i need you to bear with me here because i’m totally going off canon in this chapter but like SCREW IT YKNOW?! it’s gonna be good, i swear. this chapter is a lot of dialogue, not a lot of deep fantastical writing. but ... that’s okay:D
> 
> songs!  
> \- The Crystal Ship: The Doors  
> \- I Wanna Boi: PWR BTTM  
> \- The Birthday Party: The 1975

_Wednesday, July 12, 1995. 9:29 a.m._

“Are we really out of tea again?” Harry dragged, his voice sleepy. 

“I’ll add it to the list,” Sirius sighed, grabbing a quill and writing “tea” on the notepad in his perfect curly handwriting. 

“And cigarettes,” Remus practically moaned, his head down on the kitchen table, his second cigarette of the morning sizzling in the ashtray.

Sirius didn’t like how much Remus had been smoking lately, he was worried it might lead him back into _other_ old habits, but today was a full moon, so he didn’t push it.

Today was the first full moon they had spent with Harry, and _luckily,_ they had gotten permission to apparate to the forest outside Hogwarts for the evening. Molly was coming to the house, accompanied by Mad-Eye, so Harry wasn’t alone. 

The last couple weeks had been... boring, to say the least. They had played their way through every card game known to man, covered just about every topic ranging from religion to types of notebooks. They’d come to the conclusion that Harry was definitely an atheist and Sirius’ favorite kind of notebook were leather-backed ones. 

They had discovered that after a while, Ginger Ale actually _does_ get old, and they had now moved on to Coca-Cola, a suggestion of Remus’. 

But mostly, it’d just been a lot of sitting around, a lot of moping. There had been three order meetings since the 1st, and each one was bleeker than the last. Voldemort was gaining power, and quick, Death-Eaters were showing up all over the country, Muggles were getting killed, Harry was still in immense danger. 

Sirius had taken the brunt of it all, though. Not only was he holed up, unable to leave, unable to _live,_ he was holed up in the one place he vowed not to ever step into again.

In the last 11 days, he had a total of 5 panic attacks, multiple breakdowns, and he seemed to always be snapping at Harry, Remus, the Order, and especially Kreacher. 

Remus' arms, he assumed, were starting to naturally mold into the shape of Sirius’ body, as he had spent all those breakdowns, all those panic attacks, just holding him while Sirius shook in his arms.

It’d be the littlest thing, too. A random floorboard that still had blood stains from when his parents would hit him. A spot on the wall that had a mark on it from attempted curses. Most of all,

what hurt the most,

were the places that held memories of him and Regulus.

Their old room, their old bed frames, their old blankets they used to hide under at night, talking about outer space and the ocean. 

“I could’ve done something, I could’ve taken him with me. I could’ve gone back for him. He wasn’t bad, Remus, I swear. He was forced, he didn’t want to, he just, he just…” Sirius croaked into Remus’ chest one night. He wasn’t even crying, he didn’t think he could cry about Regulus any more, there weren’t any more tears left in him for his little brother. It was just a void now, a void he hated revisiting, but was forced to in the nature of the house. 

“Sirius. You did everything right. There was nothing you could’ve done,” Remus had comforted, rubbing circles on his upper back and he curled into him.

Sirius had just grunted, digging his head further into Remus’ shoulder.

“You ever tried a cigarette, Harry?” Remus asked, his voice humorous, but mostly tired, void of emotion. His bones were creaky, his emotions were fluttering, and he just wanted _meat._

Harry stammered, looking at Sirius. “No?”

“You wanna _try_ a cigarette?” Remus grumbled, lazily holding out an unlit one.

“Remus, should we really?” Sirius asked, his voice gentle.

Remus rolled his head dramatically toward Sirius, and threw forward his hand. “You, hush. You,” he grunted, moving his arm toward Harry.

If it hadn’t been the circumstances, Remus’ full moon attitude would have actually been quite humorous. 

Sighing, Sirius leaned against the wall.

Harry slowly walked over, his eyes full of shame yet also excitement.

Remus was about to light it, using the same trick Sirius had taught him back in Hogwarts, but stopped, his face going stern, like his attitude and humorous antics were gone. “You don’t have to try it if you don’t-”

Harry stopped him. “No, I do,” he was smiling, slightly.

Remus smirked. “Okay.” He lit it, and took a long drag himself, over-exaggerating his actions to demonstrate to Harry. He breathed in, holding it in the back of his throat before blowing out the smoke, pursing his lips so it would go behind him, not in Harry’s face. “You got it?”

Harry nodded, grabbing the smoking cigarette. 

Sirius met Remus’ eyes, catching the note of mischief in them. He smirked lazily, just watching. 

Harry put the cigarette to his lips, and sucked in, feeling the smoke fill his mouth, his throat. He tried to hold it in, but he doubled over, hacking, handing it back to Remus, who just leaned back, watching him cough.

It had to happen.

“So?” Remus asked, blowing out another puff of smoke, once Harry had stopped coughing.

“Try again?” Harry smirked, his voice hoarse.

Sirius snickered. “Not before I get in on this,” he remarked as he walked over, leaning over the table and taking a drag. 

“Watch this,” he said, still holding the smoke in his throat. He blew out a perfect circle of smoke.

“Show-off,” Remus joked. 

“Pushover,” Sirius smiled, looking down at Remus, who had thinned his eyes playfully.

“Okay, stop making eyes at each other. I want to try again!” Harry whined. 

Everyone was sent into a fit of giggles.

~~~~~~~

The full moon went normally, the wolf and it’s dog running through the woods, chasing rabbits, wrestling in the moonlight.

Sirius, still in dog form, was curled up, waiting for Remus’ transformation back to himself to be over. He always thought this was worse than his transforming _into_ the wolf, because the hurt was so much more visible, the dread on his face broke Sirius every time.

_“Ugh,”_ Remus groaned, back to himself, rolling onto his back. He hadn’t gotten cuts or scratches or bites, more than the usual scratches from the two dogs playing, but his bones hurt, his body ached, and he was _so tired._

Sirius quickly transformed back to himself, and he crawled over to Remus, laying on his back next to him. He grabbed Remus’ hand, squeezing it.

“You did really good,” he whispered, simultaneously apparating them both back to 12 Grimmuald Place, right to “their” bedroom. Remus silently climbed onto the bed, not even pulling up the covers. 

“You need to get dressed, baby.”

“Mm,” Remus groaned, using wandless magic to bring a sweater and pair of cargo sweatpants to his hand, stopping. “Can you…” His voice was sad, “don’t pity me,” was what he was asking.

“Yes, yeah,” Sirius muttered, walking over hastily, sitting Remus up with his hands, giving him a soft kiss before he pulled the sweater over his head, coaxing Remus’ arms through. He squatted down, pulling the sweatpants over Remus’ ankles. “Sit up,” he coaxed, quickly pulling the sweatpants all the way up to his protruding hip bones, careful to not touch a certain scratch he had gotten, as it was still red.

“Thank you,” Remus spoke, laying himself back down, his arms grabbing the nearest pillow, and he moved it under his head.

Sirius thought he had already fallen asleep, and started to make his way out of the room. 

“Come here,” Remus quietly spoke. “Please.”

_Of course,_ he thought. _Of course I will._

Smiling, Sirius clambered onto the bed, wrapping his right hand over Remus’ waist, and he rested his head in between Remus’ upper back and the pillow, and closed his eyes.

He was still so scared of losing him, so scared of his Moony suddenly being taken from him, of him being alone, of… 

He felt a tear drop from his eye, and he squeezed Remus tighter. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Sirius,” Remus muttered, his voice tired, but so full of love Sirius physically moaned. 

Moody burst through the door, holding out his wand in ready to ask them the “are you who you are” questions, but stopped short in his tracks, seeing the two curled into each other, Sirius’ eyes open and wet, Remus’ closed, his breathing heavy. 

Sirius lifted his head. “Oh, hang on, sor-”

“No,” Moody stopped, lowering his wand. “I can tell you’re you.”

He walked out, shutting the door lightly. 

Sighing, Sirius put his head back down, giving Remus one last squeeze before falling into a deep sleep, dreaming of Regulus, dreaming of Harry, dreaming of Remus, 

dreaming of James.

~~~~~~

_Monday, July 31st, 1995. 12:00 a.m._

“Shh! He’s going to hear you!” Sirius whispered, stepping over the floorboard he remembered to be creaky from the nights he would sneak out of him and Reggie’s room to watch the stars out the window. 

“That’s kinda the point, Sirius,” Remus whispered, his mind on the task at hand.

Today, July 31st, was Harry’s 15th birthday. 

Remus and Sirius decided they would do exactly what they used to do to each other as kids, wake them up at 12:00 a.m., and celebrate.

“You ready?” Sirius asked, his face breaking into a grin, which Remus could clearly see in the dark. 

Remus nodded. “3…2….1…” 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HARRY!!!!” 

Harry, now wide awake, sprang up from his bed in a panic. “Who’s there?!” He yelled, he couldn’t tell. He saw two figures and… sparklers?

Sirius laughed. “It’s us, Harry. Geez, your vision is worse than James’.” 

Grinning, Harry pushed on his glasses, seeing the two cheeky adults in front of him, and letters floating in the air. Some charm, he expected. The letters were blazing like fireworks, the edges buzzing. 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAIRY,” they spelled, sending him into a fit of giggles.

“You like it?” Sirius asked, a childlike play in his voice. 

“Yeah, of course I do. But, you spelled Harry wrong, guys.”

“No we did not-” Remus started, his eyes reading the letters backwards. “Oh. Yeah we did.” 

“This was the first time we used this charm, Harry, we-” Sirius blathered. 

“Stop. It’s funny, really. Thank you guys. Now, I expect you two have some things planned, am I right?”

Sirius and Remus met each other’s eyes, smiling. “Yeah. We’ll give you some time to wake up, grab coffee. We remember what it was like being a teenager,” Remus tutted, turning on his heel playfully and jaunting out the room, Sirius following close behind. 

Harry pulled himself out of bed, stretching, as the door closed behind them. Smiling, he walked to the window, staring at the stars.

“Hi Dad,” he whispered, his voice small. “Hi Mom.” He leaned his head against the window, feeling the cold of night against it. “I miss you.” His voice was so small, so weak, so hurt.

“You made really good friend choices,” he smiled, a little laugh escaping his throat. “I just wish you could be here with us. Be here with me.”

He sighed, closing his eyes, breathing heavily. He didn’t understand family, but he thought he was getting there. 

He heard Sirius’ laugh from outside his door, and he smiled again. 

He was really starting to understand what love meant too. 

In the hallway, Sirius was leaning against the wall, laughing at what Remus had just said.

“Remember when James got so drunk _Lily_ had to save him from the “depths of the Gryffindor common room?”’

“Yeah,” Sirius laughed, smiling. “Hah! Remember something else?”

“What?” Remus asked, his head against the wall, his eyes closed, but his smile wide. He peeked open his eyes to meet Sirius’, that sparkle there again. 

“Happy Birthday Remu,” Sirius beamed. 

Remus shoved him. 

~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the day was spent in joy, something they didn’t seem to get often. 

They had a “morning” breakfast at 12:30a.m, laying on blankets under the large skylight in the upstairs hallway, they had played about 10 rounds of Snap in the fire, had listened through _Nevermind_ multiple times on the portable record player Remus brought. 

“I miss him,” Harry had said, halfway through their third lesson.

“Who?” Remus asked, twirling a ring around on his finger. 

“Kurt Cobain.”

“He’s dead?” Remus stopped, looking up.

_“HE’S DEAD?!”_ Sirius screeched from the kitchen, where he was getting a glass of water. 

Sirius was a bit emotional for the next hour.

~~~~~~

It was now about 3pm, and all of them were tired, and there was now an unexpected Order meeting called tonight, so both Remus and Sirius decided a nap was in order. 

“I think I’m just going to hang down here. The fire’s nice,” Harry assured, sending the pair up to their bedroom.

Once he heard their door shut, Harry practically sprung out of his seat, and he ran into the kitchen, pulling out the little piece of cardboard from his pocket.

He dialed the number, and it was picked up on the second ring.

“Hi, Adam,” Harry grinned, his face getting warm.

“Hey, love. Happy birthday!” Adam’s voice rang through the phone, sending chills down his spine. 

Harry leaned onto the counter, holding the phone in his left hand, his right hand playing with an apple he had no intention of eating. “How are you?” He asked, his face already hurting from the giant grin that was on it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

_6:30p.m._

Sirius yawned, leaning backwards into Remus’ chair, who put his arm around him, squeezing Sirius’ shoulder.

They didn’t know what this meeting had been called for. It had been half an hour, and nothing new had even been _mentioned._ Voldemort was still on the move, _no they didn’t know where,_ Harry was still in danger, blah blah blah. Even Remus was starting to zone out, and he normally had a good attention span.

“Anything I can do?” Remus asked, his voice monotone. He always asked this, and always got the same answer. _Nope. Just stay._

Not this time. 

“Yes, actually. That brings me to my next point,” Moody said, his voice angry. Granted, his voice was always angry, so it didn’t alarm anyone.

“As you can tell, Dumbledore isn’t here, he wasn’t at the last meeting either. He’s been extremely busy, and from what we’ve heard, he’s making great strides with the work he’s doing.”

Remus nodded, his attention now back. _What did this have to do with him?_

“Alas, he does not think he’ll be able to return to his position at Hogwarts this year ats Headmaster. “Long enough,” he said, referring to his time at Hogwarts. And Remus, he’s asked you to fill his place. And before you ask, I don’t know for how long. I asked, trust me. He said “Debatable.” So.”

Sirius had sat straight up, his eyes wide in confusion, his hand gripping Remus’ under the table.

“He wants me to do _what?”_ Remus gaped, the table silent, staring at him. He could practically feel Snape’s glare on the back of his head.

“Be headmaster of Hogwarts, need I be any clearer? Oh, Sirius. He has a job for you too. Minerva McGonagall recommended you for this, actually. Said she’d love the help of a co-teacher for Transfiguration this year.”

Remus and Sirius were silent. Dropping Sirius’ hand, Remus leaned back, half-laughing, his hand starting to rub his chin. Sirius’ leg was shaking, he could see it, and Sirius’ hand was scrambling for his, instantly craving his touch back.

_“Well?”_ Snape asked, his voice nasally and quite angered. 

Sirius looked up from where his eyes were on his feet. “Will this help Harry?”

Moody sighed, folding his hands. “Yes. It would be a great help if you two were there, actually. Might help calm his nerves.”

Sirius sighed, turning back towards Remus, whose eyes were fixated on the back of his eyes.

Silently, he asked Remus for confirmation. Remus didn’t even move, his eyes just softened, but Sirius knew exactly what it meant. 

He turned back around, looking at Moody with a new face of determination. 

“We’ll do it.”


	11. “When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Headmaster Lupin and Professor Black.
> 
> Your new gay dads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i figured y’all deserved a happy chapter. :)
> 
> bear with me, i promise promise promise you’ll see more of adam soon. AAH YALL i have so much planned. so. much. eee!!!
> 
> songs:  
> \- Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright: Bob Dylan  
> \- Ends of the Earth- Lord Huron  
> \- Dreams: Fleetwood Mac

_Monday, August 21st, 1995. 4:00p.m._

The train rumbled, shaking it’s members lightly as it took off, the cheers and goodbyes from outside getting quieter, the moment sinking in.

Sirius, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting in a cabin on the Hogwarts Express, Crookshanks curled in Sirius’ lap, who was in conversation with her about the house-elf debate. He wanted to make sure if house-elves were freed, Kreacher wouldn’t count.

Harry and Ron were face deep into the trolley candy, Ron’s lips brown from the numerous amounts of frogs he had just consumed. _Chocolate frogs,_ of course.

“You know, the Marauders were founded on this train. Not officially, but I like to think it was where it all started,” Sirius suddenly said, getting the attention of everyone in the cabin. He pulled his knees up, hugging them, his face grinning.

Not only was Harry interested in his parents and their best friends, _everyone_ seemed to be. It seemed “The Marauders” had become a bit of a legend recently.

Sirius explained the story of the first day in the cabin, little angsty Remus, a beaming James, already talking about Quidditch, a quiet, but excited Peter, and a bold little Sirius. The Marauders in their purest form. 

“So, you think if your parents had told you to talk to the Potters, you would’ve ended up being friends with him?” Hermione asked, her mouth full of candy. 

She couldn’t help herself.

Sirius sighed. He had wondered that himself, actually, many times. 

“You know, I have an interesting theory on that. I was supposed to be in Slytherin, right?” He made air quotes, his voice playful. “And that day, I was _brave,_ I defied my family by talking to James. And then, he was _really bloody awesome,_ that I think a part of my subconscious wanted to be in Gryffindor, and the hat… can he hear? I don’t know, the hat understood that, I guess, and put me in Gryffindor. Best thing anyone’s ever said to me. “Gryffindor!”” Sirius sighed, a happy sigh. “Imagine what would’ve been if I-”

He stopped.

Nope. Not today. Not today, not today.

He shook his head, his curls falling in his eyes. Breathing heavy, he pushed his hair back, putting on a smile. 

_He was going back to Hogwarts._

Crookshanks hopped back up onto his lap, and he pet her, letting his eyes loll shut. 

He wasn’t tired, just… content.

And for a moment there, he let himself imagine his first year at Hogwarts, James in the corner raving about the Irish, Peter chiming in with little beeps and blurbs, Remus asking so many questions, and him, Sirius Black, looking at the three people that were around him that day and thinking, “This is what I’ve been missing.”

~~~~~

Before he knew it, after what felt like just minutes of conversation, of laughs, of smiles, they were _here._

“We’ve got to go this way,” Ron explained. “See ya at dinner!” The trio waved to Sirius, turning around and walking towards the carriages, which were pulled with an odd looking creature, but no one seemed to be questioning it. 

He didn’t remember the carriages being pulled by anything before.

Shrugging it off, he turned, apprating into the castle, thinking of Professor McGonagall’s classroom.

Apparently, his entire life had been a lie, and you could actually apparate into Hogwarts, if you were “staff.” 

Remus had about lost it when he got the letter a few weeks ago telling him that. “You’re telling me, if we were to just… write our names down in the staff book, we could’ve… _We missed out on the greatest goddamn prank we could have ever pulled,”_ he had said, grinning at Sirius.

Over the last few weeks, Remus had actually started to lean into the idea of being the _Headmaster of Hogwarts._

Sirius still couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe that _he_ was now a Professor. Sirius “the procrastinator” Black, _a professor?_ And under McGonagall? He was scared, actually. Not of teaching, no. He liked kids, and he was good at Transfiguration. 

He was scared of McGonagall! Her shrill voice still rang in his ears. “You _four._ ” 

It kinda made him smile, though. 

Remus had taken to thinking wide. _“OhmygodSiriuswhatifwehadaPrideatHogwarts”_ he had literally belted, shaking Sirius awake at 2am a few days ago.

“That’s great, love,” Sirius mumbled, not even registering what he had said, but woke up the next morning with a, “YES! I love that idea!”

He was thinking of ways to include everyone, had insisted a “Wizard History 101 Class” be added to the curriculum, had made sure the cafeteria assisted every diet, every allergy, insisted that records be added to the library, and his personal favorite, he had hired therapists, _yes they exist as Wizards too,_ for the school, accessible to students, whenever they needed. 

And currently, he was re-reading the speech he had curated for the feast, his hands sweating, his brow furrowed. He was thinking of Sirius, _Siriussiriussiriussirius._ Where was he, anyway? Remus had to be at the school earlier than Sirius needed to be, and Sirius wanted to ride the train, so. 

Actually, Sirius was a minute deep into quite possibly the most passion filled hug he had ever been given.

_With Minerva McGonagall._

He had apparated to her room with ease, smiling as his feet hit the familiar wooden floorboards, and his eyes instantly took to staring around the room, the frailed posters on the walls, the single blackboard at the front of the room, the stiff wooden desks with the chairs he hated so much, and he was filled with a great sense of nostalgia, a great sense of childlike joy. 

“Sirius Black,” a familiar voice rang. He turned his body eagerly, greeted with a sight he had rarely ever seen.

A beaming Minerva McGonagall. 

She hadn’t changed. Her face was a bit older, you could tell she had borne a lot recently, but she was still the same. Same robes, same hat, same tight hair in a bun. 

_“Professor,”_ Sirius said, walking over, holding out his hand to shake hers. 

“Call me Minerva, please,” she smiled at him, her eyes filled with an odd emotion, one Sirius only saw in Remus’ eyes when he was looked at. Her eyes were filled with pride. 

For _him._

“That might take some getting used to,” he laughed, unable to meet her eyes. He didn’t like people admiring him, it made him feel an emotion he wasn’t used to feeling, and he wasn’t the biggest fan of unexpected change, anyway.

“Sirius, I must ask you one thing,” Minerva said, her voice sharp. 

“Anything you please,” Sirius said, meeting her gaze again, gesturing his hand to his side. 

“Can I please give you a hug?” 

“I-” He didn’t even get to finish, before he was pushed into by her frail body, but her arms held him so tight, so firm.

Her touch was like a mother’s.

He hugged her back, his eyes watering. They stood like that for a while. 

She pulled back, her own eyes glistening. 

“I never believed them, you know,” she said, still holding Sirius’ shoulders.

“Them?” Sirius knew exactly what she meant, but wanted to hear her say it. He wanted the affirmation.

“The Ministry. I never believed you were guilty, Sirius. I always knew, deep down, that I wasn’t wrong about you.”

Sirius would have melted right there if he had the chance. 

He looked down, his face going red. “That means a lot, really,” he mumbled, his hands fidgeting. 

“Now, get your damn robes on. We’re going to miss your boyfriend’s speech,” she tutted, walking briskly past him and through the doors.

_Did Minverva McGonagall just say damn?!_

_Wait._

_Did she just say…. my boyfriend?_

Laughing to himself, Sirius opened his trunk, and pulled out Remus’ old professor robes. 

“Let me just get you new ones,” Remus had protested. 

_“No,”_ Sirius rebbuted. “I want them. I want to embody the spirit of Moony,” he had joked, holding them behind his back, hiding them from Remus’ grasp. Remus had just laughed and kissed his forehead. “You’re crazy.”

He slipped them on, realizing how _big_ they were. He performed a quick shrinking spell so they fit his 5’7 height perfectly. He smelled them, just to check the charm didn’t get rid of Remus’ scent: smoke, old books, and wood, with a tad bit of vanilla. 

He smiled, cracked his knuckles, and walked out the doors, down the familiar staircases, memories popping into his head everywhere he turned. There’s where he had kissed Remus, secretly, pressed against the wall,

there’s where James had once tripped over his robes trying to impress Lily. 

And for once, those memoires weren’t sad, or even bittersweet.

They were just memories, and they made Sirius Black _smile._

Eager, he bounded down the grand staircase, and then… _the smell._

Grinning, he entered through the side doors, his eyes widening as he walked into the Great Hall for the first time in over 10 years. There were kids lining the tables, each and every one with a smile on their face and light in their eyes. 

That same sense of nostalgia filled him again, and he walked over to the two Professor tables, feeling bubbly. 

He took a seat between Hagrid and Minvera, Hagrid almost pushing him off the seat as he clapped him on the back, causing Sirius to fall into a fit of giggles.

Minerva leaned over to him, her voice small. “You look happy,” she whispered. 

Blushing, Sirius turned his head, his curls falling into his eyes as he looked at her. “I am.”

And it’s true, Sirius Black was happy. Not even happy, really. He felt _real_ for the first time in a long time.

He was sitting in the place that caused him both the most joy and the most pain, and for years, he was only able to look at the pain, to focus on it.

Every memory at Hogwarts had been tarnished with what had happened afterwards. There was no single memory at Hogwarts that wasn’t blinded by the past, wasn’t bitter, didn’t fill Sirius with the same pit feeling he had felt on October 31, 1981. 

But now, he had the chance to make new ones. New memories that were nothing but real.

He caught Harry’s eyes across the hall, and eagerly, Harry waved at him, causing everyone around him to do the same, which made Sirius’ heart flutter. He really did like kids. 

Hagrid had interrupted his thoughts, but he didn’t care, nothing could ruin his joy at this moment.

In fact, he didn’t even notice that a hush fell over the room until he started to wonder whether Hagrid had started yelling or- 

“Oh! My bad!” Hagrid blushed, his eyes averting past Sirius’ head. 

_Remus,_ Sirius thought. 

Like a puppy looking for it’s owner, Sirius eagerly spun around in his chair, his Doc Martens almost stopping him as they caught on the stool. 

And there he was, little old Headmaster Lupin. 

He was wearing his brand-new red Doc Martens, a gift from Sirius, his favorite pair of black corduroys, a gray sweater he thrifted early in the summer, his nails had recently been painted black, a very giddy Sirius had offered to do so, and all over this, his brand new robes, this time, _Headmaster style._

The little detail that made Sirius just about lose it was the little rainbow pin that was on his robes, right above his heart. 

Remus met his eyes, raising his eyebrows and smiling. 

“I love you,” Sirius mouthed, unable to hide his grin.

Remus dramatically blew him a kiss, in front of everyone, too.

_So,_ Sirius thought, _he’s happy._

And he was, he really was. Remus had already been back to Hogwarts in recent years too, obviously, but his mind had been going through the same thought process Sirius had; he had the chance to do it right again. He had the chance to make a difference in these kids' lives, and he couldn’t have been more excited to do so.

He was so excited to do what no one had offered him when he was young.

He was offering safety and validation. 

Breathing heavy, he walked over to the podium centered atop the small staircase, and he looked up, seeing that every single student was looking his way. He saw students he had taught before, and students he hadn’t. He saw a beaming Harry, Ron and Hermione, a pair of two redheads who were silently screaming, their hands waving in the air, a red-faced, embarrassed Ginny hiding her head, laughing at them. 

He saw a future in these kids, in himself.

“Welcome,” he started, his voice bellowing and deep. “To the 1995 school year here at Hogwarts. Now, some of you know me, some of you are probably thinking “Who’s this tosser up here in the Doc Martens?”” 

That caused giggles. 

“I’m Remus Lupin, your new headmaster. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Albus Dumbledore has stepped down from his position to put his time and effort into fighting the dark forces in our world today, and for that, I think we should all be eternally grateful.”

He could practically feel Sirius grimace behind him. 

“You can call me Remus, Mr. Lupin, Professor Lupin, Headmaster, whatever you feel most comfortable with. Or,” he smiled down at his hands. “You can call me by my likely more _well-known_ name, Moony.”

Cheers erupted in the Hall, mostly led by Fred and George, along with mutters. “He’s Moony?”

Yeah, the Marauders were a bit of a legend. 

“But this night isn’t about me,” he started again, still smiling, his voice proud. “It’s about you.” 

He gestured out to the crowd. “You, the students, the children, the people! This school is for you, and most of all, this school is for _everyone._ Please refer to any of your Professors if you ever feel any different, because I have only one thing to make clear. You are safe here. Not just from Dark Magic and dementors and all that sad stuff. I mean that you are safe to be who you are here. You’re safe to love whomever you love, be friends with those you choose, and express your opinions on any matter, at any time, with certainty that you’re safe to do so.”

Most of the crowd was smiling, even a few Slytherins.

“Alas, I know if I keep talking, I might never stop. Let’s get on with the Sorting Ceremony, shall we? And then, let’s eat!” He nodded his head, to allude that he was done, and stepped back, but quickly stepped back, causing another hush to fall over the room. “Oh, when the feast is ready, don’t forget to eat the chocolate cake. It’s really good.”

Everyone laughed.

_They liked him._

Smiling to himself, Remus made his way to the seat at the middle that was designated for him, but was stopped by Minerva McGonagall. 

“Go,” she smiled, nodding her head towards an eager Sirius. 

Remus gave her a look of thankfulness, and practically ran to Sirius, smiling at his look in his shabby old robes. 

He sat down next to him, Sirius smiling at him. They didn’t even talk, just smiled at each other, feeling the same emotions of hope, of joy, of new beginnings. 

Eventually, Sirius leaned in, whsphering. “You did really good.”

Remus wanted to kiss him, so badly. He didn’t think it was safe, though. Not yet. Not on the first day. 

“Thank you,” Remus nodded, his voice playful. He leaned back in his chair, picking up the goblet, drinking it. Wine. 

He shrugged. He deserved it, anyway. 

“I thought so, too.”

Sirius smiled at him, happy that Remus was proud of himself for once. “I like that,” he said, pointing to Remus’ rainbow pin. 

Remus blushed, reaching into his pocket. “I got one for you too.”

Eagerly, Sirius grabbed the pin, almost pricking himself in the process, and he put it right above his heart so he was matching Remus.

“Oh! I gotta tell you something!” He screeched, leaning forward, Remus doing the same.

“McGonagall _hugged_ me today.”

Remus laughed, holding in his wine. _“She did what?!”_

~~~~~~~~~

_Tuesday, September 19th, 1995, 7:32p.m._

Remus was sitting in his office, going through some documents he needed to sign, Queen’s _“A Night at the Opera”_ album playing quietly in the background. 

_“Is this just fantasy,”_ he quietly sang, not noticing Sirius had even entered the room. 

_“Mamaaaa,”_

Sirius couldn't hold it in anymore, and doubled over in laughter, scaring the bollocks off Remus.

“Jesus,” Remus stammered, holding his heart. 

Sirius giggled, walking over to him, leaning over his desk so he was above him.

“How was your day?” He asked, his voice puppy-like.

The papers would have to wait. 

Setting aside the papers, Remus stood, kissing Sirius softly. “Good,” he whispered, not leaning away from Sirius’ face. He kissed him again. “How was yours?”

Sirius smiled to himself. “Amazing, just like yesterday, and just like the day before, and just like... just like all the days.”

Remus beamed. Sirius was _really_ enjoying his new position. He loved the kids, loved the teaching, loved the subject, and most of all, he loved being back at Hogwarts.

Remus felt the same way, except for the fact that his duties weren’t always as fun, he was enjoying himself immensely, and had heard the same from many students who had already offered their compliments to him. 

“Tell me something about your day, something good,” Remus teased, walking over to Sirius’ side, who was no leaning against his big wooden desk, and he laid his head on Sirius’ shoulder, smiling.

Sirius leaned his head against Remus’, and Remus could feel his grin break against his jaw as he thought about it.

“Oi! Neville Longbottom, remember him?”

Remus nodded against his shoulder. 

“He was trying to turn the rat into a mug, right? This wasn’t for class, they’re well past that, but he was just messing around, and the mug,” Sirius laughed at the memory. “It still had it’s legs, and it took off across the classroom, this mug/rat thing, and it ran right in front of Ron Weasley,” he started to laugh again. “I’ve never seen a kid more scared in my entire life.” 

Remus laughed, standing up and turning in front of Sirius, kind of straddling him.

He leaned down, and kissed him softly, but passionately. 

“I’m so happy you’re happy,” he whispered. 

Sirius smiled, kissing him again. “And I you. Now,” he pushed Remus off him.

“Were going to be late,” he tutted, strutting dramatically towards the large door. 

“For what?” 

“Today is Hermione Granger’s 15th birthday, and there’s a party in the Gryffindor common room.” Sirius had a mischievous grin on his face.

“And we were invited to this thing?” Remus couldn’t hide his grin, he was trying to stay professional, but a common room party? _Please._

Sirius grinned. “If you’ll take off those robes and stop being so damn _professional,_ I’m sure we’ll fit right in.”

Remus sighed, pulling off his robes. “You’re a wanker.”

Sirius grinned. “Oh, you love me, really.”

_Yeah,_ he thought. _Yeah I do._


	12. “I was missing the guys”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> October 31st. 
> 
> Need I say more? 
> 
> (READ THE CHAPTER NOTES. LOTTA UPDATES!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couple updates and tidbits before i crush your souls lololol
> 
> \- i keep responding to comments on here and on my tiktok saying “you’ll see” and such and i want to clarify, i know what’s going to happen but i don’t have those chapters written. i’m not hiding any full chapters from yall, i promise. the moment i finish formatting and finalizing, yall have it. i’m not holding on to like 5 chapters lol.
> 
> \- these next chapters are going to be really, really heavy. i’m sorry. 
> 
> \- no, i’m not killing sirius. i don’t have to the mental stability, like genuinely, i don’t think i could write that and be okay. it’s a different experience writing it than it is reading it, and for me it’s like i’m there, in the moment with the characters as i’m writing, and i couldn’t do that. 
> 
> \- i know Umbridge is important to ootp and harry’s character development, actually, but i hate her ass so goddamn much that i fired her. 
> 
> \- on my tiktok yesterday i said i was planning 18 ish chapters, that’s a definite change now, and i’m sorry. this chapter was supposed to be multiple months, but it’s literally one day. it will probably end up in the 21-25 chapter range. oops, i write like i talk: too much. 
> 
> that’s all! :D
> 
> chapter CW: HEAVY thoughts. like probably one of the heaviest chapters so far. mentions of not eating, self-h!rm, su!c!dal thoughts, and lots of talk about losing loved ones and parents. 
> 
> SONGS!  
> \- Moon Song: Pheobe Bridgers  
> \- Holocene: Bon Iver  
> \- Guys: The 1975 
> 
> (link to the full spotify playlist is on my entire work summary!!)

_Tuesday, October 31st, 1995, 10:05 a.m._

“Mm, don’t go,” Sirius mumbled sleepily. 

Whenever they could, Sirius and Remus would apparate back to their home in East Sussex just to sleep, and would apparate back to Hogwarts in the morning, which always caused debates, as Remus was an earlier riser, and Sirius would protest even _going_ to work at all. 

“We have work,” Remus sighed, leaning down and kissing a sleepy Sirius on the head.

“ _Please,”_ Sirius whined.

Remus stopped. There was something different in his voice. It was desperation.

_“Not today.”_

Remus’ heart sunk to his ankles, guilt filling his entire body. 

He had completely forgotten what day it was.

Instinctively, he climbed back into bed, allowing Sirius to curl his body into him. His face was wet as he snuggled it against Remus’ chest. 

“It still hurts,” Sirius cried.

Remus, his eyes now watering themselves, cradled his head. “I don’t think it’ll ever stop hurting,” he whispered, his voice monotone, void of emotion. It had only taken seconds for him to fall into darkness. 

And there they laid, the two men, crying and broken.

Crying about the greatest loss the world has ever felt.

The world truly did get a little bit darker on the day that James and Lily Potter were murdered. 

~~~~~~~

_10:00a.m._

Much to the dislike of the pair, the world didn’t stop.

They made it to Hogwarts at 10 a.m., both of them red-eyed, pale, and tired. Neither had any interest in cheering up, there wasn’t even an option of that today.

After a long hug in the middle of the Hogwarts hallway, they parted ways, Remus walking into his office where… _Severus Snape was sitting._

“You’re late, I was sent to wait for you,” his nasally voice complained.

_“GET OUT OF MY FUCKING OFFICE!”_ Remus screamed, his eyes already starting to water, his hands shaking.

Yeah, going to Hogwarts wasn’t his best decision. 

Every year on October 31st, it was always the same. No happiness, no reason to be living, no reason to be nice to anyone, either. 

His entire soul felt black, his entire being felt void of emotion. Every year, it didn’t seem real. Every year, he still couldn’t believe it. And he wasn’t just experiencing emotions about James and Lily today, no. He was crying for Marlene, for himself, for Sirius, for Peter, for them all. He was crying for the life he never lived. 

For the life he was promised.

Snape’s eyes widened, and he looked at Remus, his red eyes, his veins, his throbbing Adam’s apple, his shaking hands, and apparently chose to keep going, because... well, he’s Snape.

“And why should I?” He protested, his face smirking.

Remus guffawed. “Why? WHY? You’re fucking kidding me, right?” He had given up on staying professional a while ago.  
“Today is the death date of the two purest people I ever knew, the only people who had never hurt me died today. _I’m upset, I’m FUCKING ANGRY, I’m depressed, I- I-”_ his voice started wavering, his hands shaking.

Snape, suddenly bright red, tutted and walked out the room briskly, leaving a shivering Remus. He would get no work done today, and he just wanted Sirius.

He just wanted James.

He just wanted _Lily._

Lily would have just hugged him right now, and told him he was going to be alright, that he was valid, that he was going to stop feeling the pain.

But Lily wasn’t there.

On the date they were killed, Remus had never felt anything worse in his entire life. He didn’t have words to explain the hole that night created in him.

He had searched for 12 years for something to fill that emptiness. 

Drugs, alcohol, nicotine, music, TV, denial, anger, sex, crying, cutting.

Grant.

None of them did anything. None of them could ever fill what Remus needed to experience life again. 

They were temporary, and they only furthered his belief that nothing good lasted forever. 

The only person who had done enough was Sirius Black. 

Sirius Black was like sunlight, overtaking the dark in his life, making him warm, making him live. 

But sunlight didn’t last forever, the darkness came out, and there was always a dark side to the moon, always a side that wasn’t lit. 

Remus was like the moon, oddly enough. Appearing light at first glance, but on the whole other side, there was darkness, a void of nothing, a beat up piece of rock with holes around it. A half-thing of light. 

Remus was that moon. A half, never whole. Always hiding the darkness. Full of holes, full of burdens, of hurt that would never heal.

The only thing that ever got to see the dark side of the moon were the stars that surrounded it.

Sirius Black wasn’t the sunlight, actually. 

Sirius Black was the star to his dark side of the moon. The lone object that illuminated it.

Sirius Black was the only person who illuminated Remus. 

They were the moon and stars. They’d never leave each other, never exist without the other. 

It wasn’t possible. 

But right now, he was the dark side of the moon with no stars to illuminate him, no reason to be seen, to be heard.

So he collapsed. He fell to the ground, unable to stand any longer, his entire body shaking, tears flowing out of eyes and into the other, stinging them.

Nothing mattered without them. Nothing mattered without them. Nothing mattered without _him-_

_“Remus?”_ A small voice asked. He didn’t even recognize it at first. The voice was so small, so broken. So unlike Sirius’ normal voice. “Oh my god, Remus,” he said, seeing the shaking mess on the floor. His voice wasn’t shock, it was relief. Relief that Remus was there and alive.

His own shaking body lay down next to him, and he clutched Remus, crying into his shoulder.

The moment Sirius stepped into Minerva’s, _his_ , classroom this morning she _ordered_ he leave and go be with Remus. She wasn’t having it today, and he didn’t fight it, just dragged his shaking body to Remus’ room. He hadn’t stopped crying since this morning, he was unable to see an end to the tears, anyway.

He was unable to see an end to this hurt. 

So, he laid, hugging his love, his Moony.

Because if anything, his Moony helped make the pain a bit more bearable.

Weeping, Remus lifted his hand, grasping for Sirius’, who grabbed it.

Remus squeezed it, so tight. _His star._

~~~~~~~

4:00pm

“Just go to class,” Harry sniffled, wiping his nose. 

_“No.”_ Hermione protested, clutching his hands as she leaned in front of him.

“Yeah. No way we’re leaving you,” Ron spoke, hugging his shoulder.

Hermione climbed onto his bed, on the other side of Harry still clutching his left hand. 

Harry’s eyes were bloodshot, his nose runny and his lips chapped. Hermione leaned her head on his shoulder, Ron following suit. _He was so lucky._

“They would have loved you guys,” he whispered. 

Hermione just squeezed his hand tighter. 

They sat like that for a while, Harry’s tears getting his sweatshirt wet, Ron validating him, Hermione loving him.

“Can I-” Harry started. He didn’t want to offend them. “Can I be alone for a bit?”

They didn’t look offended at all. 

“Of course, mate.” Ron smiled, squeezing his shoulder quickly and standing up.

“We love you,” Hermione whispered, kissing his left cheek.

He forced a soft smile, watching them leave the dormitories and hearing them creak down the staircase.

He picked up Adam’s letter, hoping to get his mind off things.

Remus had instilled a Muggle post system in the school, on behalf of “everyone who loves to write,” he had said. So of course, he had sent Adam a letter instantly, hoping that the address he had was still applicable, and henceforth, they had been exchanging letters for the last two months, he had a specific drawer full of Adam’s letters, his scraggly handwriting written on receipts, napkins, and _sometimes_ paper. His address had changed three times, and it was one of Harry’s greatest joys, besides the new Lupin/Black Legion’s meetings, was getting letters from Adam. 

The Lupin/Black legion was created at the persistence of Harry and Ginny, actually. “We don’t want to fight,” she had explained to the two hesitant men. “We just want to know if we have to, we’ll know how to.”

That made great sense, actually, so Remus and Sirius had started holding “Legion meetings” every other night at 8 pm in the Room of Requirement.

Umbridge wasn’t a problem anymore, oh no. Remus had fired her in two days' time. They just didn’t want the younger children to get nervous, Remus wanted their early days at Hogwarts to be nothing but pure, happy memories. 

So other than those meetings, which were always, always fun, he had Adam. 

He was really starting to fall for him, his handwriting, his way of talking about religion, philosophy, science, _life._

Adam truly believed that life would always get better. 

He slowly tore open the letter, pulling out an actual…. greeting card?

It was a cat, with sunglasses on. Harry stifled a laugh, the first one of the day. _What?!_

Opening the card, Adam’s scraggly handwriting was inside, he had to read it slowly to make sure he was reading the correct words.

“Thought this would make you smile. Hope it did. Anyway, I tried to schedule this so that it’d arrive on the day I wanted it too, with your parent’s death and all that. Just thinking of you today. Well, I will be. I think of you everyday. But I’m thinking of you especially today. I hope to see you soon, slugger.”

The paper was already getting wet with Harry’s now flowing tears. 

He hugged it to his chest, falling back onto his bed. He closed his eyes and curled into a ball, falling into a pit of longing and sadness, for Adam, for Cedric, for everyone that had already died for him, for Sirius and Remus, 

for his parents. 

His entire life, he had only wanted one thing. 

He wasn’t a selfish kid, in fact, he was one of the most selfless people in the universe, he offered his help and advice for everyone. He didn’t ask for anyone’s help, he didn’t put burdens on others, he’d only ever asked for one thing. 

One thing.

All he’d ever want was a hug from his parents. 

_And oh, how they wanted to hug him so badly._

And he thought of Sirius and Remus, who were both hurting more than he ever would,

because they were mourning two people who they had memories of. 

Something Harry would never have. 

Opening his eyes, he remembered something, and thought about exactly what he needed to do, right now. 

~~~~~~

It hadn’t been a pretty sight, opening the door to Remus’ office to see the two men clutching each other on the floor, both of them open-eyed, void of emotion.

It hadn’t been a pretty sight either, having to heave each of them up, either, their faces still stricken.

It definitely wasn’t a pretty sight when Sirius actually fell over as he stood up, causing a loud cry to come out his mouth. 

He knew they didn’t want him to see this, but he didn’t care. He was starting to question what he was about to do, but he didn’t care.

Remus, finally showing a hint of emotion as he grunted to pull Sirius back up, turned towards Harry, gripping Sirius’ shoulders. 

“This better be worth it,” he mumbled. It was a funny statement, but the emotion in his voice proved otherwise.

The funny part was that there was actually no emotion in his voice, which somehow made his voice even more full of hurt.

And now, he was leading the pair across the grounds to Hagrid’s hut. They had “woken up” a bit, Remus had stopped crying, but his face was still blank, his arms crossed on his chest.

Sirius wasn’t weeping anymore, but he walked, his hands in his jean pockets, silent tears streaming down his face, the cold air only amplifying his red face.

Their hands hadn’t left each others’ this whole time. 

They didn’t utter any words on the way there, out of sadness or annoyance at Harry, he couldn't tell. 

But once again, he didn’t care.

He knocked on the door, and Hagrid stepped out. “Harry! Didn’t expect to see you today, and- Sirius, Remus. Hello!” Hagrid was cheerful, but his eyes were full of worry as he looked at the two men, a bit confused as to why Harry didn’t look exactly like them. His eyes were red, he was sad, you could tell, but almost nothing compared to the broken men behind him. 

“You said you had..” Harry started, his voice quizzical.

“Oh! Yes, yes! Come on inside, watch for the fallen floorboards. Cold don’t do so good for this ole’ hut of mine,” he said, his voice quieter as he turned around, beginning to search through a desk drawer.

“Come on,” Harry coaxed, not going in until after Remus and Sirius both had made their way inside.

Sirius sat on the couch, instantly pulling his knees up to his chest, grabbing Remus’ hand back as soon as it was available. 

Remus sat next to him, his back straight, his face heavy. 

Every hour, every second, the pain seemed to get worse for them.

“Ah! Right! Here it is,” Hagrid exclaimed, pulling out a large leather scrapbook.

It elicited no response from Remus or Sirius, which only made Harry hopeful. 

“Uh- Here ya are, Harry,” Hagrid stammered, handing it to Harry, his eyes on the two. “I’ll leave ya to it.”

Hagrid nodded, walking out the door. 

“Guys-”

“Harry, what is this?” Remus asked, his eyes straight, staring at nothing, his voice edgy.

“It’s”

“No, really, Harry, what is this, because we’re all upset, we’re all angry, we’re all,”

_“Remus, can you please just listen to me?”_ His voice was angry, angrier than he liked to get.

It shut Remus up, and actually made him look toward Harry, his eyes softening as he saw the anger in his face. Remus didn’t like that he was angry, either, but he honest to god, could _not help it._

Harry sighed. “Hagrid found this, the other day. He was digging up some soil around a tree by the lake to.. I don’t know, help keep the tree healthy, and this was there. Right on the top, too. It was barely covered with a layer of dirt, it just blended in. He told me, two days ago, that it was my mother’s, and it had photos in it, diary entries, etc. I hadn’t had the chance to come see it, Quidditch, the Legion. But we’re looking at it now, and no-no. Don’t stop me, we’re looking at it. But you have to promise me something first, okay?”

No response. 

_“Okay?”_

Remus sighed, looking back at Harry. “Okay,” he croaked. Sirius just nodded, his face still empty. 

“I need you to change your mindset right now. And, don’t look at me like that Remus, I know it’s hard. But I really do not think my parents would want you to sit around all day crying about their loss. God, you should be celebrating them!”

Remus sunk, Sirius brought a hand to his mouth in a fist. _That hit them._

It hit them because they knew it was true.

“Okay, I can try.” Remus nodded, squeezing their intertwined hands, and Sirius looked up at Harry for the first time all day.

Throughout this entire hour, Sirius had not so much as looked Harry’s way, he kept his eyes averted.

He was so scared if he looked at Harry he would only see James.

Sirius looked up at him, his eyes instantly blurring. But he didn’t see James, no. 

He didn’t see James Potter, he saw _Harry Potter._

He didn’t see Harry Potter, James’ son, Lily’s kid. No.

He saw a hurt, broken boy named Harry, who wasn’t just James’ son.

He was James’ spirit come alive. And he was _beautiful._

“Okay,” he whispered.

Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand one last time and moved his body over so Harry was able to sit in between them.

He shuffled, sitting down in between the two, feeling their bodies against his shoulders, and he opened the book.

_“Oh my god,”_ Remus said, his face actually breaking into a faint smile.

On the inside cover, was a polaroid picture of a teenage Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter. They were in the Gryffindor common room, Remus sitting with his feet over a chair, a book in his left hand, open, his finger keeping the place, his mouth open in a smile like he had been saying something, and he was looking at James, who was beaming right back at him, his arms out in playful protest. Sirius was sitting next to James, clutching his stomach in laughter, his curls hiding his face. Peter was on the ground, his back against the chair Remus was laying sideways on, his mouth over his hand, almost covering his grin, his eyes wide in jest.

_“For the Marauders,”_ was written in perfect cursive handwriting on the front.

_“For proof you actually were cool, because I’m sure when you’re older, people won’t believe you,” _was written in parenthesis underneath.__

____

__

__

Agape, and slightly smiling, Sirius slowly grabbed the notebook from Harry’s hand, putting his finger over James, seeing _his face,_ his face, in a place other than his head for the first time in years. 

__

__

They really should have taken more pictures.

__

“I miss you,” he whispered, and then turned towards Harry. _“Thank you,”_ he spoke, his voice pleading. 

__

Harry bumped him in the shoulder, happy and relieved he got the reaction he wanted. 

__

They spent the entire next hour going through the notebook, all the pictures, a bottle wrapper from the summer of ‘77, a part of Sirius’ leather jacket that had torn off on a fence once, and little diary entries, all from her seventh year. 

__

“How did we never notice her doing this?” Remus asked, looking at a particular photo from the summer of 1977, James in the water, a large black dog at his feet, and he was waving at the camera. 

__

Lily was always taking pictures, and it never occurred to them where those pictures might be. 

__

“We probably did. You were just too busy drooling over me,” Sirius jested. 

Over the last hour, their moods and mindsets had changed greatly. There were still tears, but they were more happy than anything, and full sentences had formed from their mouths, and they hadn’t _stopped smiling._

__

“Oh, Moony, look,” Sirius said, pointing to a little paragraph in the corner of the page. 

__

_“To Remus,”_ it said. 

__

Remus looked up at Sirius as he started reading, a smile on his face. Every happy moment he needed to share with Sirius. 

__

_“The picture above was taken the day you came out to us,”_ it wrote, referring to a picture of their makeshift campfire. _“And I know that whenever you read this, you’re probably still doubting yourself. Don’t deny it, I know you, Remus. Just know that we love you, we always will love you, and you’re so valid!! Remus, SO VALID!! I don’t know what my point is here, really, but I just want you to know you’re crazy for doubting yourself. You’re the best person I know. Ever will know. Go eat some chocolate and kiss your boyfriend, or girlfriend, whatever gender partner you choose to have.”_

__

__(This was obviously written before the great “secret” was revealed.)_ _

__

_“I love you, no matter what. And guess, what, I get it! Men are pretty. I would know, I’m dating the best looking bloke on the block. Well, next to you, sexy. Thanks for getting me. Don’t know what I’d do without you by my side, I just know I don’t want to have to know. Love you, you silly goose!!!”_

__

_“Remus,”_ Sirius pleaded, smiling at Remus, whose eyes were wet, his smile so big. 

__

_Remus just looked up, meeting Sirius’ eyes. _Wow,_ Sirius’ eyes were saying. _

__

__

Remus turned towards Harry, whose own eyes were shining. 

__

“She was really great, huh?” He asked. 

__

Remus nodded, hugging Harry’s shoulder. “Yeah, yeah she was.” 

__

__~~~~~_ _

__

Turns out Lily had actually written personal ones for each of them, 2 pages each. They couldn’t read Peter’s, and actually ripped out the pages. 

__

“I know he was one of us, just as much as we all were Marauders, but I’m not reading two pages on Lily praising the man who killed her,” Sirius flustered, tearing the pages up, letting them fall to his feet. 

__

And on the back inside cover was handwriting they hadn’t seen. Other than things Lily had put in the notebook with his handwriting, James hadn’t made a formal appearance. 

__

_“Just found this little project Lil’s been working on,”_ a little smiley face in the corner. _“It’s cute so far. I won’t tell her I ever saw it. Ha! I’m such a sneak.”_

__

That caused the trio to laugh, tears forming in Sirius’ eyes, in all of their eyes. 

__

_“Anyway, HI FUTURE JAMES READING THIS! AND PADFOOT! AND WORMTAIL! AND MOONY! Am I still good looking? If the answer is no, there is no answer.”_

__

And that was it, that was the note, and that was the notebook. 

__

Sirius, now holding it, shut it slowly, his face buzzing. 

__

“Harry, I- I don’t know what to say. Thank you, I guess,” he was unable to find words to express his gratitude. 

__

“Don’t thank me,” Harry grinned, his own body humming from the excitement of seeing the Marauders, young. 

__

He thought his favorite photo had to one Lily took of James, with Sirius on his back, his curls in his face, his mouth open in laughter, James’ own face one of shock as he was about to fall, what looked like right on the camera, and in the back with Remus, sitting in the chair like he always did, feet over the side, with his left hand holding an open book, the spine cracked, and his right hand sitting perfectly in the corner, giving them the finger. 

__

__

“I don’t know _why_ I was!!” He had defended. 

__

_  
_

__

Sirius laughed, pushing his shoulder. “We were probably interrupting your chapter, you wanker.” 

__

And now, they were walking, Remus with the notebook in his hand at the persistence of Harry, who insisted that he didn't want to keep it, it was “rightfully theirs.” 

__

_Remus didn’t fight that point that much._

__

__

__

“Now what?” 

__

__

_Remus sighed, looking at the castle in front of them._

__

__

__

He turned towards the two, a mischievous look in his eye. “Food?” 

__

__

__

_“Food.”_

__

__

__

Seeing as none of them had eaten all day, and it was the Halloween feast, after all, it was the perfect way to end the day, 

__

__

__

the perfect way to celebrate James and Lily. 

__

__

__

_The best of them._

__

__

__


	13. “You’re a lover of the wild and a joker of the heart.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wolfstar, Harry takes a trip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! :D
> 
> i just want to say i’m promising to post SEMI-daily. so far it has been daily, but my life is kinda busying up with school right now, and that does come first, so if i don’t feed y’all with a chapter or two a day, bear with me. i won’t ditch y’all for more than two days, ever. i promise.
> 
> i’m trying to be historically and geographically accurate here, so it’s kinda fun that the streets i’m talking about in here actually exist!! and, the man mentioned towards the end, Wayne Douglas was an actual man who was killed by police in 1995, which sparked the Brixton Riots that Adam is referring to in the end here. more to come on that later, though. 
> 
> cw: talk of racial discrimination 
> 
> songs!!  
> \- Should I Stay or Should I Go- The Clash  
> \- 2/14: The Band CAMINO  
> \- Junk of The Heart (Happy) - The Kooks

_Friday, November 3rd, 1995, 12:00a.m._

“Happy Birthday,” Remus sleepily said, kissing Sirius on his forehead.

Sirius lazily opened his eyes, smiling at Remus’ face right above his. 

“Hi,” Remus whispered, smiling at him. 

Sirius lifted his head and wrapped his hands around Remus’ head, running his hands through his messy brown curls. Leaning his head up, he kissed him softly. 

“Hi,” he whispered back, breaking the kiss.

Remus sighed, rolling himself back over so he was lying shoulder to shoulder with Sirius on his back.

“How does it feel being 34?” He asked playfully.

Sirius rolled his eyes, turning his head so they were now face to face again, noting how good Remus looked. I mean, he always looked good to Sirius, but he meant _happy._

In the last few months, Remus and him both had found their general happiness levels were increasing on the daily. 

With the exception of October 31st, various bad days, and full moons, the pair were happy, _joyful._

The Order hadn’t met in a while, but when they did, nothing much had changed. Of course, that was still not _great,_ but it meant that nothing was getting worse, so it was also hopeful. 

At Hogwarts, Sirius was _loving_ his new position. The kids were great, he loved the subject, and the bond he had formed with Minerva over the last few months was unlike any bond he’d ever had. It was civil and polite, but also full of laughter, shared memories, and giddy moments.

Meanwhile, Remus was exactly the same way. Equality at Hogwarts was thriving, and everywhere he walked, he always saw at least one student that had the little rainbow pins he had handed out on their robes. Students had been coming to him personally, asking for help with homework, relationships, _everything._ He occasionally sat in on lessons, loving to just watch the kids’ faces light up at the wonderful world they lived in, and he especially loved watching Harry, too. In his classes, he _excelled._ He was number two in all his classes, behind Hermione, of course, and he was amazing at everything he did, essays, magic, spells. He _wanted_ to learn about it, and it reminded Remus very much of his younger self.

Sirius’ panic attacks had gone down dramatically as well, along with Remus’ intrusive, depressive thoughts. 

It seemed that Hogwarts really could cure all.

“It doesn’t feel that different,” Sirius mumbled, running his finger across Remus’ chin. 

Remus grabbed his hand and kissed it. 

“Can we do something simple today?” Sirius asked, his eyes pleading.

Remus kissed his hand again. “Like what?”

“Like….” Sirius moved his eyes to the ceiling, thinking. A grin appeared on his face after not long. “Can we eat lunch under the tree where we all used to go?” He turned his eye to Remus, his blue eyes seemingly lighting up.

Remus smiled, and kissed his hand, again. “That sounds perfect.”

Sirius smiled at him, and the two laid there, staring into each other’s eyes for a while, just content to be in each other’s presence.

Sirius smirked. “Can we do something else, too?” His gaze was playful, a different kind of mischievous.

“Hm, I don’t know I’m sure of what you’re asking,” Remus joked, his voice dramatic and sarcastic.

“Oh, just get over here,” Sirius practically mumbled with lust as he grabbed Remus’ neck, kissing him with all the passion and love in the world. 

Remus pulled back quickly, a smile on his face. “Oh, _that’s_ what you meant.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~

_Saturday, December 10th, 1995, 3:56p.m._

“Did you see that dive?” Harry grinned, walking side-by-side with Sirius out of the Quidditch field.

“Yes! That was… incredible! Every time I watch you play, Harry, you get better, I swear,” Sirius bumped him playfully on the shoulder, his voice prideful.

“Ah, I try,” Harry sarcastically said, flicking his wrist into a model-like pose. 

Sirius sniggered, smiling at his Godson, feeling a random burst of love for him.

“Okay, I’m going to go shower, catch you and Remus at dinner?” 

Sirius nodded, giving him a quick hug, wiping his hands on his jacket afterwards, _Geez that kid is sweaty._

He ran upstairs to Remus’ office, sighing as the door was closed and he could hear voices inside. His monthly meetings with the Ministry. 

He sighed, leaning against the wall and sinking down, content to just sit and wait until the meeting was over. He pulled his knees to his chest and started to think about every Bowie song he knew, silently reciting them in his head.

He was about halfway through “Diamond Dogs” when Cornelius Fudge strutted out the door, giving him a quick nod.

Smiling, Sirius sprung himself up, practically running into Remus’ office, stopping when he found Remus holding his head with his hands on his desk.

“Hey…” he whispered, walking slowly to his desk. 

Remus looked up, his face lighting up instantly. “Hi!” 

“Everything okay?” Sirius walked over to his desk, sitting on the corner of it. 

“Oh, yeah. That man just drains all the energy out of me,” his voice was light, so Sirius knew he was telling the truth, and nothing else was on his mind.

“Doesn’t he do that to all of us?” Sirius laughed, leaning over to kiss him. 

Pulling away from the kiss, Remus smiled, practically nose-to-nose with Sirius. 

“You ready for the Holidays?” 

Sirius grinned. He _loved_ the winter-time.

“You know I am!” He stood up, reaching into his back-pocket and pulling out a sheet of parchment. “I actually made a list of everything I need to accomplish, along with gift-ideas, you know, in case you were thinking of that,” he joked, tilting his head.

Remus laughed at him, watching him with a tender look, adoration filling his heart. 

“I already got your gift,” Remus started, taking the paper, reading the long list Sirius had planned.

_Make Hot Chocolate  
Make Hot Chocolate, but cold. (Chocolate milk?)  
Snowball fight  
Make snowman that looks like me in dog-form  
Watch Muggle Christmas movies, the one with the kid whose parents leave him and he fights bad men.  
Make ice rink. Go skating.  
Concert_

“YOU ALREADY GOT MY- MOOOONY WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT-

Remus ignored him, standing up and walking across his office aimlessly. “A Padfoot snowman?” He asked, directing the conversation elsewhere.

“Yeah!” Sirius exclaimed, falling for it, and eagerly jumping off the desk and following Remus around. “I don’t know I thought it’d be funny like if there was- _Hey. You didn’t answer my question, you.”_

He started poking the back of Remus shoulder playfully. 

Remus turned around on his heel, stopping his strides, and looked back at him. “I’m aware.”

Sirius grabbed the parchment from his hands, which were crossed behind his back, and whacked him on the forehead.

“Hey!” Remus laughed, ducking.

Sirius started giggling, and started chasing him around the room, both men running now, and continued to playfully hit him with the parchment.

“You’re crazy!!” Remus laughed, now hiding underneath his desk. 

Sirius leaned over the desk, his whole body over it, creasing the parchment strewn all over it. He leaned his head over, so he was looking at Remus upside down.

“Crazy about you,” he smirked.

Remus’ eyes softened, and he leaned forward to kiss him, turning his head and- _WHACK!_

Sirius fell back immediately, doubling over in laughter. Remus rubbed his now stinging nose and crawled out from under the desk, taking two giant strides and wrapped his hands around Sirius’ waist, not pushing him over, but making him stumble. 

_“AAH!”_ Sirius screamed, still laughing. _“HELP!! I’m being attacked by a madman in love!!!!”_

~~~~~~~~~~~

“So,” Harry mumbled, his mouth full of mashed potatoes. “I think I’m gonna stay here tonight, and tomorrow during the day. There’s an optional Quidditch practice that I really don’t want to miss, and I have an essay I need to finish. But I’ll come to the house tomorrow night or Monday morning, if that’s okay?” 

Remus nodded, his own mouth full of food.

Sirius looked at Harry. “Yeah, that’s fine. You can just use the floo network to do so. We’ll open it up tomorrow night, and if you don’t show, we’ll shut it at 11pm, okay? So if you aren’t ready by 11-”

“Wait until Monday,” Harry nodded. “Got it.”

Sirius smiled at him, and picked at his dinner, shoving a mouthful of chicken in his mouth. 

They had to be careful still, especially with Harry.

“We’re still planning to go to the Weasley’s house Christmas Eve, right?” Remus asked, finally swallowing his enormous mouthful of potatoes. 

Harry nodded, wiping his mouth. “Yup. Confirmed with Ron yesterday.” 

“Oh, look at the time. Sirius, we have to leave now if you still wanted to catch that showing of Home Alone in Edinburgh tonight.”

Sirius’ eyes widened. “Yes! Sorry, Harry. Okay if we leave?”

Harry smiled at them. “Of course, yeah. Have fun!!!

“Thanks, kiddo. See you soon,” Remus mumbled, stuffing the last of his bread in his mouth as Sirius was literally _tugging_ his sweater.

Harry smiled, waving as the two jaunted out the room, and laughing as they linked arms and actually started _skipping._

They had seemed to be in a really, really, good place in the last few months, Harry had noted, and it made him really happy.

But it also made him nostalgic.

And then guilty, because he wasn’t exactly going to be staying at Hogwarts for the weekend. There was no Quidditch practice, and he handed in his Charms essay two days ago. 

He was going to London to visit Adam.

~~~~~~~~

_Am I really doing this?_ He thought as he hastily packed his tote bag with an extra sweatshirt, his socks, and his wand.

There were so many reasons why he shouldn’t. Voldemort, he was lying to Remus and Sirius, he didn’t even know if the address Adam last gave him was correct, he-

_The reason to go was stronger than any of those._

Sighing, he walked to the Gryfinndor common room down the stairs, relieved when he found it to be empty. Most everyone had left, of course, but he was never sure. 

He knew Sirius and Remus had the Map, but why would they check it? And they would understand what he was doing, surely.

He pulled his hoodie on over his head and pushed down his bangs.

He took a deep breath, and stepped into the fireplace. _“The Leaky Cauldron.”_

Why he couldn’t apparate inside Hogwarts but he could use the Floo Network, he didn’t know, but chose not to care, and let the burning sensation envelop him, opening his eyes to the back room in The Leaky Cauldron, which was actually located at the front, right near the door.

Thankful for their fireplace placements, Harry was able to sneak out the front door undetected, and he walked out into the dark night onto Charing Cross Rd. 

He ruffled in his pockets, pulling out Adam’s address he had written down. _32 Lisle Street._

He had no idea how far or how close that was, but he didn’t care. He’d walk miles for Adam.

He started walking north, stopping a Muggle woman to ask where he could find that address.

She kindly pointed him in the Southwest direction, “Right in the heart of Chinatown,” she smiled at him before walking away, her heels clicking on the sidewalk. 

Smiling, Harry walked, waiting on crosswalks, dodging the way of pedestrians on their mobile phones, and it ended up being only a five-minute walk. 

Not believing his luck, he ran across the street once it was clear, and there it was, 32 Lisle Street.

Now what he didn’t have was an apartment number. He looked at the gate, the doorbell, and then the little numbers, only one had names under it. He’d have to ring each of the 11 numbers. 

Buzzing the first one, he leaned down. “Is there an Adam here?” He asked. 

“Nope.” The voice on the end answered. 

He sighed, putting his finger up to buzz #2. 

“Looking for me?” A familiar voice ran in his ear. Grinning, he spun on his heel, to find a grinning Adam, his hair now longer and curly, he was wearing black jeans, a black turtleneck, and a long trench coat, his right earring shining in the moonlight, and he had earbuds in his ear, connected to a CD player in his bag.

He pulled them off his ears, letting them fall to his feet. 

_“Adam,”_ Harry spoke, nearly breathless.

_“Harry,”_ Adam smiled, his dimples widening. 

Harry practically jumped into his arms, loving the feeling of being taller than someone. He smelled like coffee and cigarettes, with a hint of applewood. 

He pulled back out of the hug, met his eyes, and kissed him. It was dark, so it was safe.

Adam leaned into him, grabbing his neck, and pulled away, smiling.

“Hi.” Harry whispered. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Adam’s place didn’t match his quite-fancy looking outfit, it was completely trashed, brown wet stains on the wall, and it was _so cold._ Walking in, there were two men accompanied by two girls, half-naked, and it smelled of skunks. Both of the men were so skinny it alarmed Harry, and their skin was so incredibly pale Harry could see the veins in their hands.

“Adam,” the boy in the beanie said, the other didn’t notice him, he was too busy practically nose deep in one of the girls’ mouth. 

“Hey, Dean.” Adam nodded at him, then looked back at Harry, nodding for him to follow him.

Harry smiled at who he now knew to be Dean, and quickly followed Adam into his room. It was pretty bare, with a bed in the middle, a single sheet and pillow on the bed, accompanied by a wooden desk, a lampshade, and a trash can. The closet was in the corner, the light on inside. 

The walls had various posters on them, a Beatles poster, a fraying poster that said “One Man, One Vote,” with the Civil Rights Movement logo underneath, a poster of Elton John, and a large poster for a TV show called “Kenan & Kel.”

Adam caught him looking. “I gotta keep it light. I never know when I’ll have to pack up again. I’ve been lucky with this place.”

Harry stared at the room for a bit, then turned his gaze to Adam, who was now sitting on the bed, his trench coat on the floor. He was wearing a silver cross chain around his neck.

“Really?” Harry asked, gesturing his head to the door.

Adam laughed. “Ah, I don’t mind them. They’re nice enough, share their weed with me. Better than most, actually.” 

“Oh. That’s good,” Harry smiled, sitting down next to Adam, the bed creaking underneath him. He pulled his bag off and threw it behind him on the bed, being careful. If that was better than most, he didn’t think he wanted to know what was “most.”

“Tell me what you’re doing here,” Adam suddenly said, pulling his legs up so he was now sitting cross-legged. Harry followed suit. 

“I don’t know,” he stammered. “I wanted to see you.” 

Adam laughed, grabbing Harry’s hand. “It’s okay to not know. I’m just glad you’re here now. How long you staying?” 

Harry, actually, hadn’t thought that far. “However long I want to,” he said. 

“Good,” Adam smirked, leaning forward, stopping. “This okay?” He asked.

Eager, Harry nodded, letting Adam’s lips crush his, instantly loving the feeling. He had missed this for months, and they had only kissed once, out in the hallway. 

He leaned forward into Adam, letting his hands slide around his face. 

He felt Adam’s cold hand slip under his shirt, and he jumped back. Adam immediately pulled his hand out, and noticed the look on Harry’s face. 

He grabbed his hand.

“Hey,” Adam said, grabbing Harry’s chin. “You tell me what’s okay, okay?”

Harry’s heart sank. “Okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_Sunday, December 11th, 1995. 10:03a.m._

They hadn’t done much more than kissing last night, but Harry’s lips were still sore when he woke up that morning, to find an already awake Adam, who was reading a fraying book.

He was an early riser, just like Harry was.

And so, they had gone out on the streets around 8:00 in the morning, stopped to get breakfast and pastries, courtesy of Harry, and were currently in Hyde Park, deep into conversation. 

“Do you ever miss them?” Harry asked, taking a sip of his iced black coffee. 

Adam sighed, thinking about it. He wiped a string of foam from his cappuccino off his mouth, and looked at Harry.

“Yeah. But, I’m glad I was forced to leave, you know? I never would have known how horrible they were, and I still would be living there with that toxicity. Plus, I never would have met you.” 

Harry blushed, and looked down at his hands.

“Plus,” Adam contineud, putting his arm on the bench railing, talking with his hands. “They had that whole wanting to be white shit going on. All they wanted to do was fit in, and fitting in meant being white, and so therefore, they tried everything they could to, you know, “act white.””

He sighed, shaking his head. “It was ridiculous.”

Harry wanted to grab his hand so badly, but didn’t know how safe it was, so he refrained.

He honestly didn’t really know that much about racism. He knew that the Dursleys were pretty against the Civil Rights Movement, and he had kind-of heard about it from the POC students at Hogwarts, but he had never seen it in front of him like he did now. He kind of expected it to be like how Purebloods treated anyone who wasn’t a Pureblood, looking at them like they weren’t even _human,_ almost. 

“I’m really sorry that happened to you,” he said softly. 

Adam met his eyes, softening his face as he did. “Yeah, me too. But hey, it’s okay.” He shrugged his shoulders, playing it off, but Harry could see the hurt in his eyes.

“Want to go to a museum?” Adam asked, changing the subject. 

Harry looked up, smirking. “I kinda do, yeah.”

“Great!” Adam stood up, extending his hand to pull Harry up.

~~~~~~~~~~  
_8:00 p.m._

The entire day was a dream.

After the art museum, they walked to Buckingham Palace, Adam took Harry to his favorite pasta place, they had gone book and record shopping, and had just spent hours walking around London, just talking.

Adam’s philosophy on life was so incredibly interesting to Harry. He believed in the Christian God, but “not the same one everyone else was.” His God was a “being,” one who didn’t judge, who loved unconditionally, who was seemingly incapable of any kind of hate.

Adam hated the Church, he hated the government, and he hated authority. He loved men, punk rock, spaghetti, and libraries. 

He wanted to be a teacher when he was older, specifically history. “I want to teach kids about the true history of the world, not the “white man” history we’re already taught.

Harry just nodded, not sure how he could explain what his history classes were like. 

He had explained that he, Harry, went to a private boarding school in Scotland that specializes in different languages and cultures.

“Ooh! Speak the language!!” 

Sighing, Harry imagined a snake was in front of him, and started speaking. It sounded normal to him, but by the look on Adam’s face, it wasn’t normal at all.

“Holy shit! That’s bloody cool.” Adam had said.

Now the pair were back in Adam’s room, sitting on his bed, each with an earbud in their ear as they listened to Pearl Jams’ Ten, Adam’s favorite album.

Harry liked it, it reminded him of Nirvana.

The song ended, and Adam pulled off his earbuds, shifting his body towards Harry. 

“There’s something I need to ask you,” he said. 

“Yeah, of course,” Harry said, turning his body as well.

“There’s a protest tomorrow, and I want to go. A man named Wayne Douglas was killed by the police a few weeks ago, and a bunch of us are going out to protest. Us meaning black people. But, white people will be there too, i’m sure.” He hit Harry’s shoulder playfully. “There are some good ones out there.”

“Anyway, if you don’t want to go, we won’t go. But if you’re willing, I’d really love to be there. It will likely just be a lot of walking and screaming, the police might get mad, send us away. Nothing I’ve never done before. And like I said-”

_“Adam,”_ Harry started, grabbing Adam’s hand. “I want to go.”

Adam broke in a grin, and he grabbed Harry’s head, shaking it. “I knew you would, ugh! I love you!”

Adam’s face went stricken. “I didn’t mean- I mean, I do mean, that just-”

Harry shut him up with a kiss.


	14. “Wake up, Wake up, Wake up!”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13... continued :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah! sorry for the lack of chapter posting. my life and mental health lately has not been... great? so for that my posting in the next few days but be little. i promise i will get all the chapters written, edited, and out in the next week or two. i won’t leave you all hanging and will probably be more of an every-other-day schedule. :)
> 
> also i’d like to point out the word “fag” is written in here once, and i am a QUEER PERSON. i can write it. 
> 
> CW: police brutality, racism, language, b!ood, brief homophobia
> 
> songs!  
> \- People: The 1975  
> \- One for the Road: Arctic Monkeys  
> \- Werewolves of London: Warren Zevon

_Monday, December 12th, 1995. 11:34 a.m._

“This is really amazing,” Harry glamoured, staring at the mass of people in front of him, hundreds of different skin tones, each face defiant and proud. 

“I know,” Adam said, looking ahead at the crowd they were coming upon. He squeezed Harry’s hand. “I’m really glad you’re here with me.”

Harry’s heart beat faster, and he turned towards Adam. “I’m really glad to be here.”

Adam smiled, but his face went stricken, and he stopped walking, Harry following suit.

“I need you to promise me something, okay?” 

Harry nodded, anxious at his tone of voice. 

“If something happens to me, or you lose me in the crowd, don’t come back for me. I don’t want you getting hurt for me.”

“But I won’t get hurt, they won’t hurt me, I’m white.” 

Adam nodded at him, smiling. “Yes, true. But you can never know with the pigs, okay? Just- step off to the side or something. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

Harry nodded, squeezing his hand harder, tears welling in his eyes. He already had so much love for this boy, and he didn’t even know him yet, not really.

And off they went, joining the gathered crowd, still hand-in-hand.

“These are my people, we’re safe there,” Adam had explained to him that morning.

They didn’t have to wait for long until they started marching to the police station, and Harry was so incredibly glad to be in on the fight. 

Last night Adam had explained to Harry about the intense amount of racial discrimination, hate crimes, and racial profling that existed in London, let alone the world. He had learned an idea of what it was like to live a life in constant fear of being attacked, even _killed_ just because you were born with different skin. It broke his heart, and it broke his heart even more to know that during all their memories, throughout all of Adam’s life, he had that little voice in his head, telling him to “watch out.”

He had heard about the sexism towards black women, how men fetishized them, how they were used as toys, and he had started crying when Adam had explained it.

Most of all, though, he heard about the police brutality.

“Aren’t these people supposed to be protecting you?”

Adam laughed. “Yeah, exactly, right?! But actually, the idea of police came from “slave handlers,” so, there was never a way out for us. God, Harry, I could be walking with my hand on your shoulder in the street and I could get arrested for “attempted violence,” because the police see what they want to see. And they don’t want to be seeing us in the first place, so they’re trying my best to erase us.”

_Erase us._

That specific phrase rang in Harry’s mind as the crowd started yelling, and the police came out, in… battle gear?

It wasn’t battle gear, of course, but it sure looked like it. They had _shields._

“KILLER!” A man in the front yelled, his fist raised.

Without any hesitation, the big, white policeman walked up to him, punching him in the face and grabbing his wrist, handcuffing it. He punched the man’s face again, knocking him unconscious, causing the crowd to scream and yell even more. He handcuffed both his wrists together and _dragged his body up the stairs to the police station._

Harry about barfed. _“WHAT THE FUCK?”_ He screamed out, not at anyone, just the world.

Adam grabbed his hand. “I love you.”

Harry barely had time to even respond, because the crowd had taken off, people running down the streets, people were breaking police windows, running at the police, getting clubbed, screaming out phrases. 

_“WE’RE HUMAN TOO!!”_ Had broken out, Harry and Adam joining in the chant.

Harry felt an odd sense of both fear and empowerment. It was endearing, beautiful, and horrible.

There was fire, there was screaming, there was anger, there was fear, there was _hope._

He watched as black men were thrown to the ground, their heads bleeding. He watched as black women were treated the same way.

He watched as a black woman was pushed to the ground by a white man who had passed by, and had chosen to join the opposing side. He watched as he pushed her to the ground, ripping off her dress, and then her bra.

“Only bloody thing you’re good for,” he muttered before walking off, leaving her nude and weeping in the street.

He watched as the police shouted the n-word in every black man’s face.

He watched the empowerment on every person’s face, the genuine hope that what they were doing was going to make a difference, and oh, how he hoped they would. 

Harry and Adam were still standing back, hesitant to join in. The men and women in the front were older, more broad, and all of them were black. Harry knew he was just as much an avid part of this fight, but he also knew it was safe for him to, and that was the problem. It shouldn’t be safe for him just because he’s white, and he didn’t want that ideal to continue, so he stayed back, still chanting, still empowered. Still there.

Harry watched as Adam squeezed his hand tightly, and then sprinted out into the street, his eyes flaming.

_“ADAM!!”_

~~~~~

“Check the map,” Remus nodded, nose deep into his fifth all-time read of _The Picture of Dorian Grey._

“Alright,” Sirius shrugged, his mouth full of fresh-baked Christmas cookies. 

Sirius half-jogged over to the “work desk” they had set up in the corner of the kitchen, a desk where they put anything work or Hogwarts related. 

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” he muttered, smiling as he said so. He always smiled when he said it, no matter what. It was one of few memories that wasn’t tarnished, the day that they made that saying.

Remus had recently “vamped” up the map, so that when you said a specific person’s name to it, it would show where they were, even if it wasn’t at Hogwarts. The “Internet” helped him with that one.

He had some drawbacks to it at first, but was calmed by what Remus had said. “We probably would have done this anyway.” 

_“Harry Potter.”_

The map spun, letters and words blurring into a spiral, and it landed, in…. _London?_ Harry’s banner was running across a street, stopping on the other side of it.

_“REMUS?!!!”_

~~~~~~~~~

“Oh my god, Adam,” Harry had practically whispered when he finally found him.

When Adam had taken off, he had completely ignored everything Adam had told him earlier, and followed him.

Luckily, the police weren’t too phased by a scrawny, 5’6 white boy with glasses running through the streets.

He hadn’t been able to find him for 10 whole minutes. He thought he had multiple times, but turns out his style of leather jackets were quite popular, and he had stopped at least 5 different people, none of them being Adam.

And then, he saw him. 

He saw a young boy sprawled on the ground, a pool of blood by his torso, his eyes blackened. 

_Adam._

He ran to his side faster than he’d ever ran before, his heart racing. Bending down on his knees, he clutched Adam’s wrist, searching for a pulse.

_Nonononononono-_

He let out a sigh of relief, finally feeling a soft thumping in his wrist. But his torso was still bleeding, and he was unresponsive. He needed to get out of the street, needed to get him away. 

He stood up, running to where his head was, and grunting, lifted his shoulders, holding his armpits between his arms, he dragged Adam’s body to an alleyway, resting him against the dirty brick wall.

His torso was still bleeding, it was still-

Adam made a grunting like noise, sparking Harry’s eyes. He was lolling his head around, his eyes still closed. Harry’s vision blurred instantly, and it was like all the noise in the world had stopped. Nothing else mattered, Adam was alive, he was here, and nothing else mattered. 

“Harry?” Adam mumbled, his voice slurred.

_“Adam,”_ Harry croaked, his head falling to Adam’s ankles, his entire body shaking from relief.

He was so caught up in Adam he didn’t even care that a man had just yelled “fags!” at them on the street.

He was so caught up in Adam that he didn’t even notice the two men who had seemingly appeared out of thin air in the alleyway. 

“HARRY!” Remus screamed, his voice angry, so angry it made Harry jump.

Still squatting, Harry looked up at Remus, whose eyes had averted from his to Adam’s body on the ground. His fists unclenched, and he met Sirius’ eyes, a look of pity filling both their faces. 

“Come on,” Sirius muttered, nodding his head and walking over to Adam’s body, quite slowly. Too slow, Harry thought.

Sirius crouched down beside Adam, Remus still standing behind him, his face not angry, but still stricken. 

Sirius put his hand on Harry’s face, smiling softly at him. “Hey, you.”  
Harry smiled back, but it felt forced. _Why was no one helping Adam? They needed to get him to a hospital, a clinic, a-_

Of course.

Magic.

Sirius removed his hand from Harry’s jaw and slowly ran his hand in the air over Adam’s body, muttering a quiet reviving spell. 

Adam’s breaths quickened, and Harry, still holding his right wrist, could feel his pulse return to a normal pace. Harry instantly broke into a relieved grin, his eyes beginning to water. 

_“Harry,”_ Adam mumbled, his voice stronger.

“Adam, Adam, Adam,” Harry grinned, barely able to form words with the grin on his face. He leaned forward, putting his knees in between Adam’s outstretched legs on the ground, and kissed his forehead. 

He rested his head against Adam’s forehead, forgetting that Sirius and Remus were behind him, forgetting that anything else mattered. 

Remus stifled a cough from behind him, breaking Harry out of his spell. Sighing, he closed his eyes, and leaned back, stepping up. 

Adam, of course, witnessed this whole conversation, keep that in mind. 

“Yeah?” Harry muttered, a bit of annoyance in his voice, trying to cover up his fear.

“Harry,” Remus started, putting his hand on the back of his neck and rubbing it. He didn’t like this either. “I honestly just want to know what you were thinking.”

“I-”

Harry watched as Remus fumbled for Sirius’ hand, neither of them making eye contact. 

“I wanted to see Adam. That’s all there is to it.”

Remus sighed, dropping his head, and Sirius looked at Harry, giving him a soft smile. He was angry too, but found himself incapable of showcasing it.

“You _do_ understand why that was one of the dumbest decisions you have ever made, right?” 

Harry’s heart sank, and he just nodded. “I just figured… I don’t know. I thought I’d be safe.”

Remus just laughed, anger in his laugh, even. _“You thought you’d be safe, hah!”_

Sirius squeezed his hand tighter, this time in warning. _Don’t get too angry, he was saying._

Remus sighed, squeezing his hand back, getting the message. 

“Well, I am now, aren’t I?” Harry grumbled, kicking at the gravel beneath his feet. 

That wasn’t the right thing to say.

“Yeah,” Sirius, actually, started, now finding himself frustrated. “You’re safe now. _Because we found you. We saw you on the map,”_

Harry’s face got red.

“We saw you on the map and got here as soon as we could to find you hovering over your… I don't know, your boyfriend’s body, blood spilling out of his torso? Don’t tell me a Death Eater did this, right?”

“No, Oh my God, no. That’s not what happened. I didn’t-” Harry stopped, wondering how to approach this. There was no other way. “It was a cop.”

Remus physically huffed out a breath, an angry one. Sirius’ eyes widened, and he looked at Adam with a new look in his eyes. It was a look of relief, anger, and realization. 

_“Fucking pigs,”_ Remus grumbled, walking over to Adam’s side and heaving him up, Adam grunting, as the pain in his side was still there, and still bleeding. “Let’s get him back,” he muttered, staring at Sirius. 

Sirius nodded, and extended his arm for Harry, who grabbed it hesitantly, waiting for that sinking feeling in his stomach to- 

_And there it was._

They apparated back to the house in East Sussex, landing in the lving room.

“What just happened?” Adam mumbled, still kind of out of it. 

“Bumpy car ride,” Remus grunted, picking his body back up and carried him up the stairs, muttering something under his breath neither Sirius nor Harry could hear. 

And then there were two. 

“So,” Harry started, walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water, setting his backpack down on the island.

_“Harry, come here.”_

Harry sighed, hoping he wouldn’t have to face this. He spun around, walking to the living room and sitting down on the leather chair. Sirius dragged the step-stool over and sat in front of Harry, folding his hands over his knees.

“Firstly,” Sirius started, his voice soft. “I want you to know we aren’t mad,”

“Sirius, it’s okay be mad at me.”

Sirius laughed, meeting Harry’s eyes. “Yeah, okay. We’re a little mad.”

“But you understand _why_ we’re mad, right?” 

Harry nodded, averting his eyes down

“Okay, and Harry, look at me when I’m speaking to you, please.”

Harry looked up, meeting Sirius’ hard gaze, his own hands starting to shake. 

“You _cannot_ do that again. Do that again and Harry I swear to God you will never leave mine or Remus’ side for the rest of your life. Voldemort could’ve-” 

Sirius sighed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “You were right in his grasp, if he had the chance.”

“I know,” Harry muttered. “I’m so sorry.”

Sirius grabbed his hand, squeezing it lightly. “You’re forgiven, okay? We’re just glad you’re alive, just glad you’re here.”

Remus came down the stairs, rubbing his forehead, his brow furrowed. Harry immediately sat up, Sirius following suit, crooning his neck to meet Remus’ gaze. 

Harry could see Sirius give him a small smile, which Remus returned, and he walked over slowly, stopping in front of Harry.

Harry’s heart raced, his hands fidgeting. He really didn’t want to get yelled at again.

“Harry?” Remus asked, his voice hard.

“Yeah?” Harry mumbled, his voice small, his eyes looking at his feet. 

“Can I please just give you a hug?” 

Harry smiled to himself, looking up, meeting Remus’ eyes. Remus’ face had changed completely, that comforting teddy-bear like smile returning to it. 

Remus grabbed his shoulder, pulling him up with the force of a giant, pulling him in so tight, his head resting on top of Harry’s mangled hair. It wasn’t long until Harry felt the force of a smaller, but just as loving man come up on the side of him.

Harry, now squished between them, finally let his emotions go, and he let out a few silent tears as he stood between the two people in the world he felt safe with, the two people he was certain he would never leave him, not in a million years.

“I love you guys,” he whispered, his voice creaking. 

Sirius made a squeak-like noise, and Remus just hugged him harder. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
_Tuesday, December 13th, 1995_

“You’re sure that you’re okay to go back?” Sirius asked Adam, fixing Adam’s sweatshirt hood. 

Adam crooned his neck backwards, meeting Sirius’ eyes. “Yeah, It’s all good.”

Sirius smiled at him, clapping his shoulder and he walked past him, past Harry, and went to stand in front of Remus, leaning into him, guiding his hands so Remus was now hugging him from the front. 

Harry walked up to Adam, tears in his eyes.

“I wish you didn’t have to go,” he muttered. 

Adam laughed, grabbing Harry’s hand. “This ain’t forever, baby. This is just a minor “see ya later.””

Harry smiled, looking at their hands together, then back at Adam. “I’m really going to miss you, though.”

“Ah, me too. No reason to mope, though. We’ve got each other, doesn’t matter whether that’s physically here or not, we’re there.” Adam broke into a grin, his hazel eyes illuminating in the morning sun.

“I love you,” Harry whispered, putting his head against Adam’s. 

“And I you, my dear.” 

Harry smiled, turning his head to kiss Adam, hard, careful to not touch his bandaged torso.

Pulling back, Adam just smiled at him, then walked back to the taxi behind him.

“See ya,” he smiled, and climbed into the car.

As the yellow taxi drove away, Harry felt his eyes water again, and he turned back towards Remus and Sirius, who both had huge grins on their faces, both of their eyes watering too.

“Oh, shut it,” Harry laughed, walking past them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
_December 23rd, 1995._

“Done,” Sirius huffed, brushing his gloved hands off. 

Remus looked up from his book, instantly doubling over in laughter, actually falling out of his chair, doing so.

_“What?!!”_ Sirius exclaimed, hiding his grin.

“That-” Remus huffed, catching his breath. “That is probably the ugliest thing I have ever seen.” 

Sirius looked back at his attempt at a Padfoot snowman, sighing. “I thought it looked good!” 

“No, really, turn into the dog. I wanna see the comparison.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, transforming into the dog. Even the dog looked annoyed.

But what made Remus lose it even more was that the dog actually looked _exactly_ like the snow- dog.

“Ah! It looks just like you!”

Sirius transformed back, grinning. “See, I told you it- _HEY! Are you calling my dog form ugly?”_

Remus smirked. “You said it, not me.”

Sirius gaped at him, smiling. “Wanker,” he grinned, picking up a handful of snow.

“No, Sirius. N-” Remus stopped, a splash of cold ice hitting his face, falling onto his lap. _“Oh,”_ he laughed. _“Oh, you’re going to pay for this.”_ He threw his book on the table and jumped up, picking up a huge pile of snow.

“AAAH!” Sirius screamed, fumbling to run in the snow, eventually falling flat on his face into the white powder.

Remus cackled, leaning over to catch his breath. Sirius rolled over, his black hair white with snowflakes.

“That was-” Sirius was shut up with a pile of snow now thrown in his face by Remus. He shook his head, throwing off the snow. 

He smirked at Remus, an annoyed but giddy look on his face. “I love you,” he said, smiling.

“Yeah, I know,” Remus said dramatically, extending his hand and pulling Sirius up. 

“Can we go get Hot Chocolate?” Sirius asked, once pulled up.

“Perfect,” Remus said, reaching for Sirius’ hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

_December 25th, 1995, 9:03p.m._

Christmas Day at the Sirius/Black Manor was everything one could imagine and more.

The tree was piled with gifts, the food was incredible, the weather was perfect, and the house was so full of love.

Harry had gotten new records, his own portable record player, new broom-care items, a pair of brown converse, and Remus’ own personal addition, a hairbrush.

Sirius didn’t stop laughing for a good 5 minutes.

Sirius and Remus had mostly given each other basic gifts, sweaters for Remus, a Doc Marten care kit for Sirius, and both of them had gifted each other at least 10 records each. Remus had also promised Sirius that next summer, he would buy them front row tickets to any concert he wanted to go to. 

Harry had given them a gift too, one that involved both of them, matching rings that had little etches of the Canis Major and Lupis constellations, the Canis Major one for Remus, the Lupis one for Sirius.

“I don’t know, I thought it’d be cute,” he had bushed.

Sirius slipped it on his fourth finger, smiling. “It is cute,” he had expressed, looking back at Remus.

Harry remembered seeing an odd look on Remus’ face, but ignored it, figuring he maybe wasn’t a ring person?

Now, Harry was upstairs, writing a letter to Adam, in which he enclosed a mini leather notebook. “For all those beautiful thoughts you have. Write them down, maybe you could use them later.”

And downstairs, Remus and Sirius were splitting a bottle of sparkling grape juice, sitting on the living room couch. Sirius was curled up in Remus chest, Remus circling Sirius’ collarbone with his pointer finger. 

“So, really, any concert?” Sirius was asking.

“Yes, _any concert._ I’d even go to a Supertramp one,” he looked down at him. “Just for you.” 

Sirius grinned at him, creasing his nose up. 

They sat like tht for a while, looking at the snow outside in the moonlight, listening to the crackle of the fire, leaning into each other’s bodies.

Remus didn’t even hesitate, didn’t even sigh before he spoke, didn’t give any further announcement that he was about to say something, he just spoke.

“Let’s get married,” he spoke, his voice defiant.

Sirius sprung up, Remus’ hand falling to the cushion with the lack of Sirius’ collarbone. “What?” He asked, his voice quizzical, but his face grinning, his eyes illuminated. 

“Let’s get married,” Remus declared again, his own smile starting to form. He adjusted himself so his body was facing Sirius’. 

“We can’t. I mean, _Yes,_ but- it’s- it’s not legal.” 

Remus smiled at him, not even looking worried, like he had thought this out before. “Not in the Wizarding World, it’s not. There’s nothing _against_ it, technically, and Arthur said that he had those rights, I heard him say it last night, he’s marrying Bill and Fleur, you hear him say that? I was thinking he could-”

Sirius shut him up with a passion-filled kiss, moving his body on top of Remus’, so he was now straddling his waist with his knees. 

_“Yes.”_

Remus, dazed from the power of that kiss, stammered. “What?”

“Yes, I’m saying yes, Remus.”

Remus’ face broke into a grin, his dimples showing, his eyes shimmering. “Well, I didn’t think you’d say _no-_ ” 

Sirius shut him up again, leaning his entire body into Remus’, wrapping his hands around his face.

“So, who’s taking whose last name?” Remus asked, smirking at him once they ended the kiss. 

Sirius didn’t even hesitate. “I want Lupin.” 

The tiny tears in Remus’ eyes finally let loose, and he just smiled, in awe of his life. 

In awe of the star in front of him, the only person in his life who he was certain about. Remus wasn’t certain about anything, he was always questioning, always doubting. 

He was always certain that everything would be taken from him.

But he was certain of one thing, and that was the love he had for Sirius Black. 

Or, should he say, Sirius Lupin.


	15. “But you don’t know what it’s like to fall in love with you?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus’ birthday, James’ birthday, a warning from the Order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short one, mostly just because this needs to be a recap/set-up for the next few, which will likely be LONG. i love this one though, i’m pretty proud of Sirius’ little monologue at the end. 
> 
> songs!!  
> \- You, Me, Cellphones: Husbands  
> \- Lose My Mind: Dean Lewis

_March 10, 1996. 7:32a.m._

The last three months had blown by right in front of Remus’ eyes. They had celebrated the new year, started the second term, celebrated Lily’s birthday on the 30th of January, Gryffindor was once again seemingly going to win the House Cup and the Quidditch Cup, Adam had come to the house in East Sussex almost every other weekend now, when Remus and Sirius were available, Harry was genuinely happy for the first time in years, he had told Sirius the other night, and best of all, the wedding planning.

Remus was still getting used to the idea, as marriage between two people of the same gender identity was not only illegal in the real world, it was practically unheard of. It wasn’t as much in the Wizarding Community, people were more open about it, but it definitely faced the same stigma from the same folk who believed in “Pureblood Supremacy.” He often smiled about the idea of Walburga Black twisting in her grave when she found out that her legacy was coming to a quick end by the marriage of her son with a queer, half-blood werewolf. And then he’d smile at the thought of Sirius’ Uncle Alphard, who was probably cheering from his grave. 

He didn’t want a big ceremony, just something simple with those who loved him. _Them._

Sirius, surprisingly, agreed. “It’s not like we know enough people to really have a big shin-dig anyway,” he pointed on. 

As well, Sirius was absolutely _ecstatic._ He had turned into a magazine cover wedding mom, with the binder and everything. If they were going to make it simple, it needed to be “Sirius Black” simple. 

Sirius had done most of the planning, anyway. Remus was kicked off the wedding board early into the endeavor when he suggested that the color theme be a light brown. 

Ginny had almost knocked his head in.

One thing Remus had suggested Sirius actually _did_ go for, though.  
“We shouldn’t even do best men, or women, whatever. Just the wedding party.”

Sirius had looked up from a First Year’s Transfiguration Essay he was grading, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “I was thinking the same thing, actually. My best man at whatever wedding I was going to have was always going to be James. And if we had a best woman, it’d be-”

“Lily, yeah. Exactly.” 

They had decided one thing together, though. The date.

July 9th.

The same date, on the beach in 1977, when they had made their relationship official.

“No more girls?” Remus had asked.

“No more girls.” 

Remus had thrown it out, and Sirius raised his head instantly, his eyes shimmering. 

“I didn’t think you’d remember, honesty,” Remus had said.

Sirius laughed, kissing him. “I’ve remembered that date since it happened, love.” 

So, that meant that in five months, he’d be a taken man, off the market. 

But that was in five months, he had Headmaster things to worry about. And right now, that meant breakfast. 

Yawning, Remus pushed open the doors to the cafeteria, and-

_“HAPPY BIRTHDAY REMU!!!”_

Sirius was standing proudly at the center of the room, holding a large cake, beaming at the crowd.

Remus gaped at him. He had promised he wouldn’t do anything big, but when he woke up this morning to an empty bed, he knew that wasn’t going to be the case.

Smirking, Remus strutted to the front of the cafeteria, students cheering him on as he walked past.

“You are absolutely nuts,” he muttered, laughing.

“I know!” Sirius grinned, holding out the cake. “Just like the one I made you long ago, with-”

“Four flavors, yeah. Like my toast.” 

Sirius grinned, nodding. 

“God, I wish I could kiss you,” he whispered. 

“Do it then,” Srius gambled. 

Remus bet. 

He leaned forward, kissing his fiancee on the lips, a bit of the chocolate frosting getting on his robes. 

Cheers ensued from the crowd behind them, and Remus pulled away, grinning, then turned to the crowd.

“Let them eat cake!” He yelled obnoxiously, using wandless magic to split the cake into slices. 

~~~~~~~~~

_March 27, 1996, 10:00p.m._

“Tell me a story about him you’ve never told me,” Harry mumbled, throwing a piece of chocolate into his mouth. 

Currently, him, Remus, and Sirius were sitting under the “Marauders” tree under the starlight, sharing memories of James.

Today was his birthday, you see. James. 

“Hah! I have one,” Sirius mumbled, his own mouth full of chocolate. He sat up on his elbow so he was looking at Harry, Remus’ body between them. 

“Okay, it’s… I think it was 6th year? 6th or 7th. Anyway, we had a party in the common room, right? Your dad got _hammered_. I mean, absolutely shit-faced. He was standing up on the table dancing his poor little soul out to T. Rex when he decided it’d be the best idea in the world to get his broomstick and start flying it _around the room._ Lily had to save him, despite her repercussions.”

Harry laughed hard, Remus just smiling, staring at the sky. 

“I’m really sorry you never got to know him, Harry,” Remus muttered, his voice full of genuine sorrow.

Harry sighed. “Yeah, I am too. But I get to know you, and I think that’s just as amazing.”

“Oh my God, can you two not be sappy for like _two minutes?”_ Sirius smiled, both playing and genuinely wanting to change the subject away from his best friend’s death. 

Remus hit his shoulder, pushing him back down. “I’m a Pisces, it’s in my nature,” he said, his voice playful. 

“Yeah, well, I’m a Scorpio, and we’ve got strong-ass wills, so don’t test me.” Sirius said, smiling.

“My Dad was an Aries, right?”

Remus nodded in the moonlight, smiling.

“Yeah, that makes a lot of sense,” Harry smiled, leaning back onto the grass, staring at the constellations, when an idea came into his head, and he popped back up instantly. _“Guys.”_

“Hmm?” They asked, in sync.

“You should get married in the Gryffindor Common Room.” 

_Silence._

Then Sirius’ emotional voice. “Oh my God.”

Harry couldn’t see in the darkness, but Remus had fumbled for Sirius’ hand almost instantly, and their fingers were now intertwined.

“Is that a good-”

Remus cut him off, his voice joyful. “Harry, that’s quite possibly the best idea I’ve ever heard come out of someone’s mouth.”

Harry smiled a smile of relief, falling back onto the grass, putting his arm behind his head.

Sirius had been mostly silent, and only Remus, who had good night-vision, could see the smile on his face and the silent tears streaming down his eyes.

He squeezed Sirius’ hand, forcing Sirius to turn his head, meeting Remus’ eyes. 

Remus looked at him, asking with his eyes, _“You really want to do this?”_

Sirius just leaned over and kissed him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_April 10th 1996, 12:01 p.m._

“No, that’s close though! You want to move your wand more in a zig-zag, like this,” Sirius smiled softly, talking to a First Year who was having a really hard time getting her mug to turn into a glove. 

She smiled at him, copying his movements, and bam! She had a glove.

“Nice job! You’re a natural,” Sirius ruffled her curly blonde hair and walked towards the front of the room, eyes averting across it to look for any stragglers. 

“Sirius!” A familiar voice, or _voices,_ rang from behind him, and he saw McGonagalls’ face go stricken as soon as she heard them. It had to be…

“The Twins!” Sirius grinned, spinning on his heel. Fred and George had their heads through the door, smiling. “Come on in.”

Giddy, the two redheads scampered into the classroom, careful to not go any farther, as McGonagall was staring them down from behind Sirius’ back.

“Class, you probably know these two scraggly boys back there, but if you don’t,” Sirius smiled, dramatically opening his arms to the class. “These two might go down as the greatest Hogwarts pranksters of all time. Not to mention geniuses in the joke industries.”

He had now moved in between them, and had his arms around the twins, who were smiling and shaking their heads. 

“Ah, nothing could beat the Marauders, mate,” Fred whisphered. 

“Oh, I know. I was just trying to make you feel good,” Sirius smirked, looking in between the two boys.

Fred hit him on the head with a piece of parchment, causing Sirius to duck, his hands falling off their shoulders.

“Oh, anyway, we were walking back from Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Remus was in the hallway, asking if we could come get you, so…” George started, looking back at McGonagall for permission.

Sirius turned on his heel, giving McGonagall pleading eyes. 

“Oh, go” she said, her face stern but her voice playful. 

He blew her a kiss and grabbed the twin’s shoulders, pushing them out the door. 

“See ya!” The twins screamed in unison, walking down the other way, laughing about something.

Sirius smiled at them and then turned, almost sprinting to Remus’ office. Any opportunity he got to see his Moony was absolutely urgent in his mind.

Panting, he reached the doors, and after stopping to catch his breath, he opened the door. 

“Heeeey lov-” He stopped, seeing Remus with his head down on the desk, his hands wrapped around his neck, his head rocking back and forth. He hadn’t sat like that in a while, and he only sat like that when he was overwhelmed with something anxiety-ridden, or seriously bad. 

“Remus?” 

He grunted, moving his hand to push forward a letter from Dumbledore. 

Already anxious, Sirius picked up the letter carefully, scanning it. 

_“We have word that Greyback has returned, as well as his fellowship for the Dark Lord. As Harry is in your care, we are asking that you do not tell him, nor alter your day-to-do lifestyles, just be wary. Don’t leave the school grounds at night, don’t leave them unless needed. This goes for you and Sirius both, not just Harry. I can’t say much yet, but we are all in grave danger. Stay cheerful! We will succeed.”_

Sirius didn’t know how to respond to it. Greyback was back, they were in grave danger, they couldn’t tell Harry, but they were supposed to.. _stay cheerful?_

“I- _what?”_  
Remus sighed, looking up, his eyes red. He had been… crying?

“Moony,” Sirius walked over to his side, turning his chair towards him. “Talk to me.”

Remus gestured his arms for Sirius to sit on top of him, and Sirius did, climbing himself into Remus’ lap in the large wooden chair. 

Remus put his hand on Sirius’ head, just holding him, and Sirius could feel his chest shake as he started crying.

Sirius just nuzzled his head into Remus, hugging his chest.

“Remus, you need to talk to me,” he said.

Remus started playing with Sirius’ hair. “It’s just- it’s just-” he choked on his words. “This sounds so much like last time, with Greyback, and the secrets, and Dumbledore, and, and-” he was losing control, his words sputtering like a fountain. 

“I’m so terrified I’m going to lose you again. I’m so scared, Sirius, I’m so scared.”

Remus’ voice was small, and so quiet. It reminded Sirius of the first time Remus had cried in his arms, and he was filled with that need to protect him again, stronger than ever now. Remus was likely the most broken person he knew, and yet he was the strongest. Sirius was just as broken, but not as strong. He still shook when he heard the clangs of metal, still couldn’t talk about James for longer than five minutes, but Remus. Remus had endured all that and more. Remus had experienced things Sirius didn’t even know the half of. For Sirius, when he was in Azkaban, he had lost his lover, his Moony. But he knew he was innocent, he knew that he was still allowed to love Remus.

For Remus, though, he had no idea. He thought Sirius wasn’t innocent, and didn’t just lose his lover,

he lost his best friend. 

And he never stopped loving him. 

Sirius sat up, cupping Remus’ face with his frail hands, forcing his tear-filled eyes to meet his own.

The look of a hurting Remus was more than enough for Sirius to begin crying as well.

“Moony, I promise with my entire life that I will never, _ever,_ leave you. I am incapable of doing so. Our souls are intertwined, we cannot exist without the other. It’s a connection we can’t explain, you and I.”

He didn’t know where these words were coming from, he wasn’t as poetic with love as Remus was, he still didn’t know that he had a grasp what love really meant, having faced so much hate his entire life, but he let them spill, still staring into Remus’ hazel eyes.

“Remus, I grew up with no ideal of love, no model to follow. And then I met you, little angsty Remus, who despite everything your childhood was and more, put himself first, let others love you even though you didn’t want it. Darling, you are all I ever wanted love to be, all I ever need love to be. You are the only person I would want to go through the good times with, the only person I would want to go through the bad times with. You taught me what love was, what love meant. How it meant putting the other person first, how it meant being there unconditionally and unquestionably. And then you taught me that I’m deserving of something like that. You taught me that my past doesn’t define me, that I deserved someone to love me, someone to be there for me. You were amazing enough to sit there and listen to everything I had to say about my family and my trauma and you did, you _listened._ And then you did just that, you stayed. You stayed with me even when I didn’t. I love you enough to bear your burdens, I love you enough to believe in us, and I don’t believe in much. Remus, I love you so much that leaving you would crush my entire being. God, Remus. You are the best thing that I never planned.”

His voice was strong, never failing.

“You taught me that love isn’t hard.”

They hadn’t broken eye contact, Sirius’ hands had never left Remus’ face, their heartbeats even seemed to be in unison.

“And this,” Sirius gestured to the letter. “This is nothing. It’s nothing because we have each other, and as long as we have each other, any problem can be solved.”

Sirius leaned his forehead against Remus’, feeling Remus guide his hands behind Sirius’ neck.

“When did you get so poetic?” Remus whispered.

Sirius snickered. “Learned from you, love.”

Remus lifted Sirius’ head and kissed him with the power of a meteor, love spilling from his lips.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” he whispered between kisses.

“Remus, I don’t even think “I love you” explains my love for you well enough.”

And there they sat, content to be in each others’ arms, reveling in the fact that they were here, together, convinced that nothing could ever go wrong.

They had each other, and as long as they did, nothing could ever, _ever,_ go wrong.


	16. “And where was Sirius?”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... harry’s vision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t even know if i can call this one a chapter it is literally SO short. but it needs to happen, and i want to give you all something today, as the next chapter i definitely need to plan a LOT out for and it will take me a while to write. 
> 
> so, therefore, no promises on chapters tomorrow. i’m gonna like shit write tomorrow and then edit it all so it’s *chefs kiss*
> 
> so, enjoy. i’m sorry about the cliffhanger. more to come SOON! these next 3 chapters are going to be HUGE and definitely some of my best, because we’re finally getting away from chapters with mostly dialogue and i get to write how i write best. :D.
> 
> song: (yeah theres just one sorry)  
> \- Darkness Takes Over- Nicholas Hooper

_May 1st, 1996. 5:78p.m._

“Moony, I can’t, it’s just too much,” Sirius sighed dramatically, throwing his hands down on the table.

Remus looked up from his book, laughing at his dramatic stance, flared out over the table, smirking at him. “Alright, talk to me.”

“I have essays to grade and wedding stuff to plan and I also promised Hermione I would watch Crookshanks for the weekend, yeah sorry we’re going to have a cat at the house this weekend but she’s visiting her parents, it’s her dad's birthday and he’s allergic-”

“Sirius, it’s fine.”

Sirius smirked at him, stopping his pacing and then resuming it. “And I would ask for your help but I have a very specific grading system on the first and second years. I do a smiley face for an A, a smirk for a B, a- don’t laugh at me! Hey!”

Remus had crouched over in his chair, laughing. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just cute!”

Sirius rolled his eyes, playfully, and then sunk into the chair he had placed in front of one of Remus’ tables in his spacious office. 

“I’m just ready for this year to be over,” he huffed, putting his legs on the table and his arms behind his back. “I love my job, I love being back here, but I just miss the _summer._ Plus, we have something else to look forward to,” he smirked, seeing a sparkle in Remus’ eye.

Remus sat up, dog-earing his book. “Oh, I can’t remember what it is you’re speaking of. Mind reminding me?” 

“Oh, have you not heard? I’m getting married to the love of my life this summer. I don’t know if you’ve met him. He’s tall, _very_ strong, he’s got this messy brown hair, except sometimes it’s blond, depending on the lighting. He’s got a good sense of humour, he speaks quite fluently and uses large words, and uh- let’s see… you could probably set him and a piece of beige fabric together and they’d blend in.”

Remus gaped dramatically. “ _Hey!_ Beige is a respectable color, Mr. Polka Dot socks!”

Sirius leaned forward, throwing his robes off his legs and pulling up his pants, revealing bright blue socks with yellow polka dots on them showing above his Doc Martens. “Oh, you _wish_ you could be as cool as me,” he gawked.

Remus just smiled at him, laughing. “Well, whomever that fella is you’re marrying-”

“ _Fella?_ Bold of you to assume my sexuality, good sir,” Sirius put his hand over his chest, dramatically.

They were both huge drama queens.

“Like I couldn’t tell from everything about you,” Remus smirked, gesturing to his painted nails and eyeliner.

“Oh, I couldn’t even find one straight bone in you either,” Sirius smiled, his gaze softening.

“Anyway, that fella is lucky. Real lucky.” Remus smiled at him, holding up his left hand which held the rings Harry had gotten them, which they had now deemed their engagement rings.

Sirius held up his own left hand, still staring at Remus. “Yeah, I’m pretty lucky too.”

~~~~~~~~

_Friday, June 19th, 1996, 6:58p.m._

“No! That’s cheating, that is. Put the card back, Sirius, put the card back,” Adam grumbled, in the midst of a Monopoly game with Sirius. 

Sirius had gotten his wish, the last month had gone by quickly, and it was _finally_ summer. Adam had been invited to the house the second school let out, which meant a weekend without magic, but it meant a happy Harry, so it was worth it.

Harry, over the last few months, had been anything but. 

He was bearing the brunt of a lot of weight from the Order, dealing with the anniversary of Cedric’s death, and the overall worry that every night a Dark Lord was going to kill everyone he loved. 

He had started getting nightmares too. Well, he’s always had nightmares, but they were starting to feel a bit too real for his liking, and had woken Ron up in a panic many nights just to make sure he was still alive. 

Of course, he’d never put his feelings on anyone, he didn’t need anyone to be doing anything for him, so he told no one and suffered in silence.

Telling someone meant that he would have to confess that he wasn’t okay, wasn’t this ideal of “The Boy Who Lived,” which meant they would pity him, start doing things for him, start sacrificing their lives for him.

He didn’t believe he was deserving of any of this. Why him, why did he, little scrawny Harry Potter, get chosen to live out this prophecy, this ideal of being? It wasn’t even his choice! He was just born into it, he had no say in anything, his entire life. When he was younger, at the Dursleys, he just didn’t have a say period. And now, he still didn’t, really. Sirius and Remus were the only ones who valued his opinion, it seemed. 

To everyone else, Harry wasn’t even a teenager, a boy. He was an object, a toy. They used him for protection, for secrecy, for the hope that things would get better.

What no one bothered to ask was how _he_ was. How he was feeling. Not even a general “how are you” was thrown out there often. 

There was never even time for someone to ask him that question, as every time someone saw him, it was just whatever the next bad news was, the next thing for him to “remember.”

“Remember, Harry, you’re our hope.” 

“Remember, Harry, you’re The Chosen One.” 

And he couldn’t even tell Adam, that was the problem. He wasn’t allowed to. Even Remus had advised him against it, and when Remus told him no, he couldn’t argue that. 

But he was honestly glad to have a few days without magic, without _talk_ of magic, for that matter. 

“Yeah, Sirius, no cheating!” He yelled, looking up from his book, “Animal Farm,” which Remus had recommended to him.

“Lemonade, anyone?” Remus said, pushing open the glass door with his foot and carrying a large pitcher of sweet lemonade. 

Eagerly, everyone stood up to grab a glass, relishing in the cold feeling in the summer heat. 

Remus sat down, putting his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “The weather is really nice,” he whispered, looking at the sky and the slowly setting sun.

In fact, everything was really nice. There was only a month until their wedding, not much was happening with the Order and Voldemort yet, and it was really nice to just… relax.

“So,” Adam said, spinning around. “A game of football?”

“Read my goddamn mind, kid,” Sirius smiled, standing up. “Oh, Harry, take Remus, please.”

_“No, please, no,”_ Harry whined playfully.

Remus picked up Animal Farm and whacked his head with it. “I’m not _that_ bad.”

“Yeah, yeah you are,” Harry smiled, standing up. “But I’m glad to have ya.”

For the record, Harry and Remus still won the game. 

~~~~~~~~~

_June 20th, 1996, 1:03a.m._

After the two hours of football, everyone was wiped and ended up going to bed at 10p.m.

Remus stayed up later reading, but that was normal. In fact, at 1:10a.m, he was still awake when Harry came bounding down the stairs, tears streaming from his face.

But let’s flashback 7 minutes, shall we? 

Harry was asleep in his bed, Adam curled up into a ball on his right side. 

He was having a dream, in a place he’d seen before… but he couldn’t place it. It was long, blue-ish light filtering around it, with rows and rows of large… orbs? He was hearing something… something that sounded like a small animal struggling for air.

It smelled _horrible,_ and just walking around it his scar was hurting. 

_“Tell me that prophecy.”_ An all-too familiar voice rang, sending shivers down Harry’s spine, his heartbeat palpitating. _Voldemort._

“You’ll have to kill me, then,” another all-too familiar voice croaked, full of pain. _Sirius._

Then there was a crack-life sound, followed by painful moans. 

Harry turned the corner, and there he was, Sirius. Chained by the wrists, his forehead sweating, his eyes tearing up, his back bleeding through his vest. 

And behind him, the Dark Lord himself. 

_“I will get that PROPHECY!”_ He screamed, casting another curse at Sirius, causing him to cry out in pain.

_“SIRIUS!”_ Harry yelled, running forward. 

But as he tried to get to him, he seemed to pass through his body like he was a ghost, and he fell down, passing through the floor, and landing back in his bed, awake.

When he fell out of what he thought was a dream, he realized his eyes hadn’t even opened, they were already. 

_It wasn’t a dream. It was a vision._

_And where was Sirius?_

He practically leapt out of his bed, slamming open the door and running down the stairs, startling Remus. 

“Harry? Are you okay?” He asked, quickly putting down his book and standing up, walking over to a shaking Harry. 

Harry pushed his outstretched hand away, looking around the living room. “Where is Sirius?”

Remus shrugged. “The Order sent him a letter around 11, said they needed his motorcycle for something, he’s delivering it right now. I can check the map if-”

_“Remus, we need to find him. Right now.”_  
Remus stopped rummaging through the desk, his hands already shaking. He turned his head, his eyes wide with fear. 

“Why?” He asked, his voice shaking.

Harry explained his vision, and Remus felt like it was all happening again.

He felt exactly like he did on October 31st, 1981. 

Except this time, he could save him. This time, there was still hope. 

There was still hope. There was still hope.

Right?


	17. “Sirius Motherfucking Black”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Veil. Need I say more?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS. all i’m going to say is i’m NOT. KILLING. HIM. okay, i promise. just, trust me. 
> 
> i know i’m going pretty off canon for this scene, but it works for the story, okay? it works. 
> 
> cw: b!ood, heavy thoughts, overall darkness lol. 
> 
> songs:  
> \- Lizard Point: Brian Eno  
> \- Death of Sirius: Nicholas Hooper 
> 
> (THE SONG IS MISLEADING.)
> 
> enjoy!

_June 21st, 1996, 8:09a.m._

“Ugh,” Harry groaned, landing on his feet after apparting.

Remus was already on the move. 

“Remus,” Harry called after him, his eyes adjusting to the morning light in London. “Remus!”

Remus spun on his heel. “ _What,_ Harry?”

“That’s the wrong way.”

“Oh.”

Harry led him to the phonebooth on the opposite side of the street, the pair heading down, into the Ministry of Magic.

Almost as soon as they sunk down in the elevator-phonebooth, they were being pulled by a frantic Arthur Weasley through the crowd.

“Arthur, we can walk just fine by ourselves,” Remus grumbled, his tone almost dead, which meant he was scared out of his mind, but he wouldn’t show it.

Harry could read right through his fucking face, his eyes glimmering on the brisk of tears all morning as they had come and gone from the Weasleys, to 12 Grimmuald Place, Sirius nowhere to be found.

Eventually, they found themselves in Arthur’s office, where Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Luna were waiting, Ron pacing, Hermione drawing circles absentmindedly on a sheet of paper, Ginny picking her nails, and even Luna was fidgeting, each of them standing frozen when they entered the room, their eyes searching past Harry and Remus for that curly mop of black curls.

Of course, they found nothing.

“What do we have?” Remus asked, not acknowledging the presence of anyone else in the room, just following Arthur to his desk, where he picked up a letter, holding it for Remus to take.

“We got this back around 11p.m. last night, after we sent the letter requesting for his motorbike,” Arthur explained, his voice frantic. 

_“Alright! Be there in two,”_ was scraggled sleepily on the paper. 

“Can you confirm that’s his handwriting?” Arthur asked, gaining Remus’ eye contact again.

“Yes, absolutely, I can.” Remus’ voice was shaky, his face pale. 

He was trying to stay so strong, so brave. But it was taking all of him to not collapse right on this floor and weep.

It felt just like it did all those years ago. He felt like a child, so scared and nowhere, _no one_ , to go to.

He felt small, he felt weak. He felt incapable of joy, ever again. He felt completely broken.

The sheer idea that Sirius wasn’t okay, was lost, was dead, was too much for him to even be able to comprehend.

He was shut down, but he wasn’t portraying it. 

He was falling apart by every second Sirius wasn’t by his side, stroking the spot on his hand right between his thumb and forefinger. 

And it was destroying him to not let it out, it was destroying him to play the “strong” role his brain was telling him to play, because his heart was telling him very different things. 

He thought he was healed. He thought he was over it all.

Remus was the one who could talk of James and Lily, he was the one who could actually say the word Azkaban. He was the one who suffered all that loss, all that void of joy for 12 years. He dealt through it, and he boxed it up, and he didn’t revisit it when he could help it.

But he couldn’t heal, and he knew it. He had spent 15 years convincing himself that he had healed, that those breakdowns on the floor, the shaking hands, the anxiety that crept through his body whenever Sirius wasn’t with him that just felt so normal. He had spent so long telling himself he was okay.

He had realized that every single time he saw Sirius after a period of not, which could mean an hour, or even 20 minutes, he would let out a physical deep breath, one he didn’t know he had been holding in.

For 12 years, he held that breath. 

And he still hadn’t let it all out. 

He couldn’t heal because he kept pretending he wasn’t hurt. 

He carried it well, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t heavy.

That didn’t mean it still broke him in every possible way.

“Has there-” he started, his voice shaky. “No one has seen him?”

Arthur sighed, not wanting to answer. He just shook his head.

“And the bike, has anyone confirmed that it got here?” Hermione asked, giving Remus an “I got this” look, giving him a few moments to catch his breath.

Arthur nodded, turning towards her. “Yeah, the bike got here, Hagrid found it exactly where he wrote to put it, but no sign of Sirius.”

The room fell silent, no one entirely sure where to go next. 

“Remus, we have to be prepared for the fact that-”

_“No. Absolutely fucking not. Don’t say those words to me, not now.”_ His voice was angered, his bloodshot eyes much more visible as his face grew into that terrifying look it did when he was angry. 

Arthur stopped, growing as red as his hair, stepping back.

Remus’ fists were still clenched at his side, and he hung his head, slumping against the table behind him, unclenching his left hand to rub his forehead.

“And there’s no chance he’s back at your house?” Ginny asked now, standing up, her left hand still in Luna’s. 

Harry turned towards her. “No, we sent Tonks, if he shows, they’ll be here, and- _FUCK!”_

Harry just remembered something very important.

“There’s a fucking muggle at the house,” he muttered, loud enough for everyone to hear, but his tone reclusive. 

Remus’ head shot up, his hand dropped to his side. “Shit.”

“I’ll send Tonks a note. She can.. I don’t know, Confundus him. She’ll figure it out, she’s good with kids,” Arthur nodded, causing Harry’s stress levels to go down a little.

Adam would wake up, in a house he didn't know, without Harry next to him, with a young woman who had purple hair and a nose ring, who might pretend to be… the housekeeper? He’d be-

Actually, he’d be fine. 

Harry knew Adam, and with Adam, nothing was ever set, nothing was ever certain. He’d be just fine.

Harry just needed to stay alive for him, just needed to come back to him. 

“You’re the only thing I’ve ever been certain about,” Adam whispered into his chest in the dark of night a few days ago, their soft bodies laced under the sheets, half-asleep, neither wanting to actually go to bed, afraid of losing the sense of each other to a dream world. 

One again, the room fell silent, Ron half-smirking at Harry, relieving some of the tension in his stomach. 

“Look, it’s early. I’m going to go get some coffee and tea, maybe some bread, and then we can go from here,” Arthur muttered, standing up off the desk he had been leaning against, and walking to the door. 

He stopped in front of Remus, who had moved back to furiously rubbing his forehead, his hand shaking. 

He put his hand on Remus’ shoulder. Remus didn’t look up.

“It’s going to be okay, Remus. We’ll find him,” he spoke, uncertainty in his voice, but certainty in his face.

It was contradicting, the entire situation. No one knew what to believe, what to do.

And the worst part of it all, was there was nothing they _could_ do.

It wasn’t like you could just get up out of the room and go running around the Ministry of Magic in search of an already hated ex-convict who might be under the influence of a Dark Wizard right now. You just couldn’t do that. 

Well, unless you’re Remus John Lupin.

_“Remus!”_

He was already out the door. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
_9:45a.m._

“Remus, I’m telling you, let’s just go back to Arthur’s office, we’re doing no good just running around like this,” Hermione complained, leaning over to catch her breath.

Ron chimed in, happy to have Hermione’s back. “I’ve got to agree man. We’re safer in his office anywa-”

_“YOU KNOW WHO’S NOT FUCKING SAFE THOUGH, RON?”_ Remus screamed, red in the face.

A few passerbys looked up, alarmed, and quickened their paces. 

“Right,” Ron whispered, shaking his head and looking down, quite embarrassed. “No, you’re right. Lets- uh,” he looked toward Harry for confirmation. “Let’s keep going.” 

“Yup. There ya go,” Remus muttered, walking to the next door and slamming it open, sighing once again to find an empty room. 

He didn’t know how the hell he ended up running around the Ministry of Magic with 5 teenagers at 10 a.m. in the morning, looking for his fiancee, but he sure didn’t have time to think about it either, he was only thinking one thing.

_Siriussiriussiriussirius._

“I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about, Minister,” he heard a nasaly voice from across the large circular room he was about to enter. It was… familiar, but he couldn’t place it. 

“Okay, but be quick. Get the memory and then leave,” a voice, Fudge’s, responding. “But Lucius, I’m trusting you.”

_Lucius Malfoy._

“Hey!” Remus whispered, gesturing to the teengaers to come by him. He grabbed their shoulders and pushed them into a bundle, forcing them all behind the large pillar, him at the front, his back against the cold marble.

He put his finger to his mouth, staring down the five teenagers with equal determination. 

The door clicked open, then the jangle of keys, and it was locked. 

Fudge’s wooden shoes clicked against the tile, and eventually, he was out of sight.

Remus took one more second, closing his eyes, trying to listen for anything more, before gesturing to the group with his head, and they all peeled themselves off the marble, walking quietly.

“Oh, he locked the door-” Ron started, before Hermione whacked him on the head. 

“You are sometimes the dumbest person I know, Ron Weasley,” she grumbled, turning her head to the door and pulling out her wand.

Remus rolled his eyes, _when would these kids learn you don’t need wands?_

“Alohomora,” she whispered, and the door unlocked quietly. 

The group quickly hurried in, and they all turned to Harry, relief actually flowing through them when they saw him reach for his forehead. 

Remus smelled the air. “Yeah, there’s something bad here.”  
“Where did he go..” Remus muttered, looking around the room.

“There?” Luna asked, finally chiming in, and pointing to… a wall?

At least, it looked like a wall to Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. 

Harry, Luna, and Remus were easily able to see the large iron door in front of them, the electrically buzzing from it.

“That’s a wall, Luna,” Hermione muttered, annoyance in her voice. Ginny glared at her.

“Luna, what do you see?” Ginny asked, still side-eyeing Hermione. 

Remus answered for her, as he actually did know, he could tell. He was a Professor, once, after all. 

“This works like a lot of things in the Wizarding Community. There’s a door, right there. I can see it, Luna can see it, and Harry, I’m assuming you can too?”

Harry nodded. 

“Right. Only people who have experienced true loss can see this door. But, anyone can access it, so let’s get a move on, shall we?” 

Nodding in agreement, Remus silently cast the door open, creeping inside. 

“This is it,” Harry whispered, staring at the rows of orbs, each glowing a similar blue.

“Yeah?” Remus asked, looking back, his face creasing into worry.

“Yeah.” 

Sighing, Remus kept walking, the group following him close behind.

Ginny grabbed Luna’s hand, giving her a quick smile. 

Ron crouched behind Hermione, eyes averting across the whole room.

“What is this place?” He asked, fear in his voice. 

“The Department of Mysteries, it is,” a voice rang from behind them. It was high and shrill, full of sarcasm and an odd kind of humour. No one recognized it, no one could tell who it belonged to.

Except for Remus. 

_“Fuck,”_ he whisphered under his breath. He spun on his heel, which meant the group could too, and they turned right into the face of Bellatrix Black.

She hadn’t changed much since their years at high school. Same Black family hair, same cheekbones, same jawline. The only difference was her eyes. Pure evil ran through those eyes, no longer the lovesick brat Remus once knew.

Oh, and then there was that small difference of the snake tattoo creeping down her arm. 

“Bellatr-” Remus began, cut short by the floor collapsing underneath them, the only sounds he could hear was his own screams and Bellatrix’s shrill laughter. 

_“AAAA-”_ Their screams went silent as they were suspended, inches from the ground.

Hermione’s hair scraped the ground, Harry’s glasses about to fall off his nose from the impact.

Standing in front of them, Bellatrix flicked her wrist, lifting them up so they were standing buck-straight, unable to move. 

She stood, smirking at them, glee in her eyes as large forces of black air zoomed down into the large room, past the large pillars in the middle, and right behind each of the 6.

Harry, Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Luna, and Remus were all torn back by another’s will into the arms of a Death Eater, wands to their faces. 

“Ah! I’ve been waiting for this moment, I have,” Bellatrix laughed, raising her arms.

Remus struggled against the Death Eater. “Get the _fuck_ off me,” he muttered. The Death Eater just drove his wand further into Remus’ temple. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Lucius’ raspy voice rang into his air. _Of fucking course._

Whether he shut up because of Lucius, or because of Harry now walking up towards Bellatrix, he didn’t know. Both were reasonable options to stand in silence.

“Harry…” Ron mumbled, the Death Eater’s hand covering his mouth.

Harry reached into his pocket, pulling out one of the orb-like circles from his pocket. 

“How did you-” Bellatrix started, smiling at the orb.

“I saw it on the ground. It was the only one not on the shelves, figured it might be important.” He shrugged, his voice was nonchalant, casual, like he had done this before and had no reason to fear anything. 

It would have been brave if not saddening. 

Remus didn’t have time to wonder when he had the time to grab that… thing, because his mind was digging through archives of time, of words he had once heard but had never thought about.

Department of Mysteries, Prophecies, Tom Riddle, The Chosen One, Circled Memories.

It hit him, and he would have fallen to the ground if Lucius wasn’t still holding him. 

Harry was holding the prophecy of his life in his hand. 

And he was about to hand it over to _Bellatrix Fucking Black._

“Ah, it is important, little one. More important than you even know, which is quite humorous, when you really think about it, isn’t it?”

Harry stood, frozen, his face emotionless.

“Not funny? Ah, well,” Bellatrix shrugged dramatically. “Give it to me,” she said, her voice going stern suddenly. 

“Why should I do that?” Harry asked, provoking her, a slight humour in his voice.

“Well, if you don’t, I’ll have my lovely little minions here slice the heads off of everyone behind you, that’s why!”

Bellatrix _beamed_ as she said these words, sending chills down Remus’ spine. 

Harry turned back, meeting Ron’s eyes first. He moved his gaze to Remus, who was saying “NO” with his face as much as he could.

Of course, Harry was fucking Harry, and he gave the prophecy to her instantly, not even hesitating. 

Bellatrix lunged for it, her face curling into a grin as she tossed it between her hands. She opened her mouth to a laugh, but was stopped by the blinding white lights that suddenly ebbed into the room, flying through the air like wisps of wind.

The white lights flashed past each of the Death Eaters, knocking them to their feet, the teenagers and Remus stumbling to get their balance, moving their arms like they’d never been moved before. 

One white light in particular flew right back Bellatrix, knocking the prophecy to the ground. 

“NOOOO!” Bellatrix’s voice rang shrill through the room as she lunged for it, barely touching it with her fingertips as it fell to the ground, shattering silently. 

Remus didn’t even want to think about the repercussions of _that._

She scrambled to get up, flustered, and ran to Harry, grabbing his shirt collar as the white lights landed themselves on the floor, turning into familiar people, causing a small smile to show on Remus’ face.

Nympadora Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, and Kingsley Shacklebolt were the three lights, and they smiled at Remus before hurrying to Ron, Ginny, Hermione and Luna, crowding them into a corner and ordering them to stay put. 

Of course, Remus’ eyes were still on the last white light, which had landed itself right behind Bellatrix, causing her to jump.

_Sirius Motherfucking Black,_ Remus thought as he smiled at the mangly mop that showed itself behind him… was that… _ketchup_ on his lip?

Remus broke into a grin, fear still in his eyes, but he couldn’t hold back the joy filling his heart. 

Bellatrix spun around, her eyes widening as she locked eyes with her cousin, Sirius Black.

“Get away from my Godson!” Sirius gambled, before punching her straight in the nose. 

She cowered, leaning down to hold her nose, and Sirius grabbed Harry’s shoulders, pushing him behind the brick wall that was on the side of The Veil. 

“You okay?” Sirius asked, running his hands across the side of Harry’s face.

Harry just nodded, giddy with relief. 

Sirius nodded at him, hurriedly moving his gaze to the room, to where Tonks was hovering over the teenagers, making a mental note of who was there, then to Moody and Kingsley, busy with the Death Eaters, moving their unconscious bodies to the edge of the room, his eyes started to panic, he didn’t see him. He didn’t see-

_“Sirius.”_ The only voice he was searching for came from the side of the room. 

_“Moony,”_ he practically gasped, lunging from Harry to Remus, who was now climbing up the stairs, tears streaming down his face, cries of relief emitting from his body. 

Remus jumped into Sirius’ arms, smelling the leather, his shampoo, _him._ He had never held onto anything harder in his life.

His large hands gripped the back of Sirius’ head, his own head dropping to Sirius’ shoulder, his entire body shaking with relief. 

“Sirius,” he just kept whispering, holding his entire world in his arms, the only person who mattered was _right here. Right here._

Nothing mattered. Nothing else mattered. He was safe, he was healthy, he was alive. 

Remus grabbed his head tighter, closing his eyes, feeling safer than he had ever felt in his life.

He had been searching for so much his entire life, grasping for things, holding onto the belief that nothing good would ever come to him, he had to go get it.

He was still searching, searching for joy, for relief, for the grief to be over.

And right now, in this moment, his search felt complete. 

There was nothing else that he would ever need as long as he could hold Sirius Black in his arms.

“HEY!” Moody’s bellowing voice rang through the room. 

Remus opened his eyes, barely registering the white-haired man making his way furiously towards them.

He pulled away from Sirius instantly, his body folding at the loss of him, and he reached toward him again, only to pull him behind him, Remus protecting Sirius with his entire life.

Lucius stared into his eyes, trying to read his expression. 

“Mudblo-” he started, before a bright green light hit his chest. 

Remus turned toward Sirius, but he was staring at Lucius in the same manner. 

Harry walked up from the brick wall, holding his wand and beaming.

“Oh, you-” Lucius grumbled, picking up his wand and starting to stand up.

Remus slowly strutted forward, stopping Lucius from standing. 

He leaned down, smirking at Lucius, and kicked him right in the balls. 

As Lucius groaned in pain, rolling onto his side, Harry laughed, coming up behind Remus, leaning onto his body. 

Sirius was still behind them, and walked forward a little, looking toward Tonks and Kingsley, giving them a quick thumbs-up and a smile, which they returned. 

Behind him, another Death Eater had escaped Moody’s spell, and Harry turned around quickly. 

_“Expelliarmus!”_ He screamed, his voice loud, knocking out the Death Eater instantly.

“Hah! Nice one James-” Sirius started, his last syllable cut off by a force in his chest that reminded him of childhood, of Christmas at the Black family house, of scrambling to the fireplace to floo network himself to the Potter’s house, of falling in love with Remus. 

He was knocked back, tripping on the brick landing, and he fell back, extending his wrists to stop himself on the ground.

The last thing he heard before everything went black was Bellatrix’s laugh, and Remus’ voice, louder and more fearful than he had ever heard it.

_“SIRIUS!!”_

Everything went in slow-motion for Remus. 

The crack of the curse, the last syllable of Sirius’ words cut off, the sound of him grunting, his neck twisting, his eyes widening, Sirius falling, his arms extending, his hands against Harry’s chest, pushing him back, his own legs moving, his arms reaching, grasping.

Remus stepped on the top step, pushing off for leverage, and physically leapt into the air, his arms grasping for Sirius as he fell.

Remus’ chest hit the brick, the wind coming out of his lungs, his arms reaching so far they were straining him. 

His hand clasped around Sirius’ ankle.


	18. “He Was Alright.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> recovery and reconciliation.
> 
> as this is the last chapter, i have a lot of notes so please read!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just finished editing this chapter, and i’m crying; this is the last official “chapter” of this fanfic and wow... what a ride. i’ve never shared my writing so publicly like this and never did i expect to receive the upmost praise that i did. it’s incredible for me as a human who wants to be a writer as a career to be hearing so many wonderful things from people who cherish these characters just as much as i do. it’s insane and scary and wonderful. i love you all. muah.  
> (there is a short epilogue after this.)
> 
> as well, i’d love to add that people had said they’d love little “bootlegs” of characters like adam or harry or anyone. this will definitely not be the last thing i ever write in relation to the marauders, i’m too far in it now. let’s be real, i’ve been too far in it since i bought a sirius black t-shirt at the age of 8. ANYWAY, if you have any requests for short stories or literally just character analysis essays, shoot them my way. i’d love to write them. :) MORE PROJECTS TO COME, I PINKY PROMISE! 
> 
> now grab yourself some moony toast and buckle up. 
> 
> songs!  
> \- Heartbeats: José González  
> \- Guiding Light: Mumford & Sons  
> \- Changes: David Bowie  
> \- Lady Stardust: David Bowie

June 21st, 1996. 1:08p.m.

“No, no no no no no no,” Remus whispered, pulling his body to Sirius’ scrambling for his wrists.

He had managed to stop his body from entering the Veil, but Sirius was now unresponsive, his body still.

He had only taken this curse once before, and though he was younger, his body seemed less equipped to handle it now. 

Remus’ breaths were frantic as he grabbed Sirius’ wrists, _his beautiful wrists_ , and placed his thumb on his veins, his own heart beating a thousand beats per minute. 

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, _something._

It was faint, but it was there. 

Relief flowed through him, and he sunk his head into Sirius’ chest, tears flowing through his eyes, falling onto Sirius. 

Moody was making his way across the room, his wand outstretched.

He didn’t have the chance to curse Bellatrix, as she quickly turned back into… whatever those black wind things were, and sped off, the other Death Eaters following close behind.

That left behind the Order members and the teenagers.

“Is he?” Tonks came up behind Remus, her voice soft.

“He’s alive,” Remus said, not able to tear his eyes away from him. 

He could feel Tonks release breath behind him, and she came up and sat next to Remus, resting her head on his shoulder. “Thank god,” she whispered.

Remus was thankful for her presence, it kept him from breaking down from all the emotions he was just recovering from in this current moment.

“We’ve better get back,” Moody’s voice rang, even though he was well behind them, standing next to Kingsley.

Kingsley nodded at him, and gestured for Ron and Ginny to take his hands, apparting them back to the Weasley’s, where Molly was currently pacing the floor. 

Moody took Luna and Hermione, bringing them back to Order headquarters. 

“Cmon, kid,” Tonks said, grabbing Harry’s wrist and taking them back to the house in East Sussex.

And once again, there were two.

“Sirius?” Remus whispered, his voice small.

“Mm?” 

_“Oh,”_ Remus whispered, unable to hold back the tears, and he slowly grabbed Sirius’ hand, circling his palm with his thumb. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he apparated them to the house, landing them on their bed. 

Sirius grunted as he landed, rolling onto his side and creakily outstretching his arm, grabbing Remus’ hand.

“Hi,” he whispered, his eyes closed, his face pale, his voice weak.

“Hi,” Remus whispered back, moving his body so he was spooning Sirius, curling his chest into his.

He rested his hand on Sirius’ waist, just holding him.

Sirius fell asleep fast, and he slept for 10 hours straight.

Remus didn’t sleep the entire time, afraid that if he woke up, he wouldn’t be there anymore. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_June 21st, 11:23p.m._

Remus’ mind had gone elsewhere, just a mindless void of sleeplessness and memories as he stared at the darkened wall.

Sirius made a grunt and shifted his body, waking up. 

Remus jerked his arm against Sirius’ waist, the sudden movement startling him. His arm was sore, and he realized he hadn’t moved it the entire time Sirius was asleep.

“Hi, love,” Remus whispered into Sirius’ hair, his hand now moving to caress his jaw.

Sirius leaned into his palm, opening his eyes right into Remus’.

Grunting, he lifted his head to put his lips to Remus’, and Remus’ hand moved to the back of his head, holding it up for him. 

They stayed like that for a while, even after the kiss was over. Remus held Sirius’ head, their foreheads touching, their raspy breaths echoing into each other’s mouths.

“This,” Remus whispered after a while.

“This what?” Sirius said, laying his head back down and tracing Remus’ scars with his pinky finger. 

“This. This is everything I’ve ever been searching for. You. Just… this,” a smile was playing on his lips, his eyes watering as he stared his lover in the eyes.  
Staring Sirius in the eyes, he was overwhelmed with more emotions than he’d ever handled in his life.

He was dealing with the after effects of him almost dying in front of his just hours earlier, the feeling of relief that came with that, as well as the feeling of “what if,” that was cowering over his brain.

But more than that, what trumped that all, was love.

Remus Lupin thought that he did know love. He was convinced he did. Every time he said “I love you,” he meant it, he loved Sirius, he had since he was a child.

But there was always something holding him back, something that told him he didn’t deserve it, something that ruined every good moment he had ever had. 

He had no idea what that was, an alternate voice, himself, his bloody life, but it was gone.

Holding Sirius in his arms in this current moment was clearer than crystals, there were no thoughts infiltrating his mind, nothing causing him angst, nothing was there except for pure love. 

Sirius Black had touched Remus in so many ways, and almost all of them he did without using his hands. 

Remus Lupin had a lot of scars, physical and mental. 

Sirius Black had become one of those scars, something he’d never be able to get rid of, something that would always stay with him, no matter how hard he sometimes wanted them not to.

And for the first time in his life, Remus Lupin loved one of his scars.

As dark as he could ever get, as taciturn and empty and void, there was always that one pesky thing that stood with him, forcing him into the light.

He was the moon, and Sirius was his star.

He was broken, and he had found someone just as. 

Together, they created something indestructible. 

_“Jesus Christ I fucking love you,”_ Sirius muttered, connecting their lips once again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
_July 9th, 1996. 1:45p.m._

“Jesus Christ, Hermione. I’m getting married, not wearing drag,” Sirius complained, waving her hand away as she tried to put blue eyeshadow on his eyes.

He looked at himself, his hair unruly but set, his navy suit, his little moon earrings, his nails painted a matching navy, his eyes highlighted by eyeliner and his eyelashes pronounced by clear mascara. 

“Actually,” he muttered, adjusting his tie. “Bring me a silvery eyeshadow.”

Grinning, Hermione handed him a palette, and he dipped his finger in, applying a small layer of a glittery silver onto his eyelids. 

It went perfectly.

“Ugh, sexy!” Ginny exclaimed, coming up behind him and squeezing his shoulders.

He turned towards the two girls, beaming behind them. They both looked beautiful, in their matching maroon dresses, their hair all done up, golden glitter framing their faces.

“My lovely ladies,” Sirius smiled, kissing them each on the cheek. “Where would I be without you?”

“Probably still in bed,” a familiar voice rang behind the girls. 

_“MARY!”_ Sirius scampered, running towards her and practically jumping into her arms. “Hi hi hi hi hi!”

“Jesus, you little rascal! You aren’t marrying _me,_ ” she laughed as he squeezed her. 

“Ah, if only I could have the great honor,” he said dramatically, looking her up and down, smiling.

“Oh, yeah. That’s funny. Your little gay ass,” she spanked him, causing him to audibly gasp, and for Hermione and Ginny to fall into fits and giggles.

“Anyway, I wanted to come say hi before the ceremony. I just saw Remus and-”

“Let me guess,” Sirius asked. “He looks horrible.”

“Oh, absolutely _horrendous,”_ she sarcastically explained, winking at the girls.

“Okay, Mary dear, I love you,” Ginny said, grabbing her shoulders. “But we must finish the man up.”

Mary smiled at her, and then at Sirius. “Good luck, handsome.”

“Love you always,” Sirius smiled, blowing her a kiss. He turned back towards Ginny and Hermione, grinning.

“You ready?” Hermione asked, messing with his tie again. 

Sirius sighed, falling dramatically onto one of the beds in the Gryffindor girls’ dormitory. 

Funny, the bed was actually Lily’s, he just didn’t know it.

He looked up, meeting the girls eyes. “I think so, yeah.”

And he was ready. He was more ready for this than anything in his entire life.

~~~~~~~~  
_1:53p.m._

Remus was dressed in a dark grey suit, his hair ruffled to perfection, his corner eyes highlighted with eyeliner, his own nails painted the same grey as his suit as well.

He was sitting on his old bed, reading over his vows, convincing himself they weren’t good enough.

“Remus,” Harry whispered, sitting next to him. “They’re good enough.”

Fred walked over and snatched it from his grasp.

Remus reached for it, annoyance in his face. 

“Ah! Nope. If I have it, you can’t fester, and don’t look like that, you’ll get wrinkles.”

George laughed from the corner, a biscuit in his mouth. 

The men were dressed in the same Gryffindor maroon as the girls, but with suits. Well, Luna was wearing a suit too, but she was with… actually, he didn’t know. She was here somewhere. 

“So,” Ron asked, leaning against one of the posts on the bed. “Are you nervous?”

Remus sighed, looking around him, his old bed, his old dorm, his new family. He nodded.

“A good nervous, though. More excitement than anything, really.” 

“Well, I’d bloody well hope so,” a voice rang as the door opened, revealing a 6’5 skinny white man with blonde curls and a sloppy grin.

Remus sat up instantly. _“Grant.”_

“Hiya, sweetheart.”

Remus had to push and push and push some more for there to be permission for Grant to come to the wedding, and he was only granted permission because Grant had already learned about it all.

Adam wasn’t so lucky.

“Oh my god, Grant,” Remus muttered, getting up to hug him. His body went warm as he did. Not from anything romantic, just safety.

“You look _dapper,”_ Grant smiled, pulling back and holding him by the shoulders, taking him in. “Love the nails.”

Remus blushed, and then realized his manners. 

“Everyone, this is Grant Chapman, er- he’s-”

“I’m the bloke who took care of him for 12 years,” Grant smiled, extending his hand to each of the boys. 

“Wow, creds to you, he’s a pain in the arse,” George joked, winking at Remus, who tried to swat him with his hand afterwards. 

Grant turned back to Remus after exchanging greetings with everyone.

“Anyway, love. Wanted my own personal hello, y’know. I’m so bloody proud of ya, you did it,” 

“Did what?” Remus asked, staring into his familiar hazel eyes. 

“You found what you’d been lookin fur, sweetheart!” He raised his hands in glee. “Happiness!” 

Remus laughed, his eyes shimmering. “Yeah, yeah I did.”

Grant gave him one last hug, kissing his cheek, some of his bright pink eyeshadow getting on Remus’ face. 

“Love you,” he muttered as he walked out the door, not giving time for Remus to respond.

“Here, let me-” Harry started, grabbing a towel to get the pink eyeshadow.

“No,” Remus said, holding up a hand. “Leave it.” 

He sighed, clenching and unclenching his fists, and he looked right up at Harry. 

“Let’s do this thing,” he smiled.

The room erupted into cheers. 

~~~~~~~~~~

_1:58p.m._

“I’ll see you in a few,” Harry smiled, fixing Remus’ tie one more time. 

“Okay,” Remus nodded, grabbing his head and kissing it. “Hey, Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.” 

Harry smiled, his shoulders sagging. “I love you too, Remus.”

He walked down the stairs, giving him one last smile. 

Remus was standing with his back to the bottom of the stairwell, standing on the same step he was when he kissed Sirius for the first time, where everything had started. His hands were outstretched and open, waiting for Sirius to come.

He heard Hermione’s laugh, then Ginny’s, then Sirius’. 

“Alright, lovies. See you in a few,” he said, his voice cheerful.

Remus heard their heels click across the main stairs, and he heard steps behind him. 

“You’re backwards, right?” Remus asked, a smile playing on his lips. 

“Yes, sir,” Sirius grinned, walking up the stairs slowly backwards, his own hands outstretched, reaching for Remus’.

Their hands met and intertwined, their backs touching now.

Remus squeezed their hands together, and he smiled. “Hi, love.”

“Hi.”

“Are you ready for this?”

He heard Sirius laugh. “I bloody well hope so. You?

“I’ve been ready for this my entire life.”

Sirius leaned his head against Remus’ back, his eyes tearing up.

Squeezing his hand, Remus asked the final question. “Anything you need to say to me beforehand?” 

Sirius stopped to think. “I’m mental about you,” he said, and Remus could hear the smile in his voice. 

“Oh, that’s it. That’s the banger,” he said, twisting his body around, Sirius following suit.

He took Sirius in, his lovely face, his beautiful suit, his messy hair, _him._

Sirius did the same, his eyes welling as he looked at Remus, smiling. 

“To the stars?” Sirius asked, reaching out his hand again.

Remus took it, his vision blurring. “And to the moon.” 

And hand in hand, they walked out of the stairwell, giving each other a quick kiss before turning the corner, causing the entire crowd to stop their chatter and turn back, each one beaming as they did.

“Ready?” Arthur asked, smirking.

“Ready,” the couple said in sync, and started walking down the aisle, causing laughs from the entire crowd.

Oh, no. They weren’t walking funny, no one tripped, no one had toilet paper hanging from their suit. 

It’s just that as they started walking down the aisle, David Bowie’s _Changes_ started playing. 

And down they walked, well, more like strutted, down the aisle, hand in hand, smiling at the crowd.

Remus caught Grant’s eye, and he winked at him. Harry was standing up, cheering so loud his voice would hurt the next day. 

Fred and George were whooping in the corner, Ginny was crying, Hermione was laughing at their attempt at dance moves. 

Tonks was smiling, her hair changing to a rainbow palette. 

And above them, Lily, James, Regulus, Marlene, Eupehemia, Fleamont, and Andromeda were there, smiling.

No one could see them of course, or were even aware of their presence. But they were there, all right. 

Still hand in hand, the pair strutted up to the front, bowing as they did, causing more cheers from the crowd.

“Alright,” Arthur started, directing the couple’s attention towards him. The music dimmed itself, and Remus and Sirius turned towards each other, still holding hands, still beaming.

Here they were, in the Gryffindor common room, doing the one thing they thought they’d never be able to do. 

And they were _together._

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of two of our dearest friends as one,” Arthur started sounding all professional. “And to celebrate the beginning of what is hopefully more inclusive years in the Wizarding Community.”

The small crowd cheered, Grant could be heard above it all.

“And most of all, we are here to celebrate true love. These two have been through thick and thin, they have. But they’re standing here today, beaming like children, and I don’t know,” he shrugged, losing his professionalism. “That’s pretty bloody awesome, if you ask me.”

The crowd cheered again, causing both men to blush.

“Now, if anyone has any objections, please speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Silence, of course, everyone in the crowd giddy with anticipation.

“Right on. Er, men- vows?” 

Arthur stepped back, and Remus dug in his pocket, stopping his hand on the way there. He didn’t need some piece of parchment to tell Sirius how he felt. He needed just a few sentences, a few words.

He took a deep breath, squeezing their hands together. He looked up into Sirius’ bright blue eyes, the smile on his lips, the _little moon earrings he just noticed._

“Sirius,” he started, unlocking his right hand from Sirius’ left and putting it on Sirius’ jawline, tracing the line where his jaw met his neck.

“When I first met you all those years ago on the platform, I think I subconsciously knew you were going to be important to my life story. My entire life I spent chasing you, even when I didn’t know it. When I looked for your affirmation first when sharing a prank idea, when I knew exactly how to push all your little buttons just to _piss you off,_ and most of all, when I started loving you. I was chasing this light, this ideal of love I had never experienced in my life, and I was searching for it in someone who didn’t know love either. I was in the dark, I was always, always sad, always mopey, always hidden under this shield of night and the moon and the stars and I never let myself see the sun because I thought I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t even know what the sun was, I had no idea of what true happiness was, I only knew I thought I felt it with you.”

He sighed, looking down at their hands, his vision blurring. 

Taking a long breath, he looked back up, into Sirius’ own tearful eyes. “I was in the dark, afraid of the sun. And then the sun came up and I was looking at you.” 

Sirius let out a kind of muffled cry, and just smiled, leaning into Remus’ palm on his neck. He picked Remus’ hand up and kissed it, bringing his own hand to Remus’ face, tracing the scars there, smiling.

“I didn’t know what home was,” he started, his voice strong, but his eyes dropping tears. “I had no fucking idea what it was. I didn’t know what a family was supposed to look like, I didn’t know anything. You didn’t either, which is what I think drew me to you in the first place. You didn’t have a home or a family. I had both but didn’t want either because they didn’t want me back. I watched the way you tensed up at the mention of a father or mother when we were 10, 11, even now. I noticed it when no one else didn’t, because I did the same thing. And then I _really_ learned that I had _no_ idea what family or a love like family was. I didn’t understand what I read in the books, that people would actually put themselves over someone else for anything? It didn’t make sense, I didn’t understand it, I didn’t want to understand it. And then, Mr. Remus John Lupin walked into my life like he hadn’t before, someone who I could talk to, someone who would get it. When we were younger, we couldn’t handle our emotions, we couldn’t understand them fully. At 15, 16, 17, we could, and we did. _Together.”_

Sirius sighed, wiping the tears falling from Remus’ eye with his thumb. “You were the only other person in this world who understood the pain I went through on a daily basis, the only one who was willing to sit there and listen to me cry for hours on end. And then I started loving you. I started loving you without knowing that I was, because I didn’t know what love was supposed to feel like. I-” his voice was shaky now. “You held me in your arms one night as I cried about my fucked-up family, just held me as I wept. And I remember thinking, _is this what love feels like?_ And I was right of course, it was love, but it was more than that. Remus Lupin, _Moony,_ you felt like home.”

Remus let out a whimper, grabbing Sirius’ hand against his face. 

The two stood, smiling and crying, hands against each others, as much of the crowd stood in awe of the complete love in front of them. 

“Holy shit,” Grant muttered from the crowd, laughter in his voice.

“MY GODPARENTS!!” Harry screamed from behind Remus, his voice shaking.

Sirius winked at him.

“Alright, well-” Arthur said, walking back forward, wiping his own eyes. “Er- rings?” 

Hermione came up behind Sirius, Harry behind Remus. 

Harry locked eyes with her, smiling a “Is this Real?” smile before handing Remus the ring.

They were simple golden rings, but on the middle were etched little rainbows, a reminder of the love for who they are, and the love they will always share. 

Remus grabbed the ring, turning toward Sirius and grabbing his hand, slowly guiding the ring onto his ringfinger, smiling. 

He noticed something as he was doing it. His hands weren’t shaking.

Sirius grabbed his left hand and slowly put the ring on his ring finger, tears still flowing down his face, yet he still looked beautiful. 

“I now, with all my heart, gladly pronounce you husband,” Arthur paused, turning his head towards Remus. “, and husband. Just fucking kiss already,” 

“Did Dad just say fuc-” Ron started, only to be cut off by the eruption of cheering as Remus grabbed Sirius’ face with his hands and kissed him with all the force in the world, barely unable to hold the kiss as a smile gripped his face. 

Sirius pulled away, smiling at Remus. He put his forehead to his, smiling like a little kid as he bounced on his heels. “We did it,” he laughed.

“I can’t believe we did it,” Remus grinned, kissing him again.

“Alright, alright!” Lee screamed, standing up on a chair, a bottle of firewhiskey in his hand. _“LET’S PARTY!!!”_

~~~~~~~~  
_3:49p.m._

“You okay?” Remus asked as he was spun past Sirius.

Sirius, holding hands with Tonks as he danced, shot him a smile. “Never better, babe.”

Molly spun Remus back, Remus laughing as he tripped over her shoe for the third time. 

Everybody was laughing, everybody was _happy._

Harry was dancing, likely drunk, with Hermione on a table, laughing.

George and Lee were leading a large train of dancing, Ron was in the corner eating more cake, Mary was in the corner talking to Grant, which made Remus’ heart dance, even _Kingsley_ looked to be having a good time, deep into conversation with Luna about some magical creature. 

Sirius grabbed Tonks’ waist, laughing about nothing, just everything, and she flinched at his touch.

“Hey,” he asked, his words a bit slurred, but focused. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” she muttered, her hair changing to a light pink, which it always did when she lied. 

“Come here,” Sirius said, dragging her across the common room and sitting down on the steps. 

“What’s up, Tonko?” He had taken to calling her that lately. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Remus had noticed the two and after apologizing to Molly multiple times, was able to make his way over.

“Hey, okay if I-” he asked, gesturing to the steps next to Sirius. Tonks eagerly nodded, smiling at him.

He sat himself on the step higher than Sirius, curling his knees up to his chest, and his hand found it’s way to the nape of Sirius’ neck.

“What’s up?” He asked, genuine concern in his voice.

Over the last few weeks, Nymphadora had been spending a lot of time at their house, both her and Sirius beyond ecstatic to have someone blood related to them who wasn’t either dead or evil. Both Remus and Sirius had taken to her very quickly, loving her spunky attitude and quick wit. 

“I messed up,” she muttered, her eyes looking longingly at Sirius. “I was at a bar in Muggle London the other weekend, when you all had Adam over and I thought I’d slip something out about Wizard shit, so I went to London for a few days, right? Well, I hooked up with this guy. I know, I’m a fucking lesbian, tell me about it, I was drunk. But I- I was drunk. _Really_ drunk, and I-”

Both Remus and Sirius knew where this was going and exchanged looks, worry creeping over their faces. She was so young!

“I’m pregnant. And I just, I wanted to ask you, I know now is _not_ the fucking time, but-” she was struggling to find the words, and Sirius grabbed her hand, squeezing it.

“You’re okay,” he smiled at her.

She smiled back and looked at Remus, then back to Sirius. 

“The thing is, I don’t want kids. I want a career, I want a life. I want a _wife,_ for Godric’s sake! And I have no allegations to getting an abortion, but it’s not safe really anywhere in the UK and I don’t even know where the _fuck_ to go for that here, so..” 

She looked anxiously at the pair, receiving equally confused looks from them. 

She couldn’t say it, couldn’t ask it.

Sirius looked at Remus, asking the question with his eyes, expecting the same response he had been getting for years.

But apparently, marriage made Remus Lupin a changed man. 

Smiling, he turned toward Tonks, whose eyes had turned puppy-like. 

“Tonks, if you’re asking if we’d adopt the child, the answer is yes.”

“REALLY?!” Her voice was loud, but not loud enough to disturb anyone, as Bowie had been playing on max volume for the last hour, anyway. 

Remus grabbed her hand now, looking into her eyes. “If that’s what you want, you’ve got it.”

Tonks cried into Sirius' shoulder as she hunched over with relief.

“And I promise I won’t like…. Get attached to it. I don’t want it, it’s harsh, but I don’t, but I want it to have a good life, a good home. I mean, I’d want that for any kid! I can be it’s… Auntie Tonks. I want kids of my own, I do, but I just- not now. I swear I won’t back out or-”

“Tonks,” Remus said, stopping her speech. “It’s okay.” 

And that was that, they made their decision, and that was that. 

Tonks had recovered quickly, hurrying back onto the dance floor, her hair changing vividly as she spun.

Sirius and Remus still hadn’t left the staircase, and Remus had moved down so he was now where Tonks was, and he grabbed Sirius’ hand, rubbing his thumb.

Sirius rested his head against Remus’ as the opening bars of _Lady Stardust_ rang in the room.

“Are we really doing this?” Sirius whispered, contentedness in his voice.

Remus sighed. “I want a family with you,” he squeezed Sirius’ hand. “I want to build the home we never had.”

Sirius whimpered, burying his head into his husband’s chest, smiling. 

Remus kissed his forehead, looking out at the crowd, his friends, his family, feeling overwhelmed and grateful and loved and wonderful.  
In fact, _Lady Stardust_ described his emotions perfectly in that exact moment. 

_David Fucking Bowie,_ he thought, smiling to himself as he hummed the lines that could no better describe the warmth filling him that he prayed would never leave. 

So, in the words of David Bowie,

_And he was alright, the band was altogether._  
_Yes, he was alright, his song went on forever._  
_Yes, he was awful nice._  
_Really quite paradise._  
_And he sang all night long,_  
_all night long._


	19. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> very short, very sweet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, thank you. 
> 
> only one song can ever fit this, the inspiration for this whole bloody thing.  
> \- The Prettiest Star: David Bowie

Epilogue: 

_March 2013_

“Holy _shit,_ ” Sirius whispered, staring into his phone. “REMUS!” He screamed, his voice giddy. 

Remus came bounding the stairs, a little slower than he used to, but nonetheless, he bounded.

Aside from a few wrinkles and graying hair, the pair hadn’t changed much at 53. Same house, same style, same music. 

Although, Remus was really getting into this new band, the 1975. They were local, and he had seen them before they were “The 1975,” but just a small band called Drive Like I Do. 

Anyway, he was really into them.

“What?!” He asked, exasperated.

“Just-” Sirius gestured, unable to look up from his phone. “Come here.”

Remus came trudging over. He hated those phones, hated what they were doing to him, hated that he was beginning to develop an addiction to the game Candy Crush.

Sirius shoved the phone into his hand, and Sirius stepped back, taking off his glasses and smiling as Remus’ eyes widened as he read the headline. 

_“Gay Marriage now legal in the UK,”_

He didn’t even need to read the rest of the article before he threw his arms around Sirius, hugging his fraill, but now more defined body.

“Holy shit,” he whispered into his shoulder.

“Holy shit is right,” Sirius whispered back. 

It wasn’t long before they were getting a call from Harry.

“Did you guys?” His deep voice asked. 

_“Yes!”_ They said in sync, smiling into the mic. 

“Have you told Ad-” Remus started, only to be cut off by Adam’s even deeper voice ringing into the mic.

 _“WHAT A FUCKING DAY TO BE GAY!!!”_ He screamed into the mic, Harry’s laugh echoing with it.

Yeah, 20 years had nothing on their relationship, and they shared a flat in Edinburgh, Harry working for the Ministry in hopes to deconstruct the entire thing and Adam teaching as a Professor in Black History at Oxford University.

It was suffice to say they were doing fine. 

“Oh- Harry, can we call you back?” Remus asked, squinting to see the name on the screen that popped up.

“Yeah, of course! See ya!” 

Harry hung up, and now the name Teddy Lupin was flashing on their screen.

“This button, right?” Remus asked, confused.

Sirius shrugged and hit it. 

“HI!” Teddy’s smile ran through the screen. He had facetimed them, causing grins to erupt on Remus and Sirius’ faces.

“DID YOU HEAAAAR?” Sirius asked, waving his head back and forth.

“YES I DIIIID,” Teddy laughed, mimicking his dad’s movements. 

His hair was a bright blue, and he was wearing a leather jacket with pins on the collars, his nose was pierced and his eyes were shining with glitter.

He was beautiful.

“Oh, Kara says hi!” He turned the phone towards his current girlfriend, Kara. 

Teddy had came out to them as Pansexual by the time he was 7 years old. 

“Hi, Kara!” The pair said in sync, waving at the screen.

They both liked Kara enough. He wouldn’t be the one for her, but she was nice for the time being.

“Anyway, I’ve got class in like ten. I think I can come home this weekend, depending on homework.”

Teddy had attended Hogwarts, liked it enough, but wanted more. He was currently in the states studying at NYU, living out his little liberal arts dreams. He was a major in creative design and a minor in English.

So, basically, Remus and Sirius couldn’t have been prouder of him. 

“Yay!” Remus squealed, smiling.

“Alright, love you Dads!”

“We love you too!” 

And the call was over, the screen went back to Sirius’ homescreen, the background a selfie he, Remus and Teddy had taken at a Bowie concert in 2008, Bowie in the background, smiling with them.

“The world is changing,” Sirius sighed, leaning into Remus’ chest and letting his arms guide around his shoulders, Remus’ hands resting on Sirius’ chest. 

“Yes, it is. And I’m so happy we’re here to see it.”

“Ooh!” Sirius sprung off him, ruining their little moment. “You know what this calls for?” His voice was giddy, and he was shifting his weight back and forth.

“Oh, go put on Changes,” Remus laughed at him, watching him spring to the same old record player and pull out Hunky Dory, adjusting the needle so it landed on the song he wanted. 

“Dance with me,” he said, reaching his arms out. 

Remus rolled his eyes dramatically and walked over, spinning Sirius out and back into his chest, hugging his shoulders.

“Still don’t know what I was waiting for,” the couple sang, quite off-tune, as they swayed in their living room, holding each other.

They were holding each other softly, not clinging, just resting.

They had finally stopped worrying, finally stopped being scared of the fear that nothing good lasted forever, because they were good, and they were forever.

They were the moon and the stars, not complete without the other, unable to imagine a time where they wouldn’t be.

And as long as the moon had his stars, he would be just fine.


End file.
